End of rope

[diasean]

My wife and I separated a few years ago when she fell for another man.
She left him and came back to me and we had a child who's timing was suspect, but not impossible. I love my daughter more than life itself. I've been a stay at home dad for her and recently went back into the workforce.

My wife cheated on me again. 2 men in less than a month. One of which the guy from years ago. A man I consider dangerous as he flies into violent rages frequently according to former room-mates. As recently as this month he threatened to shoot one who was moving out.

So I left my wife and we share custody. I push for a little more time with my daughter every few weeks and I'm up to a few hours on Monday and Tuesday mornings, Over nights on Wednesday into Thursday morning. A few hours in the afternoon on Friday and alternating weekends. I recently asked for Tuesdays also considering on those off weeks I only get her 1 night that week. 6 days in 14 day period doesn't feel like too much to ask for with your own daughter. She disagrees.

On top of this, she's moving my 3 year old daughter into a living arrangement with this man. In his home. Where he threatened to shoot someone. She thinks this is a great idea. I don't. Her friends don't (any who know him, none who do were asked for advice on the decision).

I can't just let her bring my daughter into that situation. I can't risk my daughter getting hurt. What am I supposed to do when she won't listen?

I need advice. I need to make sure that whatever I do doesn't hurt my daughter more than letting them go there, but I honestly fear for her safety in that place.

Money is tight, so up til now I had no lawyer, no lawyer's advice. The divorce was supposed to be clean cut and dried. Now? Obviously not anymore.

[mistoffolees]

If you can scrape together the money, an attorney is very helpful.

A few random bits of advice in no particular order:
- Make sure that you ask for a rule on no unmarried overnight guests in the home. Most judges grant that routinely if you ask for it. Most people don't think it's reasonable to have children in the same house as opposite sex overnight guests. I think you'll have better luck with that argument than trying to prove that this particular person is bad.
- If you feel that the daughter is in danger, AND CAN PROVE IT, then you can very reasonably ask for custody. However, proving it is often very hard. Even if you can prove it, there's no guarantee.
- Think about what you hope to accomplish. Do you really want (and think you have a chance for) full physical custody? If 50:50 makes sense, ask for it from the court. If so, ask for it. You'll never get there by asking for a little more time every week.
- You might ask the court to order a custody evaluation. It's not cheap, but it should cost less than litigation. You should be able to help choose the evaluator. In my case, ex provided 3 names and we chose one of them (we had the right to reject all of them and propose our own names if we felt they were biased). A good custody evaluator can see through a lot of nonsense, but a bad one can create a lot of headaches, so choose carefully.
- Ask for right of first refusal. Basically, this says that if she is unable to watch the child overnight on one of her scheduled nights that you have the right to take the child before she can send the child to a parent, sitter, whatever.
- Do not rely on verbal agreements - or even written agreements until they've been signed by the judge. You can agree to anything you want, but without the judge's signature, it's worthless - and she can come back on you later.
- Don't ignore the child support issue. If you were a stay at home dad, she's presumably making more money than you do. Even if you have the kids half of the time, you could still be owed support. In my case, we have 50:50 physical custody of my daughter, but I'm still paying a boatload of child support because of the differences in our incomes. If you can get 50:50 physical, she may owe you support.
- Although spousal support for husbands is less common than spousal support for wives, it's not unheard of. If she's making much more money than you, you could ask for spousal support (alimony). If the difference in incomes is great enough, she might end up paying your legal bills, too. Also make sure you got yoru share of household assets (typically, 50% of all assets accumulated during the marriage, but this varries from state to state).

Good luck.

[LT Cole]

all good advice.

The only thing I would add is, if there is any question of paternity as you said in your post there seems to be...
get a paternity test done.

This is important now as it will define many things, but more so may be very important later in this childs life.

I found out the hard way. My Son fell ill very quickly and was rushed into hospital, the Dr's of course asked for a complete medical history of me and his mother to search for genetic possibilities.  Twelve hours later my son had passed away, turned out hed had a severe genetic disorder of the heart that was indeed genetic, for his real fathers side of the family!  Had we had known i wasnt his father, there were medications he could have been given to save his life.

Yes this is an extreem case, especially in this "nothing like that will happen to me" world, but you never know when knowing the truth could save a life.  It was hard to hear that i was not his father, but had we have known he could have been saved.

Good Luck

Oh and if you do seek legal action, be sure to inform them of the question of paternity, they can advise you of any legal rights you have even if your not the childs biological father.

and on a Side note.  you say this man the ex is moving in with is the "other man"?  As in, this man might very well be the childs father, in this case you certainly need to check into a paternity test, because its likely your ex might have told him the child is his and this is why hes agreed to let them move in with him.

Again, something to definatly mention to your laywer.

oh and that whole, noone of the opposite sex when kids over thing...you dont say if your currently seeing anyone (i started seeing my new wife of 6 yrs now only 2 weeks after my wife threw me out of the house perminently)  it kind of puts a severe shutter on when you will be able to see that person...especially if you try for 50/50 custody.  
It works both ways.

[mistoffolees]

If you can scrape together the money, an attorney is very helpful.

A few random bits of advice in no particular order:
- Make sure that you ask for a rule on no unmarried overnight guests in the home. Most judges grant that routinely if you ask for it. Most people don't think it's reasonable to have children in the same house as opposite sex overnight guests. I think you'll have better luck with that argument than trying to prove that this particular person is bad.
- If you feel that the daughter is in danger, AND CAN PROVE IT, then you can very reasonably ask for custody. However, proving it is often very hard. Even if you can prove it, there's no guarantee.
- Think about what you hope to accomplish. Do you really want (and think you have a chance for) full physical custody? If 50:50 makes sense, ask for it from the court. If so, ask for it. You'll never get there by asking for a little more time every week.
- You might ask the court to order a custody evaluation. It's not cheap, but it should cost less than litigation. You should be able to help choose the evaluator. In my case, ex provided 3 names and we chose one of them (we had the right to reject all of them and propose our own names if we felt they were biased). A good custody evaluator can see through a lot of nonsense, but a bad one can create a lot of headaches, so choose carefully.
- Ask for right of first refusal. Basically, this says that if she is unable to watch the child overnight on one of her scheduled nights that you have the right to take the child before she can send the child to a parent, sitter, whatever.
- Do not rely on verbal agreements - or even written agreements until they've been signed by the judge. You can agree to anything you want, but without the judge's signature, it's worthless - and she can come back on you later.
- Don't ignore the child support issue. If you were a stay at home dad, she's presumably making more money than you do. Even if you have the kids half of the time, you could still be owed support. In my case, we have 50:50 physical custody of my daughter, but I'm still paying a boatload of child support because of the differences in our incomes. If you can get 50:50 physical, she may owe you support.
- Although spousal support for husbands is less common than spousal support for wives, it's not unheard of. If she's making much more money than you, you could ask for spousal support (alimony). If the difference in incomes is great enough, she might end up paying your legal bills, too. Also make sure you got yoru share of household assets (typically, 50% of all assets accumulated during the marriage, but this varries from state to state).

Good luck.

[LT Cole]

all good advice.

The only thing I would add is, if there is any question of paternity as you said in your post there seems to be...
get a paternity test done.

This is important now as it will define many things, but more so may be very important later in this childs life.

I found out the hard way. My Son fell ill very quickly and was rushed into hospital, the Dr's of course asked for a complete medical history of me and his mother to search for genetic possibilities.  Twelve hours later my son had passed away, turned out hed had a severe genetic disorder of the heart that was indeed genetic, for his real fathers side of the family!  Had we had known i wasnt his father, there were medications he could have been given to save his life.

Yes this is an extreem case, especially in this "nothing like that will happen to me" world, but you never know when knowing the truth could save a life.  It was hard to hear that i was not his father, but had we have known he could have been saved.

Good Luck

Oh and if you do seek legal action, be sure to inform them of the question of paternity, they can advise you of any legal rights you have even if your not the childs biological father.

and on a Side note.  you say this man the ex is moving in with is the "other man"?  As in, this man might very well be the childs father, in this case you certainly need to check into a paternity test, because its likely your ex might have told him the child is his and this is why hes agreed to let them move in with him.

Again, something to definatly mention to your laywer.

oh and that whole, noone of the opposite sex when kids over thing...you dont say if your currently seeing anyone (i started seeing my new wife of 6 yrs now only 2 weeks after my wife threw me out of the house perminently)  it kind of puts a severe shutter on when you will be able to see that person...especially if you try for 50/50 custody.  
It works both ways.

[diasean]

Thank you both for the words of advice.
I'm trying to find myself a lawyer right now.

The good thing in CT is that I have rights as father regardless of Paternity test due to being married to her mother at the time of birth and for quite a while beforehands.

I am dating someone, funnily enough someone who used to help me watch my daughter from time to time so she already has a good relationship with my daughter. It seemed like a good idea at the time and being with someone who doesn't tell me I'm useless and worthless has been a very good feeling.

Like I said, it's not su moch how much custody I have as in keeping her away from someone I (and others) consider to be dangerous.

Someone sent me an email of his own experience with the man last night. He followed it with the words of I didn't tell you this, I won't testify. TO put it mildly I found myself very frustrated with a sentiment like that. How can anyone knowlingly allow a child to be placed into a dangerous situation?

[LT Cole]

sounds to me like the guy might be frightend of what this guy might do if he found out hes testified to anything in a case where hes already been threatend...

as long as this person your dating has a good relationship with the kid and you guys are happy together that should not be an issue

[mistoffolees]

One last thing - you probably want to get yourself tested for STDs.

[diasean]

Actually, not so much. I knew the day she did it and stopped sleeping with her, but yeah. Good looking out.

what a thought though

[mishelle2]

ok .. so I would add.....

go online look for your local court and do a criminal search on this man, if he may have a criminal background, and that will help you in court. If you cant figure out how to find it.. email me privately and I will help you.