Single Colorado Dad Questions.

[carlow81]

Hi All,

Noobie here. Got some questions on how to approach a possible upcoming custody battle. The mother and I were never married but lived together off and on for about 3 years. She ends up pregnant and we end up not working out. For about the first 2 to 2.5 years of his life, she is barely around. A "call here"..."a promise to show up" there but all in all there were times I would go 3-4 weeks w/o so much as a call. A lot of the time when I heard from her again, she would be at some new apartment, moving from place to place. I figure she will never learn (dumb on my part) and take very little action legally.

What I did do was get a parenting plan and child support agreement signed by her, I, and the Notary Public. At the time she was in-between places, didn't have a phone, between jobs, etc. It was a different excuse all the time. I needed to get pay-stubs from her in order to get this paper filed with the court. After being ran around so much I said forget it (like an idiot), and packed the papers away. I still have them. Signed and sealed by all parties, but never delivered and filed with the court. Is this form in anyway still valid or is it useless now?

We had a agreement that I would be the primary parent and that wherever I lived would be his legal residence. We worked out days and such that we would each have him. Now he is going to be starting school soon and it's a big issue for me because I feel like he will get better care with me during the school year. His mom has since been married and had another kid by this man. She also abandoned her oldest child who was 4 at the time to move out to Colorado (from Washington). She has lived in more places over the course of the 5 years she has been out here than I have my whole life. That has to be a good point to make in court right?

She seems to have straightened up a bit but I still question her decision making and punctuality as she sometimes forgets what days she needs to come get him. And she really only started coming around when she found out she was pregnant again by this other guy and couldn't go out "binge-drinking" anymore.

She and her hubby are moving to Greeley in January which is quite a ways from Denver (where I live), and want to enroll him in school up there.

Tonight was the 1st night that we really discussed this and when we don't see eye to eye on things, it gets pretty loud. I recorder the convo we had tonight and I got her on tape admitting to not being a good mother in the past and stating that I am a great father. Can that be used in court? My main goal is not to take my son from his mom but to remain the primary guardian and have him for the school year (giving him to her on weekends, and sharing vacation/holidays). She says the same but wants to have him for school. Also, about 9 months after Isaac was born I moved back to my parents house and have been there since about April '04. We have a great family life here but she keeps bringing that up as if it were a crutch for me. Do courts frown upon people who are at home still (and note: it's not that I can't afford to move out, it's that I want to finish paying off my car so thatI have one less bill to worry about)? Any legal advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Jade]

I don't know if the recording is legal.  Some states require that both parties be aware of the convo being taped.

Second, get parternity established.  NOW.  Since it wasn't done in court, she can legally take your child.  She has proof that she is the mother.  You have no proof that you are the father.  And get a good lawyer.  Clearly, you are the primary caretaker and should be the custodial parent.  Good luck.

[carlow81]

Is my name being on the Birth Certificate as the Father the same thing or does that mean nothing?

[gemini3]

She can say that she put your name on there for whatever reason she wants to, and then say you're not really the father.  Then you're on the defensive and you have to prove that you are, meaning she gains custody of the child until that time.  This will give her a HUGE advantage - don't let this happen.

Establish paternity now, and then file a petition to establish custody AND a parenting plan with the courts.  You can represent yourself, you don't need an attorney (although if you can afford it I would recommend it), but I suggest you move quickly because you may end up needing one if you don't act quickly.  This site has some very good examples of parenting plans that you can use as templates, and Socrateaser gives excellent advice.

You could still use the prior agreement, because it is a legal contract.  What you need to do, however, is establish legal custody in addition to a parenting plan.  Custody is the big issue here.

You probably can't use the recorded conversation in court because usually both parties must be aware they are being recorded.  You can sometimes use voicemail messages because people know they are being recorded when they leave them.  But, you probably won't need it.  If the boy has been living with you all this time and has a stable home with you the courts are unlikely to move him without a compelling reason.  The fact that you live at home with your parents could actually work in your favor because it provides your son with a family dynamic, and care from grandma when daddy is at work.  The courts act in the best interest of the child.  

My biggest advice to you is not to try and be the nice guy, and not to wait.  She will use that to her advantage, and ex's are notorious for filing with the courts and never telling you anything, then next thing you know you're being served with a petition.  You have to take the initiative if you want to protect your rights as his father.

Good luck!

[carlow81]

Thank you very much Gemini. I am going to be contacting a few lawyers today to see what can be done. I want an attorney to be there to hold my hand and have a game plan for me so that I don't make anymore mistakes than I already have. I can afford a decent attorney so I might as well do it right. I have tried to be the nice guy for too long and she is backing me up into a corner now. Thank you.

[carlow81]

OK good news. The BM and I did sign a Acknowledgment of Paternity document when our son was born so that should hopefully not be an issue (unless I am missing something). I have requested a official copy from Vital Records in Colorado. Now i just need to get a lawyer to help me. Would anyone recommend a good family-law attorney? I'm making some calls today to some lawyers I found listed on Colorado's Bar Association site but any suggestions are welcome. Thanks!

[carlow81]

Another question about my situation. I am living at my parents which I mentioned. Me and my son currently share one room. He is 3 1/2 yrs old now. We live in a very nice basement but it only has one room. There is an extra room upstairs but we use that as a play room. I don't see it as being a problem right now but do you think the court would see that as being bad in any way?

[gemini3]

Yes.  Most child development experts would recommend against this, and if it came up in court it definitely could hurt you.  Especially if you're sharing a bed.  I would change this as quickly as possible.  Not just because you might be going to court, but because it's the right thing to do for your son.  He needs his own bed in his own room.

[Jade]

>Yes.  Most child development experts would recommend against
>this, and if it came up in court it definitely could hurt you.
> Especially if you're sharing a bed.  I would change this as
>quickly as possible.  Not just because you might be going to
>court, but because it's the right thing to do for your son.
>He needs his own bed in his own room.

And there are child development experts that recommend a family bed.  A good place to look for these reports are to do a google on Dr. Jack Newman and Dr. William Sears.  

The right thing to do for a child is to meet their needs.  And some small children have a need to be in the same room as their parents.  

Another good place to research is to google Attachment Parenting (this is something that I practice and have found that it helped tremendously when ex and I separated).  You could also google Attachment Parenting and Divorce.  

[gemini3]

Yes, you are right, there are a few development experts who would not recommend against sharing a bed with your child.  However, they are a very small minority, and their methods are still considered controversial.  If his ex decided she wanted to create trouble she could do so very easily if they are sharing a bed or a bedroom.  Our judicial systems tend to be hyper-alert when it comes to these types of situations, and they tend to prefer erring on the side on caution, and conservative parenting.  I think he might have a hard time finding a judge who would go on record saying that he supports children sharing a bed with their parents.

I'm speaking from having to defend accusations by my fiance's ex wife stating that, among other things, we allow his daughter to sleep with us.  We've had to defend in court and to therapists.  If he wants to win custody of his son he may do well to avoid these types of accusations.  While he may believe that sleeping with his son is the ideal, it won't cause his son harm to have to sleep in his own bed in his own room.  I'm sure you would agree it's a better alternative to losing custody of his son.