New user here, tricked into fatherhood

[Tricked_by_my_ex]

Hi everyone. I am a little nervous about posting too much personal information in the event my ex girlfriend finds out I am seeking advice here. She is a very intelligent and web savvy individual who has cyber-stalked me in the past, so bear with me. She and I have known each other since high school (1992), but lost touch soon after. She looked me up on the web about 2 years ago and sent me an email. We met and soon after started dating.

The relationship lasted 1 1/2 years, ending in early November '06. I tried to end it earlier, but when I tried she threatened to commit suicide, so like a fool I stayed involved with her for a few more months till it was unbearable and finally came to my senses and finally broke up with her.

My ex-girlfriend informed me in late November '06 that she was 6 weeks pregnant. I broke up with her two weeks BEFORE she told me she was pregnant. Upon asking her how she could possibly be pregnant, she informed me that she removed her birth control device, known as "The Ring" in early October in order to allow her to menstruate at a later time of the month.

Needless to say I was upset that she did not have the decency to tell me that there was an increased chance of pregnancy and immediately suspected that she did it on purpose. Had I known there was an increased chance of conception, I would have taken the necessary precautions. I believe she knew that I wanted out of our relationship, and this was a way to keep me.

She did not have any explanation as to why she did not tell me about removing her contraception, which only increased my suspicion.

Besides hiring an attorney which I have yet to do, what do I need to do to protect myself?

I am not ready for fatherhood and my ex told me she wants to keep the child. She has already threatened to sue me for child support.

Please help.

[Jade]

>Hi everyone. I am a little nervous about posting too much
>personal information in the event my ex girlfriend finds out I
>am seeking advice here. She is a very intelligent and web
>savvy individual who has cyber-stalked me in the past, so bear
>with me. She and I have known each other since high school
>(1992), but lost touch soon after. She looked me up on the web
>about 2 years ago and sent me an email. We met and soon after
>started dating.
>
>The relationship lasted 1 1/2 years, ending in early November
>'06. I tried to end it earlier, but when I tried she
>threatened to commit suicide, so like a fool I stayed involved
>with her for a few more months till it was unbearable and
>finally came to my senses and finally broke up with her.
>
>My ex-girlfriend informed me in late November '06 that she was
>6 weeks pregnant. I broke up with her two weeks BEFORE she
>told me she was pregnant. Upon asking her how she could
>possibly be pregnant, she informed me that she removed her
>birth control device, known as "The Ring" in early October in
>order to allow her to menstruate at a later time of the
>month.
>
>Needless to say I was upset that she did not have the decency
>to tell me that there was an increased chance of pregnancy and
>immediately suspected that she did it on purpose. Had I known
>there was an increased chance of conception, I would have
>taken the necessary precautions. I believe she knew that I
>wanted out of our relationship, and this was a way to keep
>me.
>
>She did not have any explanation as to why she did not tell me
>about removing her contraception, which only increased my
>suspicion.
>
>Besides hiring an attorney which I have yet to do, what do I
>need to do to protect myself?
>
>I am not ready for fatherhood and my ex told me she wants to
>keep the child. She has already threatened to sue me for child
>support.
>
>Please help.
>
>
>


Doesn't matter if she removed her contraception or not.  You are just as responsible for birth control as she is.  You still had sex with her.  And if you are having sex, then you definitely should be aware that even with birth control, a woman can get pregnant.  

Doesn't matter if you are not ready for fatherhood.  You are about to become one.  And you have a responsibility to your child.

What is going to happen is that the courts will order paternity to be established.  Once it is, you will be given parenting time and you will be ordered to pay child support.  The child is innocent in this matter.  

[williaer]

Not that I would advocate it- but I suppose once paternity is established, you can sign over all of your parental rights and responsibilities. I don't know if that means you are financially "off the hook"or not- but I suppose it's an option.

[Jade]

>Not that I would advocate it- but I suppose once paternity is
>established, you can sign over all of your parental rights and
>responsibilities. I don't know if that means you are
>financially "off the hook"or not- but I suppose it's an
>option.

The courts tend not to accept that unless there is someone willing to step into his place and take over his responsibilities.  And even if he does sign away his rights, if she goes on welfare, they will come after him for child support.  

[Ref]

Are you sure she is pregnant? She sounds seriously unstable, so maybe she is trying to trick you back into the relationship and then maybe "lose the baby" when you come back. It has been sone before.

I completely don't advocate signing over your rights at all. Many people have kids when they aren't ready. Make yourself ready. The crap part is that you would have to coparent with this person. The good part is you can be a dad. You may be surprised to find that when the child comes you will be thrilled to be a dad.

You probably wont be able to sign over your rights and if you are allowed you will not be let off the hook with support. So basically you have all the responsiblity with no rights. That would suck.

My advice is to go for it all the way. Why limit your options? When you know she is really prego, sign up for a parenting class (usually about 4 hours). Sign up for CPR classes. Keep your nose clean and have a decent job that doesn't take you out of the house for long. Make no doubts that you would be the better parent. You might as well not eliminate all your options right now. You might change your mind and be stuck because you haven't put yourself out as the best parent.

When you know she is prego, find an attorney. You will want one with a Family Law background preferable with Father's Rights.

Best wishes
ref

[gemini3]

I agree.  Another possibility, when she realizes that you're serious about the fatherhood part and that you're willing to take that on WITHOUT being with her, she may find she's gotten herself in over her head and confess that she's not pregnant after all.

If she is pregnant, you have to take responsibility for the child.  It's the most important thing you'll ever do, and your child will need you.

Good luck!

Oh, and PS - Until you're married, if you're going to have sex, wear a condom.  You can't leave birth control up to the girl, because if someone gets pregnant you'll be just a responsible, no matter what she told you.  I tell my 17 year old nephew this all the time, and I had him read your post to drive it home.  :)

[Tricked_by_my_ex]

Thank you for all your responses. I am almost 100% positive that she really is pregnant.
I saw three positive pregnancy tests and a note from a doctor.

At this point i am waiting for my anger and confusion to subside before I make any decisions.

I need to know what options are available to someone who is in my situation. She still lives at home with her mother, and I rent an apartment. I work full time and still it barely covers rent and expenses. I have no idea how i can afford child support, because i can barely take care of myself.

Her due date is sometime in July, so what do I need to do in the meantime?





>I agree.  Another possibility, when she realizes that you're
>serious about the fatherhood part and that you're willing to
>take that on WITHOUT being with her, she may find she's gotten
>herself in over her head and confess that she's not pregnant
>after all.
>
>If she is pregnant, you have to take responsibility for the
>child.  It's the most important thing you'll ever do, and your
>child will need you.
>
>Good luck!
>
>Oh, and PS - Until you're married, if you're going to have
>sex, wear a condom.  You can't leave birth control up to the
>girl, because if someone gets pregnant you'll be just a
>responsible, no matter what she told you.  I tell my 17 year
>old nephew this all the time, and I had him read your post to
>drive it home.  :)

[Kitty C.]

I 'strongly' recommend DNA testing, either before or immediately after the borth.  If DNA testing cannot be completed before birth (thru amniocentesis), then demand that it be completed in the hospital before mother and baby are discharged.  Be ready and willing to pay the entire cost of the test as well, which can run $500 or more.  If she balks, get a court order for it.

Yes, there's a good possibility that she's trying to frame you and here in a few weeks or months she may not be pregnant.  But, some planning needs to be done regardless.  Inform her that you intend to file for paternity and will demand a DNA test to prove it.  Confer with an atty. before you ever contact her about this, tho.  Do not get caught with your shorts down with this loose cannon..........

[Ref]

I agree with Kitty.

Here are some of your options, if she is prgo with your kid,  as I see it.

1. She is the custodial parent, you pay CS and have visitation every there weekend and one night a week. She will make most of the decisions and you are relegated to having 100% financial responsibility with how ever much benefit as she feels fit, or is court ordered.

2. You have 50/50 physical custody. Little or no CS is ordered because the child will live half at your home and half at hers. You will have more control on the raising of your child.

3. You will be the custodial parent. She will pay CS and have visitation. It would be the flipside of #1.

These are pretty much your options. That is why I say to make yourself out to be the more stable person. You need to be the one that would allow more visitation with BM than BM would with you if she was custodial.

I would get an attorney, as Kitty said before you say anything to her.

Child support is basically a formula. Google your state's name and "Child support calculator" and you should get a calculator on how it is figured out. You will likely have to guess on how much she makes and maybe how often you will be with the child (depending on the state). I would go with the worst and best scenerios and you should get an idea.

Over the next few months, keep your overtime to a minimum, if you are hourly. If you work a lot of overtime, it will be considered as how much you "normally" would make and then you will have to work overtime constantly after CS is set. AND Do not get a second job.  I would keep your income fairly low and go into some debt until this is over. Don't go crazy with this because they will also need to see you are somewhat financially responsible, but if you think you think you will have to pay support, this is the best route. After this is over you can work the extra hours to pay off your debt.

Good luck
Ref

[Jade]

>I agree with Kitty.
>
>Here are some of your options, if she is prgo with your kid,
>as I see it.
>
>1. She is the custodial parent, you pay CS and have visitation
>every there weekend and one night a week. She will make most
>of the decisions and you are relegated to having 100%
>financial responsibility with how ever much benefit as she
>feels fit, or is court ordered.
>
>2. You have 50/50 physical custody. Little or no CS is ordered
>because the child will live half at your home and half at
>hers. You will have more control on the raising of your
>child.
>
>3. You will be the custodial parent. She will pay CS and have
>visitation. It would be the flipside of #1.
>
>These are pretty much your options. That is why I say to make
>yourself out to be the more stable person. You need to be the
>one that would allow more visitation with BM than BM would
>with you if she was custodial.
>
>I would get an attorney, as Kitty said before you say anything
>to her.
>
>Child support is basically a formula. Google your state's name
>and "Child support calculator" and you should get a calculator
>on how it is figured out. You will likely have to guess on how
>much she makes and maybe how often you will be with the child
>(depending on the state). I would go with the worst and best
>scenerios and you should get an idea.
>
>Over the next few months, keep your overtime to a minimum, if
>you are hourly. If you work a lot of overtime, it will be
>considered as how much you "normally" would make and then you
>will have to work overtime constantly after CS is set. AND Do
>not get a second job.  I would keep your income fairly low and
>go into some debt until this is over. Don't go crazy with this
>because they will also need to see you are somewhat
>financially responsible, but if you think you think you will
>have to pay support, this is the best route. After this is
>over you can work the extra hours to pay off your debt.
>
>Good luck
>Ref
>

That probably won't work if she knows how much he was making before and is very aware that he gets regular overtime.  Also, the courts also ask for the previous years w-2 forms to prevent this type of fraudulent misrepresentation.  And if she finds out about the increase in overtime after the child support hearing, she can file for a modification based on change of circumstances.

As for overnight visits with an infant, in my state, that isn't happening for at least the first 2 years as babies need more frequent visits than EOW and once during the week.  And 50/50 physical custody simply does not provide enough stability for a small child unless the parents live right next door to each other.  There are some judges in my state that will order overnight at 12 months, but that is rare.