unwed dad to be

[GADAD]

I am an unwed dad to be, and a college student. The mother of my baby and former girlfriend basically wants me out of her life and the baby to be's life. (She has a new boyfriend) I have tried to be supportive, and I have told her that I intend to financially support this child and that I want to be part of this childs future,(as much as I can, or she will let me). She is already slamming me, and I know that she will fight me with any visitation issues. I am trying to keep our relationship on an even keel, she is the mother of our child and I would like to be able to maintain a working relationship with her in the best interest of our child, but she is very irrational. Can anyone point me in the right direction as to what I need to do to establish paternity, and try to obtain visitation rights, and when I need to take some kind of legal action. Unlike some other fathers in my position, I am not trying to run from my responsibilities. I fathered this child, and want him/her to be a part of my future.
Thanks for any help.

[Jade]

>I am an unwed dad to be, and a college student. The mother of
>my baby and former girlfriend basically wants me out of her
>life and the baby to be's life. (She has a new boyfriend) I
>have tried to be supportive, and I have told her that I intend
>to financially support this child and that I want to be part
>of this childs future,(as much as I can, or she will let me).
>She is already slamming me, and I know that she will fight me
>with any visitation issues. I am trying to keep our
>relationship on an even keel, she is the mother of our child
>and I would like to be able to maintain a working relationship
>with her in the best interest of our child, but she is very
>irrational. Can anyone point me in the right direction as to
>what I need to do to establish paternity, and try to obtain
>visitation rights, and when I need to take some kind of legal
>action. Unlike some other fathers in my position, I am not
>trying to run from my responsibilities. I fathered this child,
>and want him/her to be a part of my future.
>Thanks for any help.

If I were in your shoes, I would contact an attorney and see what steps you need to take.  I know that the first thing that you will have to do is establish paternity.

[mistoffolees]

>If I were in your shoes, I would contact an attorney and see
>what steps you need to take.  I know that the first thing that
>you will have to do is establish paternity.

That's certainly the place to start.

If your college has an affiliated law school, there may well be a system where students will assist with legal issues at no charge if you can't afford an attorney. Even if you don't have a law school, it's worth seeing if your school offers some type of legal assistance for students.

You definitely don't want to skimp on getting an attorney.

[wendl]

You will need to file a motion to have paternity establish, you will also want to file a parenting plan with the courts, when you do your parenting plan remember to include when the child starts school (school breaks summer breaks, holidays birthdays etc) be specific one pick up places and times. You will also needs to have a child support order.

I would suggest hiring an attorney. Many courts do have the motions online with directions of how to complete them, I would start looking at them and figuring out what you want for visitation. As for the stars and settle for what you are willing to.

Don't let her try to say that you cannot have the baby as she is breastfeeding, they have breast pumps.

Take an infant cpr and parenting class as soon as you can.  You can contact the colleges or hospitals in your area to see if they offer these classes, they usually cost but not much.

Good luck.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[Jade]

>You will need to file a motion to have paternity establish,
>you will also want to file a parenting plan with the courts,
>when you do your parenting plan remember to include when the
>child starts school (school breaks summer breaks, holidays
>birthdays etc) be specific one pick up places and times. You
>will also needs to have a child support order.
>
>I would suggest hiring an attorney. Many courts do have the
>motions online with directions of how to complete them, I
>would start looking at them and figuring out what you want for
>visitation. As for the stars and settle for what you are
>willing to.
>
>Don't let her try to say that you cannot have the baby as she
>is breastfeeding, they have breast pumps.
>
>Take an infant cpr and parenting class as soon as you can.
>You can contact the colleges or hospitals in your area to see
>if they offer these classes, they usually cost but not much.
>
>Good luck.
>
>**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

If she is breastfeeding, that is going to limit parenting time.  Being a newborn is going to limit the time.  More frequent visits are better for this age.  In my state, overnights are not even considered by most judges until 2 years of age.  Some will consider it at 12 months of age.

For one thing, as someone who has breastfed and helped mothers breastfeed, not all mothers respond well to the pump.  And the pumping shouldn't start until the supply has been established, and that takes 6-8 weeks.  Second, even if the mother responds to the pump, she still needs to nurse frequently to maintain her supply.  A baby is more effective at removing milk and maintaining a supply than a pump could ever be.  And being away from the baby at night (nighttime is when the mother produces the most milk) or for a whole week-end could negatively impact the mother's supply.  

And there isn't a major medical organization anywhere that will recommend formula over human milk when the mother has no issues, such as chemotherapy or AIDS/HIV.  

And a judge is going to go with what is best for the baby.  And that is human milk if the mother is willing to provide it.

The one thing that I can suggest is that when she does provide pumped breastmilk (should she choose to breastfeed, that is), use it.  Because she can get a court order forcing you to use it.  I used to post with a mother whose ex dumped the pumped breastmilk and fed formula.  She took it to court and won.  

And learn the proper way to thaw it.  This can be found at LaLecheLeague.org.

[gemini3]

Your first order of business is to establish paternity.  If I were you I would ask for custody.  The fact that she is trying to force you out of her, and therefore the baby's, life does not bode well for the future.  She's using the child as a pawn before it's even born.

Jade, I disagree with you.  There are plenty of men out there who have raised infants, and done a damn good job of it.  If I had to choose between breastfeeding and having a father, I would pick having a father.  There are hundreds of thousands of healthy, well adjusted children and adults out there who were fed only formula.  Have you seen the statistics for kids without fathers?  

I think it's completely unfair for the courts to prohibit overnight visits for babies just because of a gender bias.  The fathers have just as much right to bond with the child as the mothers do, and I think it's ignorant and biased to deny them this opportunity because the mother wants to breast feed.  Not breast feeding is not going to endanger the child.  Not having a father will.

[raymi]

I agree that # 1 you should establish paternity as soon as possible. One thing that I would like to mention is make sure you say out of any legal trouble. Watch your back when it comes to any interactions with her. She could very easily falsely accuse you of abusing her from assault to disorderly conduct and then you'd be stuck with supervised visits.

[Jade]

>Your first order of business is to establish paternity.  If I
>were you I would ask for custody.  The fact that she is trying
>to force you out of her, and therefore the baby's, life does
>not bode well for the future.  She's using the child as a pawn
>before it's even born.
>
>Jade, I disagree with you.  There are plenty of men out there
>who have raised infants, and done a damn good job of it.  If I
>had to choose between breastfeeding and having a father, I
>would pick having a father.  There are hundreds of thousands
>of healthy, well adjusted children and adults out there who
>were fed only formula.  Have you seen the statistics for kids
>without fathers?  
>
>I think it's completely unfair for the courts to prohibit
>overnight visits for babies just because of a gender bias.
>The fathers have just as much right to bond with the child as
>the mothers do, and I think it's ignorant and biased to deny
>them this opportunity because the mother wants to breast feed.
> Not breast feeding is not going to endanger the child.  Not
>having a father will.


First, I didn't say that the father shouldn't have parenting time.  

Second, there are risks involved with formula.  Like it or not, that is a simple fact.  

Third, overnight visits on an infant is hard on them.  And does not provide the type of stability that they need.  Which is why my state doesn't do them.  It doesn't matter who has custody.  The infant needs a primary home.  

BTW, not breastfeeding DOES endanger a child.  But since it is clear that I have done a lot more research on breastfeeding than you have, I am not going to argue the point.  The facts speak for themselves.

And I never said anything about the father not bonding.  It is a fact that more frequent visits are better for an infant.  And that they need a primary home.  

It is also a fact that the human baby needs human milk.  

[GADAD]

She does not go to school, and I believe she has 6 weeks off work, and then has to return. I dont know the status on breastfeeding, but am inclined to think not. She likes to party, we both do-we met in a bar. But I think that she has not been drinking since she found out she is pregnant. I also have refrained. This has helped me with my grades and refocus on my future. I can tell you that both of us have very supportive families that are willing to help out where ever they can. I agree with the comment about staying clean and calm, she is already starting to suggest that I am an unfit dad, so I know that she will grab on to anything she can get. I have  no record of anything, and am working hard to get my degree so I can provide for this child. My family are  upstanding members in the community, and they are willing to go to bat for me in the hopes that I can have a part of this childs future. I find it amazing that the father has to fight for any rights with his child. Both of us had an equal part in creating this child.
I appreciate all of your comments and help.

[gemini3]

I didn't claim that you said the father shouldn't have parenting time.

You always make grand assumptions on what I have and have not done.  How do you know what I have researched?  Since you have done so much research you probably also know that most of the scary statistics you read about the dangers of feeding a child formula include data from non-industrialized countries.  The risks are much lower for babies in industrialized countries, like ours.  In fact, it's difficult to even gather data in ONLY industrialized nations, because the number of women who breastfeed past four months of age is so small.  Only an estimated 22% of women even breastfeed to four months of age.  Most of the studies I've seen have extremely low sample sizes.  I've taken the time to look that far into it, have you?

It is also a fact that a child needs a father.  Have you researched the impact of that on children?  Children from fatherless homes are more likely to be poor, become involved in drug and alcohol abuse, drop out of school, and suffer from health and emotional problems. Boys are more likely to become involved in crime, and girls are more likely to become pregnant as teens.

In a circumstance like this it's necessary to make a choice between two less than ideal options.  Neither option is the best.  Yes, if all other factors were equal, breastfeeding the baby would be the best choice.  I am not arguing that.  We're discussing the lesser of two evils here.  

What this really comes down to is who gets to be the person that the baby bonds to.  You make an automatic assumption that it should be the mother, and use breastfeeding to support your position.  I disagree.  My brother raised his second son on his own.  He fed him from a bottle, and bonded with him, and his son is a thriving healthy young boy.  He bonded with my brother the same way he would have with his mom if she would have been his primary caretaker in infancy.

If this young man is more responsible, more likely to be there for the baby, and can better provide for this child, why not allow him the opportunity to be the baby's primary care-taker?  Because he doesn't have breasts?