Ex blocking access to kids

[NCDAD]

Hi, I'm divorced for 1yr and I have 3 kids 16,15,12. Custody=joint legal, Ex has primary physical. Ex alienated kids and they refused to any visitation with me, so I agreed to leave visitation to kid's discretion. Per custody agreement, kids can see me anytime and as much as they want. In last 2 months kids have shown interest in seeing me again and we have been communicating by e-mail. 3 weeks ago I had them over to my house for dinner and they spent a few hours with me, first time  we had been together in over a year. It went great, but since then cummunication has stopped. It is obvious the Ex is intimidating them into not communicating with me. I have continued to try and communicate with them but they have stopped responding. Get this, I only live about 200 yards away from them. I built a house close by so they could see me without any inconvenience...I am at wits end. I have fought for 2 years to stay in their lives but have been blocked at every turn by the Ex....Any suggestions?

[MixedBag]

don't give up and keep after them.

Keep sending e-mails.

and counter block the EX's attempts at every turn.

If the kids have a cell, send them a text now and then too.

[NCDAD]

What can be done when it is clear my ex is intimidating, emotionally and mentally abusing my kids to prevent them from showing me any favor?

[MixedBag]

Read Divorce Poison -- awesome book on alienation, when kids are brainwashed, and badgered into behavior.

Counter with a lot of "What do you think?" type of questions.

Encourage them to stand up for themselves and become independent thinkers.

Remind them that one day (way too soon) that they will be 18, out of the house, and have to think for themselves.

There is NO clear cut "DO THIS" answer to your question -- you have to try many different things, and some things together with others.

[NCDAD]

Thanks. Actually I have read " Divorce Poison" and agree it has very good information.

Thanks for your advice. I have been fighting for my kids for 2 years now. It is just so emotionally painful. Living right behind them and never getting to see them, being totally ignored like I don't even exist. I think the ex occasionally lets them show a little interest in me just to get my hopes up and then cuts them off just to spite me.

[falsely accused]

I do have some advice for you.   But because I so shocked and horrified by your post, I have some questions first.

Your wife sounds like an alienator to the extreme.   Did you have an evaluation done and is she o.k. mentally?

What state do you live in?  Illinois is tough on this type of alientation, but not all states are.  Depending on what kind of evidence and documentation you have, she could lose custody for this behavior.

My advice is this.   Don't be passive or too permissive with your kids on allowing them freedom to do what they want.   I know they are older and it is probably hard to control the situation, but don't give up.  Make fun events or whatever you have to do to get things going so they are coming over voluntarily.  Then, don't give up.  Giving them permission allows them to just be lazy about it.

My additional advice is research Parental Alienation.  Look for the signs and see how your case applies.   Then document the signs that you have experienced.  You may need it.

Next, get a lawyer and have a motion for court appointed counseling to repair your relationship with the children.  Use your evidence that they have been alienated.  You will be able to meet with your kids and a counselor and work it out.  There might be a lot of things they want to say but can't.    You are their father, they love you for sure, but there is an obvious problem.  

Get to the bottom of it.

[NCDAD]

Oh, we have been through counseling. The ex refused to cooperate and the kids had obviously been coached. They were completely defiant and not open to working out a solution. The ex was allowed to get out of participating and she manipulated the whole thing. I eventually ran out of money and had to stop. She manipulated the court (North Carolina) by having the kids tell the Judge they were afraid of me and didn't want to have anything to do with me. I was told the kids were old enough to choose if they wanted to see me and even with court ordered visitation, I could not make the kids come and neither would the court. The ex has never had a mental exam or evaluation but she is clearly a psychopath. I have exhausted my legal course and honestly don't have the financial ability to pursue any further legal action. I continue to be as involved as I can with the kids. I go to my son's ball games and e-mail them even though they don't respond. I continue to offer them opprotunities to see me, even though they decline. As stated, I live practically in their back yard. I really don't know of anything more I can do. I have researched PAS extensively on the internet and advised my lawyer what was going on from the beginning, he said it was typical, he saw it all the time, don't worry about it. Then when we went to court he did a 180 and said your kids ar afraid of you, what have you done to them? I have gotten a few glimpses from the kids that they would like to see me, but everytime the ex senses  they are responding to me, she puts a stop to it and they go back to ignoring me... All I can really do is stay visible to the, keep offering them the opportunity to see me and let them know I love them.

[rbps]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this,  All I have been able to do is read, read, read and pray, pray, pray....

I have found support boards that help me get thru each day, at least I know I am not the only one going thru this.

Actually mixedbag is on another board that I frequent daily.

[NCDAD]

**Update**
Last March (07), the ex allowed another man to take up with my 12 yr old (11 at the time) daughter . He was her Sunday School teacher. He essentially became her Dad. He took her to and from ball practice, attended her ball games and was with her almost daily.I have since learned he was even picking her up from school and taking her back to his home. He was allowed to take her home after church on Sundays where she would spend the afternoon. He and his WIFE became very close with the ex and my kids. Against my approval, the ex allowed my 15 yr old daughter to carry on a dating relationship with his 20 yr old son. The two families went on several vacations together. I voiced my disapproval of the man's inappropriate relationship (with my 12 yr old daughter) to the ex, but she said he had been a blessing to them and how dare me to object. I confronted him twice and asked him to back off. He refused, he said he had been called by God to this minsitry and if I had a problem with it I would have to take it up with God. I called DSS and reported this inappropriate relationship and was told nothing could be done as long as the mother approved. Several people from the church and community confronted both my ex and this man about the relationship, but they ignored the warnings. My ex's own mother and my other two children voiced their concern and dissaproval of the relationship with no results. Two weeks ago my 12 yr old daughter finally admitted this man (who is 49 yrs old) had been sexually molesting her. He had raped her four times. He was arrested and is now in jail. My twelve yr old had been so brainwashed, she felt she had done nothing wrong. When interviewed by the authorities, she said he was her boy friend, they were in love and they were going to get married when she got old enough. There is also evidence that he was planning to kidnap her and take her to Texas and have her name changed. All of this transpired while my ex was supposed to be in charge of my children. She in fact promoted the relationship and refused to see what were obvious huge red flags to everyone else. I am still not allowed to see my daughter even since this came out. I talked to her for maybe 30 seconds on the phone, she refused to see me or talk to me. Is there anyone out there with any advice? I have seen several lawyers, but they all have said I am on shaky legal ground to try and go after the ex for neglect since she was not the perpetrater....Please, I need help!

[Kitty C.]

She may not have been the perpetrator, but she certainly was an accessory, considering she knew what was going on and did nothing to prevent it.  Have you talked to DHS/CPS and/or local law enforcement to see if either of their agencies have current cases against her?  I would find it hard to believe if they didn't.  How can they say it ISN'T neglect when she allowed AND encouraged the relationship??  Seems fishy, but it almost sounds like there's something else going on here, because this lady needs to have all her children and parental rights taken away from her.....but that's JMO.

If you haven't already, contact the local authorities to see what they're doing.  They HAVE to be investigating her if they're involved with the rest of the case.  Find out what they have on her and take THAT back to those so-called attys. who said nothing can be done.  Third party involvement, like law enforcement, gives you completely objective facts that the courts will listen to quicker than anyone else who has an emotional attachment to a case.