should I sue if separated ex is screwing around?

[wysiwyg]

I have not read thru all the replies but here is my 2 cents:  My parents went thru a nasty divorce in 1965 when I was 4, in that day, it was unheard of for a dad to get custody, yet, dad hired a PI who followed me and mom around and got pictures, documentation etc.  Presenting them in court, got my father custody.  I am not saying this is a bad thing, what my point here is, court records can be made public, even if records get sealed as in my case they are, I have checked the local court and asked how to unseal them.  All it takes is a letter and a petition - the court said that after 41 years have gone by it is certain that unsealing is not a problem.  So think of this, if you go to this extreme, what do you risk?  The cost of your kids seeing these pictures and documentation sometime in their life?  Remember you may not love their mom anymore but they do and realize that whatever you do now can come back to haunt you later.  

I did not get the records unsealed, I wanted to remember my mother for what she was to me, a loving mother, she died 12 years ago, and knowing that there are pictures of her out there, hurts me tremendously, it plays wiht my mind if I want to see them or not.


Someday your kids will know that there is smoething in the records, whether to see or have unsealed and then see them.  Do you want them to hurt for life?  The other question I have for you is - if you go to this extreme, will you be able to sleep at night?

Anything you alledge in court will have to be proven, and the only way to prove infidelity is a PI, and please consider ALL the risks and take the high road.

[olanna]

when I was divorcing my first husband.  I was angry and she was the HR girl where he worked..she knew I was pregnant but decided to mess around with him anyway.

The threat set her up to be angry for many years to come and it backfired on me.  When she got her inherited money from family, they began a war of custody with the same child...and I lost...rather ran out of money.

Be very careful..the suit itself might not amount to much but the anger and bitterness can fester forever.

[MixedBag]

but fortunately, WE don't have children together.  WE have dogs and I have all 3 of them, and STBX#3 has the newest puppy we adopted for his son.

I found out that the real reason for his behavior towards me was that he had someone waiting in the wings.

She moved in with him when he was allowed to move into our home which has been under construction for the last 18 months.

I decided not to rock the boat even though AL is a "fault" state.  Neither one of us has filed for the divorce.

From boards like this I have learned to pick and choose my battles and being spiteful over his infidelity is just not worth my time.

HOWEVER, his EX has called me on several occasions.  SHE has decided to rock the boat and call Internal Affairs at his work because there is a "morals" clause in his contract.  WHAT she thinks she will gain by this particularly if dad gets fired, I have no clue.

His EX just lost primary residential custody after a 10-year battle.  Even if Dad looses his job, she's not gonna be able to get custody back of her son based on this.  

If you're truly concerned about how your child sees a parent "sleeping around" then do what you can by teaching your child right from wrong on your time.

Otherwise learn to let it go because you'll be more at peace about the whole thing.

[Jade]

>>Before doing anything, what are you trying to do?
>>
>>I don't think it's terribly harmful for your son to see her
>>making new acquaintences. As long as that's all he sees, why
>>do you think it's hurting him?
>>
>>Your state will vary, but in OK, the judge would laugh at
>you.
>>Screwing around -even if no divorce has been filed- is not a
>>criminal activity, nor can it have any bearing on whether a
>>divorce is granted. It can't even have any bearing on
>custody
>>decisions unless one parent can show that it's harming the
>>children.
>>
>>If she'd doing it in front of the kids, I'd take action -
>but
>>via Child Welfare Services (or whatever it's called in your
>>state). If she's discreet, drop it. It's just not worth the
>>pain and expense it will cause.
>>
>>Things to consider:
>>1. You're going to be dealing with her for many years (at
>>least until your son is 18 and probably much longer). Do you
>>want to do that with a decent relationship or do you want to
>>hate each other?
>>2. You've got the important stuff settled. Why mess it up?
>If
>>you do this, all your agreements go out the window and
>you're
>>going to have an expensive, adversarial battle. To top it
>off,
>>in today's world, even if you convinced the judge that she
>was
>>an evil adulterer, it's not going to change things much.
>>3. Why does it concern you? Your old life is over. Face it.
>>You're either looking for revenge or you're still so hurt
>you
>>can't think straight. Neither excuse is much of a reason for
>>ruining the rest of your life.
>>4. What do you hope to accomplish? If you've already
>settlled
>>custody and financial stuff, what do you expect to get out
>of
>>it. In other words, in what way would your world be better
>if
>>you did it? I can't think of a single thing.
>>5. You didn't mention how old your son is. If he's over
>about
>>4, it will become clear to him that YOU are the aggressor
>>here. Things seem pretty stable here, but you'll be the one
>>shaking them up. Is that the way you want your son to see
>>you?
>>
>>Document everything you wish. If she tries to pull something
>>on you, you can use it. But don't do anything with it except
>>in self-defense.
>
>I guess everything can have a positive spin if worded the
>correct way.
>
>I guess one person's "making new acquaintances" is another
>person's "sleeping around."
>
>And no, I'm not making any assumptions about you personally..I
>just think  that the "spin" you put on this is very important.
>I never said anything about "making new acquaintances." If you
>word it like that, it makes it look a lot less serious than I
>think it is...and makes me look like I' m trying to be super
>controlling or something.
>
>By all means, please have fun, make friends and
>acquaintences...but I just dont think it's appropriate in some
>circumstances to "sleep around"...
>
>Point number 1:
>Thats the trick, jeopardize the current "harmony" over this
>issue or not? Is it a big enough deal? I'm not sure yet.
>
>POint number 2:
>See above...
>
>Point number 3:
>Well, on point number 3, I am going to have to disagree with
>you. I am over her. I could care less if she does the whole
>Chicago Bears Football team on national TV...LOL... What I am
>concerned with, is how it affects my son. Do you really think
>that seeing those kinds of things is healthy for a young
>child?
>That's just not my idea of being a role model. It's also
>against the law. My "world" would be better if I know my son
>is not exposed to behavior like that. I happen to think it's
>the parents responsibility to be a good role model.
>I'm not sure I understand how it would "ruin my world."
>
>Point number 4:
>I can think of a pretty good reason:
>Make sure my son does not see that kind of behavior. (At least
>make her think twice before doing it.)
>
>Point number 5:
>Well, I'm not so sure that he would view me as the "bad guy."
>That sounds rather presumptive to me. I think if you assume
>that mommy is going to try to alienate him from me as a result
>of this, then it's a possibility, but, to be honest, any time
>I do something "she doesn't like," it's a possibility. We have
>equal time with him, so it's not as likely that she could
>alienate him compared to if she had sole custody.
>
>To sum up, I cant help that judges and society don't really
>care about this issue. All I know is I dont really like my son
>getting the idea that sleeping around in this manner is ok.
>
>Sorry, but that's just my opinion.
>
>And yes, I'm sure some judges in some circumstances might
>laugh at that by itself.
>(That doesn't make it right.)
>But, as part of a larger picture, it simply tells a piece of
>the story.
>
>


Dating doesn't mean that she is sleeping around.  I know when I start dating, I have no intention of sleeping with anyone until I know the relationship is a steady one.  

[mistoffolees]

Exactly. This guy keeps talking about all the things that his kids shouldn't see, but no evidence that she's really sleeping around - and even more importantly, no evidence that the kids have seen anything they shouldn't.

I stand by my original post.