Need opinions from some Dads.......

[cc]

and I'm not sure if I know anyone who could be a third party, but maybe someone will show up in my search.  I just think that once I know the true story, I'll have more information to let me know what to do.  If he truly is an abusive meth-head, well, that's a no brainer.  But I know he has another daughter out there, who would be this little boys sister.  I think they have a right to know each other (someday at least), whether it's convenient for my SD or not.  Siblings are siblings.

I'll give it plenty of time, thought, and counseling I can assure you.  I just needed to get some additional perspective.  It's really been eating at me lately and if I'm gathering information then at least I'm not just sitting around stewing about it.



Pre-paid Legal and Identity Theft Protection
//www.blessedabundantly.com

[cc]

in regards to his daughter.  I don't even know how to describe her.  She's beautiful, witty, smart, stylish, and one of the most cunning, evil hearted people I've ever met.  When people ask me why I don't like her, I just say, "She lures good people into doing bad things just to win her approval."

The only person besides me who understands how whacked she is is my SS, but the whole stepfamily thing gets in there so much that sometimes he'll defend her just because they're part of the same unit.  But he knows she's whacked.






Pre-paid Legal and Identity Theft Protection
//www.blessedabundantly.com

[BetterFuture4Kids]

my $0.02

First of all, there is no harm in gathering information about him or in getting counseling.  So, I think you absolutely should do that.

Here's a couple things I would think about, most of which have already been discussed in this thread:
-The child has a right to be supported financially and emotionally by his father, but just because you tell dad doesn't mean that he'll will actually support his son.
-If what the SD says is true, it could be worse for the father to be in the kid's life.
-Your relationship with your husband is obviously very important to you.  If you tell this guy without talking to your husband first, it will eventually get back to him, and that would be bad.
-Once you get the info you should probably have somebody who isn't involved in this to take a look at it to make sure you're looking at this "evidence" in the right light.

What I would do:
If I thought this guy would be a positive influence on the child's life for whatever reason (financially, emotionally, etc) then I would tell the father about the POSSIBILITY that he has a son.  I would choose to do it personally, but I can very much understand why you might want to do it anonymously.  Before I told him I would talk to your husband about how you feel you have a moral obligation to do this, and ask that he support you.

If I thought this guy wouldn't be a good influence on the child, I would save the information for the child for when he gets older.

Very tough decision!  Good luck!

[cc]

a long time.  :)







Pre-paid Legal and Identity Theft Protection
//www.blessedabundantly.com

[Bolivar]

How does she plain on supporting the child?

I've seen this situation many, many times before.   If she is irresponsible it is more than likely you will be raising the child.   Where is your step-daughters Mom in all this?

Should the father be involved - of course.  

If he is a nit-wit he will not be around much if at all;.  If step-daughter is a "nit-wit" she won't be around much either. (I've seen it before. Very sad for a child to have parents like this)  Hopefully this is not the case in your sisuation.

[CGS]

You say that you have zero relationship with your sd and that she's an evil, rotten person not worth your time or attention...

If I were in your shoes and felt the same way I would either 1) work to repair the relationship for the sake of my husband or 2) cut her out of my life entirely for the sake of my own sanity and emotional well being.  I really think that trying to dance down the middle of the two is causing YOU to be drawn into her negativity and is a wasted effort, pick one.

If you pick the first, you need to be open and honest with her and tell her your thoughts, the reasons behind them, and what you intend to do.  

If you pick the second, just walk away.  Getting involved with her child and a possible bio-father is a ticking time bomb.  You said yourself the ss sees through her but is very protective of her all the same, as is the rest of her family.. and by all rights they should be, that's what family is all about.  Recognizing each others faults, but lving each other and standing by one another regardless.  

If I were your husband and I had already expressed to you that I would like you to stay out of it, I would be outraged if you did the opposite. I think you're on the right track to seek counseling and to make your decision very slowly, because this is a very life altering act you are proposing.. for everyone involved.  

If this man comes back into her life, there will most likely be a legal battle.. one that you are directly responsible for and that the little boy involved will be very much impacted by at his age.  And along those same lines, your sd will likely turn to her parents, your dh included, to help her w/ attorneys, moral support, etc etc throughout the process... are you ready to welcome that mess into your home?

I think you are looking at this with blinders on.. not that I dont agree that a father has the right to know.. but that you are ignoring all the ramifications to YOU as a result of YOUR actions.. after all, as an adult you are responsible for your own conduct, and turning your dh and his childrens lives upside down may not be the best decision.

[cc]

someplace she was living in.  She's been asked to leave 5 homes in 5 states because of non-payment of bills, drug use, etc....  She lives on welfare, and God knows what else.  Her mother wants her home for the rest of her life, it's a really sick relationship.  Her mother never wants her to leave home, wants the baby to be raised there with her (at least until he's not a cute little baby anymore and she gets sick of him - she always does).  Believe me, SD will not be bringing him here anymore - she doesn't approve of us.  She'd sooner give the baby to the bio father than let us raise him, not that we're offering.

I'll tell you what's going to happen.  They're going to screw this kid up over the next 10 years, like Ex has done with all of her kids and stepkids (out of 5 kids that have left home so far, 2 are drug users, one is a severely depressed drop-out who drinks too much, 3 are welfare mothers, and the last one who's 12 just got picked up by the police for the first time recently).  Then when he's 12 or 13 and he starts getting into trouble, we'll get a phone call asking for help.  

I'm moving to Aruba and changing my name before then.

I've decided to find the father (on paper only), do a thorough background check including his family, and then sit on it for about a month or so while I get counseling on what to do.  I don't want to ask anyone what to do until I really know what this guys about first of all.  If he's a drug using loser, and his family is screwed up too, well, why bother.  But my SD lies about everything else, so why should I trust her on this?  I'm finding out for myself.




Pre-paid Legal and Identity Theft Protection
//www.blessedabundantly.com

[cc]

The legal battle would be a result of the fact that my SD got into bed with a man while deliberately staying off the pill.  These were her words.  How and when he finds out is not the issue, the issue is she decided to use him as an unwitting sperm donor, then deny him his own child.  I take zero responsibility for any court battle, in fact if he fought for his son, and I knew this little boy wouldn't have even known his dad if it weren't for me, I would wear it as a badge of honor.

If, and I mean IF this is a man of honor who really would be good to his son and really would fight for him.  That's what I don't know.

As far as my dh, well, with all the love in my heart - he can kiss my butt.  I've heard him bitch and moan for 12 years about how horribly his ex raised his kids, and how she kept his kids away from him.  He doesn't have a leg to stand on helping someone do the same thing to another guy.  If he took me to task on that, well, he can go back and live with his daughter and her mother as far as I'm concerned.  

However, I think the main reason I posted this in the first place was to get perspective, and for that I am very grateful for your post.  I wouldn't have a balanced view on this subject if it weren't for all different views being shared.  You make a very good point that this is a huge deal with alot of ramifications, and I should treat it accordingly.  I honestly don't want to be the person who does something about it.  I'm more of a research person who likes to present the facts to others and let them make a decision.  




Pre-paid Legal and Identity Theft Protection
//www.blessedabundantly.com

[mistoffolees]

>The legal battle would be a result of the fact that my SD got
>into bed with a man while deliberately staying off the pill.
>These were her words.  How and when he finds out is not the
>issue, the issue is she decided to use him as an unwitting
>sperm donor, then deny him his own child.  I take zero
>responsibility for any court battle, in fact if he fought for
>his son, and I knew this little boy wouldn't have even known
>his dad if it weren't for me, I would wear it as a badge of
>honor.
>


I think you may have misinterpreted the previous post. I don't think anyone was implying that you CAUSED the court battle - just that you could get dragged into the middle of one and needed to be prepared for that battle. It came across to me as concern for your welfare rather than blaming you for causing the problem.

IMHO.

[cc]

thank you for interjecting that perspective.  

On that note, I would have to say I definitely do not want to be dragged into anything.  If I was, I'd speak up honestly, but I'd rather not have to.  

I'm going to just find facts for now.  They'll determine much of what I do.  If I find out this guys an inmate somewhere, there's no way I'm letting him know where to find an innocent little toddler.  I just don't know what I'm going to find.