Mother and Lawyer causing unnecessary lost visitation with Father & family

[kelli_r_m]

I am writing this in hopes that I can get some help from anyone who has been in a similar situation, or if anyone knows any family law attorneys that make payment plans in San Antonio, Tx.  Thanks to anyone who can help.

Back in March, an isolated event happened in my house between me and my boyfriend involving his son which has caused us never ending problems between his mother and us including not being able to see his son and having to take unnecessary classes.

The events that took place:

My boyfriend's 4 year old son was acting up and I made a remark that I wanted to harm him.  It was not directed toward him - just a rant out loud out of frustration.  My boyfriend slapped me as a result and his son was in the adjoining room and witnessed his father strike me.  This upset me very very much because it was unexpected and had never happened before.  My boyfriend immediately went to his son and explained what had happened and how it was wrong of him and he should never do something like that.   Like I mentioned, I was upset and called his mother and told her what had happened.  My boyfriend then spoke to her and told her what had happened and how he had spoken with their son, and their son wasn't upset about what happened.  The mother immediately came over and picked up their son and said that she was going to call her lawyer.  The following day, we received a call from Child Protective Services with allegations against me and my boyfriend saying that we have an abusive relationship with eachother and with my children (I am a mother of 2 boys - ages 2 and 4 at the time).  CPS came to my house to do an interview and told us that the mother was being irrational and found me and Brian not to have an abusive relationship with the children or eachother and found the event to be an isolated one and the case was closed.  Because of the findings with CPS, the mother allowed our normal visitation with their son to continue.  She called the house a couple of times when her son wasn't over there and I became angry with her and asked her not to call unless her son was over there or it was an emergency involving her son.  I was so upset with her because being a mother is something I hold of value more then anything else and what she did was one of the worse things anyone could do to me.  I didn't want to look at her, talk to her, have any involvement with her - I am positive this feeling would have passed, but it needed more then a few days after the event.   The next day she called and said that she was taking my boyfriend to court.  She said that she didn't want him to be around me because she was afraid I was going to harm him.  Her lawyer filed under 153.004 (D) - pretty much this is a restraining order saying that their son shouldn't come over here because there is a history of domestic violence/abuse.  At the moment my boyfriend has standard visitation, and the mother wanted to make it to where he could only have supervised visitations.  A court date was set up for the first week of May, but my boyfriend and the mother had a mediation to try and avoid going to court - we couldn't afford a lawyer and risk her getting what she wanted.  The lawyer explained what could happen to my boyfriend if they went to court and he asked the lawyer what we could do to prevent this.  She told him to take an anger management class and for both of us to take parenting classes - she made it seem like it would be inexpensive and not take very long.  It took her a month (after me calling multiple times) to send us the paperwork to sign up for the classes.  The parenting classes are 8 weeks long, and I am due in a couple of weeks with our child and her lawyer said I didn't have to take the parenting classes.  The anger-management classes are 24 weeks long - a total of $260, and they are at the same time as the parenting classes - making it a total of 8 months to take the classes.  The mother set up supervised visitations at a kids exchange, but the times that this is open also interferes with the other classes.  When my boyfriend and I agreed that the classes were what was best, we were not aware of the length and cost of the classes.  We don't want to wait 8 months to be able to see his son again - we all miss him terribly and he is about to have a new little sister that we haven't even had much of a chance to prepare him for.

We want to go back to court, but we are not sure if we can do it without a lawyer.  All we have are ourselves and the CPS files.

Any help will be appreciated.  Thanks.  

[mistoffolees]

>We want to go back to court, but we are not sure if we can do
>it without a lawyer.  All we have are ourselves and the CPS
>files.

It's up to you, but I would never consider trying to straighten this out without an attorney.

[Jade]

He hit you.  In front of a child.  You threatened to hurt his child.  And you are surprised that the mother took the steps she took?  

I would have done the same thing.  But my ex would have still had visits.  They would have been supervised (and without you present, in fact, I would probably pursue a restraining order against someone who threatened to hust my children) while he attended the necessary classes.  

If he doesn't have at least supervised visits, he needs to get himself a lawyer.  He probably should have gotten one from the beginning.  

BTW, you ARE in an abusive relationship.  Your boyfriend has shown quite clearly that he is capable of hitting you.  But it is common to treat the first instance of abuse as an isolated incident.  

[MixedBag]

Well, I sat in your shoes about 2 years ago but EX#3 didn't hit me or the boys.  (One mine, and one his).

My EX tried the same thing but we already had a court date set.

And I had plenty of documentation to show EX was vindictive etc....and blew things out of proportion too.  Which to this day, I say EX#3 was right in doing what he did considering what happened.

You have another choice which is to remove yourself from the picture at least temporarily.

I too have been concerned about domestic violence and keep a very vigilant eye on two situations.  One got eliminated though last summer with the divorce.  the other will be eliminated only with time as my son grows older and graduates from high school.

Put yourself in her shoes.  Actually you are just about there because you say you have two small children of your own.  Think about protecting them.

In my case, I had decided and promised my son to never leave him alone with SS (who was the instigator) and I was in the position where I never did.

BTW -- many of us here deal with EXs who are very vocal in their behavior and the best thing for you is to learn to deal with it.....which includes removing yourself from the situation.  (like don't anser the phone when you see it coming).

[kelli_r_m]

The ONLY reason the mother took the steps she took was because I told her I didn't want her to call the house. The mother has never liked me from the beginning because her son would prefer being with me and his father vs. her - he used to cry when we would have to take him back to her.  
She knows just as much as I do that the father is is probably one of the most passive people you will meet.  He is a trained in martial arts, so his son has seen him strike me in the form of martial arts many times.  This time was not in the form of training so it was surprising - it wasn't even strong enough to hurt or leave a mark.  It was just the fact that it happened.  His son didn't even hear me threaten him, and I was the one who told his mother what I said.  She knows that I would never harm him, or any children for that matter  - which she told me on the phone before all of this happened - like I said before, she wasn't going to do anything until I told her not to call the house.  

I didn't want to write these things earlier because it isn't relevant to the situation, but I would just like to put in all of the surrounding events going on.

His mother is unfit - she is engaged to her ex fiance's best friend.  She has lived with 3 different men in the past year - her ex fiance and her new fience (his ex-best friend).  She has had her son calling both of these men 'daddy' and had her calling his real father by his first name or 'daddy' depending on what man she was in a relationship with.  She exposed her child to drugs and alcohol (didn't know about the drugs until after she had already seperated from her ex) She considers a video game a babysitter for him and that is what he will do from sun up to sun down unless she is going somewhere.  

My boyfriend and I are completely family oriented, as in we do hands-on activities with the boys daily.  We don't drink or do drugs.  We go to school and work - my boyfriend is a preschool teacher.   Everything we do is for the kids.  The only arguments we ever have are about his ex and her parenting skills.  We would teach his son things when we had them, ask his mother to work with him, and by the time of our next visitation he had already forgotten.  


This event was an isolated one, and the actions that she took were not a direct result from the event, but of the things that followed.  

[kelli_r_m]

I would remove myself from the situation if I could because it might make things better, but my boyfriend and I are expecting a baby any day now and it would be hard on my two boys, too.  

I too was in an abusive relations ship with my children's father for almost 2 years.  I didn't want to leave my boys alone with him either.

The relationship with my boyfriend and I show no signs of being abusive at all except for that one day - I posted another response to someone else speaking about this.  

We just want to be able to see his son again because he is just as much one of my children as my own.  I honestly know it is more harmful for him to be away then to be with us.  

[Jade]

>The ONLY reason the mother took the steps she took was
>because I told her I didn't want her to call the house. The
>mother has never liked me from the beginning because her son
>would prefer being with me and his father vs. her - he used to
>cry when we would have to take him back to her.  
>She knows just as much as I do that the father is is probably
>one of the most passive people you will meet.  He is a trained
>in martial arts, so his son has seen him strike me in the form
>of martial arts many times.  This time was not in the form of
>training so it was surprising - it wasn't even strong enough
>to hurt or leave a mark.  It was just the fact that it
>happened.  His son didn't even hear me threaten him, and I was
>the one who told his mother what I said.  She knows that I
>would never harm him, or any children for that matter  - which
>she told me on the phone before all of this happened - like I
>said before, she wasn't going to do anything until I told her
>not to call the house.  

You can continue to justify your boyfriend's abuse (that's how it starts, you know).  But you THREATENED to hurt a child.  If I were the mother, I would have done exactly the same thing.

And if my boyfriend had hit me like yours hit you, he wouldn't be my boyfriend and would have assault charges pressed against him.  

If you want to put up with abuse that is your prerogative.  But the mother is 100% right in trying to protect her child.



>
>I didn't want to write these things earlier because it isn't
>relevant to the situation, but I would just like to put in all
>of the surrounding events going on.
>
>His mother is unfit - she is engaged to her ex fiance's best
>friend.  She has lived with 3 different men in the past year -
>her ex fiance and her new fience (his ex-best friend).  She
>has had her son calling both of these men 'daddy' and had her
>calling his real father by his first name or 'daddy' depending
>on what man she was in a relationship with.  She exposed her
>child to drugs and alcohol (didn't know about the drugs until
>after she had already seperated from her ex) She considers a
>video game a babysitter for him and that is what he will do
>from sun up to sun down unless she is going somewhere.  

So?  The father is living with you and expecting a baby with you even though you aren't married to him.


>
>My boyfriend and I are completely family oriented, as in we do
>hands-on activities with the boys daily.  We don't drink or do
>drugs.  We go to school and work - my boyfriend is a preschool
>teacher.   Everything we do is for the kids.  The only
>arguments we ever have are about his ex and her parenting
>skills.  We would teach his son things when we had them, ask
>his mother to work with him, and by the time of our next
>visitation he had already forgotten.  
>

Well, one thing that the father taught his child is that it is okay for a man to hit a woman.  


>
>This event was an isolated one, and the actions that she took
>were not a direct result from the event, but of the things
>that followed.  


People usually do treat the first time like an isolated incident.  I did.
>

[kelli_r_m]

You do not know me or my boyfriend, so I will no longer try to make excuses for him hitting me.  People who know us will stand on our side as this being an isolated incident, also.  I have been in an abusive relationship before and pressed charges and my children's father is not allowed to see his children because of this.  I know an abusive relationship - I have been in one, had therapy for one, and I can say with 100% certainty that this is not an abusive relationship.  

As for showing his son it is OK to hit a woman - it would have been teaching him that if he were to have acted like it was OK, but he immediately spoke to his son.  His son has spent his entire life around men and women striking eachother because of the fact that his father teaches and participates in martial arts.  

Here is what I said "Someone needs to spank that child" - my words.   I don't even spank my own children, but his son was throwing a fit about how he wanted to go home and play his video games because we wouldn't let him play the video games at out house.

AS for being unmarried and having a baby - his mother is unmarried and having a baby, too.  Only she is no longer with the father of this baby - she was actually dating 2 people in the same month she conceived.  Yes, mine and my boyfriend's pregnancy was unplanned, but we were using protection and do not regret one bit of this pregnancy.  I am sorry to say, but premarital sex is more common then not.  

If the mother was trying to protect her child, why would she allow drugs to be used by her partner in her house?   Why would she allow him to go all day without eating because he was 'too busy' playing his game?  Why would she allow someone who has had her children taken away from child protective services to watch her son?  Why would she involve her child in her many promiscuous relationships?

Who is doing the harm here?  

[kelli_r_m]

That is the reason we haven't gone to court - we can't afford a lawyer.  

We have enough documentation between character profiles, anger-assessments concerning my boyfriend showing he has no anger problem, and the CPS caseworker finding the mother's claims to be irrational and agreeing to speak in front of a judge.  We just need a lawyer to be able to bring these issues up in court.  We just want to see his son again.  

[gemini3]

Are supervised visitations stipulated in the mediation agreement?