looking for advice in PA

[jb1348]

I am new to this whole thing, and this is the first website of this kind that i have visited, but I have gotten myself into a situation and I was hoping that there was someone out there who could offer me some advice.

I am a 25 yr. old male, unmarried, and recently had my first child.  It was with a girlfriend, and we broke up during the pregnancy.  Throughout the pregnancy her emotions were out of control, one day she would despise the sight of me, the next we were like best friends.  We talked all along about the fact that once the baby was born we were going to keep the legal system out of it and just work it out between the two of us.  We set a price that I would pay each month and agreed that visitation would be whenever we both have time.  It seemed like a fine solution, except now that my daughter is here I almost never see her.  I have always wanted kids, and I was so excited to be a father.  I have a really good job in sales, which also allows my schedule to be VERY flexible, so basically i tell her each week to tell me what time works for her and I can work around it.  That worked for about 3 weeks, allowing me to see my baby girl once a week, but now I havent seen her in 3 weeks, and I dont have any good idea when the next time I will see her is.  We cant get along at all on the phone any more, and she calls me a baby when i tell her how much i miss my daughter, and she constantly threatens me with how bad I would have it if we got the courts involved.  I guess my real question is, Is she bluffing?  I cant imagine the courts would never allow me to see my baby.  I am a perfectly capable father, I love kids (i used to work at an elementary school) and I am asking for absolutely NOTHING, except just to spend some time with my baby girl once in a while.
I live in Pennsylvania, and maybe i just need to talk to a lawyer, but i thought someone on here might be able to offer me some advice.
What are my rights?  Am i better off leaving the courts out of it?
Thanks a lot if anyone has time to help.

[Ref]

As of now, you have no rights to see your child AND any money that you are spending on CS could easily be looked at as a gift and not applied to back child support that you may be ordered to pay.

Look for a good attorney, one with a Family Law background, or preferably a Father's Rights background.

If you google the name of your county and "visitation agreement" or "parenting plan" you will hopefully come up with a standard that the judge would go by. Then you will want to tweak it for your circumstances. You also want to google "child support calculator" and "PA". This should give you a number of online calculators so that you can estimate how much you will have to pay. This will give you a starting point to work from.

The most important thing is to get a good lawyer. Many people cheap-out with the lawyer, and pay for it later. Do your homework now and invest in your child by getting good representation.

Keep coming to this site. It is fantastic.

Best wishes,
Ref

[Giggles]

The court could be your best bet at this time.  Your X could dissapear and there really isn't all that much you could do about it.  First of all STOP paying her any money, instead, put that money into an account so when the CS is COURT ORDERED, you'll have it.  Do as Ref said and Google the CS calculator, that will give you an idea of how much to be putting away.  2nd, Tread CAREFULLY, many times these unstable X's get a wild hair and start accusing you of Domestic Violence, abuse, etc.  NEVER get into a situation where you are alone with the X, always have a witness with you if possible,  if not, then meet in a public place!  3rd, KNOW exactly the parenting time you want, BE SPECIFIC on pick up, drop off times and places, holidays, right to first refusal, and make sure you have a "move away" clause!!  This is why it is soo important to have a good Family/Father's rights attorney!!!

[jb1348]

Thank you guys for the advice, its really nice to have someone to talk to (sort of).  There are a couple of new developements though if you have another minute.
Basically, I brought up the idea to her of talking to a lawyer and getting things more official - coming up with a schedule, signing acknowledgement of paternaty papers, etc. and she basically flipped out.  She started screaming at me, saying that if i took her to court she would "make my life a living hell!"  She said that she would do everything to fight me, that she would badmouth me to my daughter every chance she got, and that she would do everything in her power to basically wreck my life.  She has started dating a guy now that basically forbids her from even being cordial to me, and she thinks that he is right.  
I want more than anything to have a lifelong, meaningful relationship with my little girl, but I am more worried about her life, and how my actions will affect her.  I guess i am pretty scared.  I still think i am going to have to take her to court since she is not allowing me to see my daughter, (and she has stated that my family is not welcome to see her because she doesnt owe them anything, she says), but I hope there is some way to either use her threats to help me, or at least feel like there is any way i can avoid them coming true.
Sorry for babbling, but the last replies helped me out alot, if only emotionally, so hopefully i can get some more help.
Thanks guys.

[Ref]

Look into Parental Alienation Syndrome. This is what she is hanging over your head. It is a horribly common thing for NCP to deal with.

I understand that you are worried about how going to court will change things with BM, but think of it this way, you have no access to your child now and you will always have to do exactly what she says or risk not seein gyour daughter. Take care of it now while it is early. Make sure dates and times for visitation are spelled out. Make sure your rights to information regarding her school and medical are spelled out. Make sure to spell out appropriate times and how often you are to call BM's home when DD is there and how often BM can and what times when DD is with you.

You will have to have everything spelled out because she is set up to make your life hell and she seems like she doesn't care how it effects her own daughter.

I wont blow smoke up your butt. Things won't be easy after you file but if you think they will be easy if you don't, you are kidding yourself. She probably will badmouth you and there might be days you wished you just walked away, but you will lose so much more if you don't get things written out.

How about this, get an attorney and see what he thinks about mediation. Maybe court is the threat to her and if you go to mediation and get an agreement signed by a judge it wont be so bad. My guess is it isn't court but the fact that she will lose whatever control she has over you is what bothers her.

Look up PAS and learn how to counteract some of the effects.

Ref

[Giggles]

Do look into PAS, it's a nasty thing for her to do and it will be detrimental to your daughter.  HOWEVER, the more concreat your parenting plan is the better it can counter the PAS!!  That being said, it sounds like the time of telephone conversations is done.  Refuse to communicate on the phone, take everything to E-mail or letters, that way you have documentation of her threats.

You really need to get a court order in place and every time...EVERY time she violates it, you need to take her to court.  It will be expensive, but eventually judges get sick of seeing repeats and it could possibly gain you full custody.

If communicating via e-mail isn't possible, check into your state laws regarding telephone recording.  Telling her that you're recording the conversation may put an end to the verbal garbage, but then again it may stop all telephone conversations...so it's very touchy.

Just keep in mind how important your daughter is...that you're doing this for her and above all....Love your daughter MORE than you hate your X.

It might get nasty, so you really need to get an IRON CLAD agreement in place!!

Good Luck!!!