I don't know what to do ?

[Martin_SA]

Hi every one.

I am all the way from South Africa and I searched the net and could not find a single local support forum which could supple me with detailed answers. So I am hoping me posting here can help, and that the law practiced in the US is similar to ours.

Background
My ex-wanna be (my wife wants to divorce me) have known each other for 10 years and we have been married for 5 years. During the time of our marriage I have been very distant with my feelings towards her. We have had a lot of fights (still do) but yet we remained together. Two years ago our son was born and things looked up as he brought us closer. But then since last year November our marriage started to go down hill again.

She started a new job at a attorney firm (as a secretary) and she stayed out one night for a year end function. Upon her arrival home the next day she told me she was going to start competing in marathons. I was totally shocked since she never were the type who took any interest in such act ivies. She has became obsessive with her "running" and I could not dare to say a thing wrong in that direction. I later found out that she is running with her bosses brother who is managing the office she is working at. During the time starting text messaging him and later on confined in him that she is not happy with her marriage and that she doesn't love me. She is hiding her mobile phone from me so I have no clue what is being said. I confronted her but she said it is all work or running related. He often takes her during office hours to go shop (for new running equipment), drive with him on his motor cycle etc. The man I am suspecting she is having an affair with is married with 2 children (although my wife denies having an affair or feelings toward the suspected lover)

I have always helped my wife with the house hold choirs but as of late with her running schedule she is neglecting most if not all of them and I am stuck with all of it.

- I cook meals
- I look after our son when she is gone
- I do the washing
- I do the folding and packing away of laundry
- Often have to do the dishes and clean the house.
- Have to pay for a household to iron our clothes since I have no time to do it and my wife neglects it.
- I change our sons nappies in the mornings and clean him up and get him ready for school. I pack his school bag and check that he has clean clothes. My wife only make sure he has his bottles ready.

The list goes on.

So now I want to know. With the limited background given. What are my chances of getting custody of my son ? What loop holes should I watch out for ?

I cried over and over and over begging my wife not to leave since I deeply love her but she says she made her mind and she has to stick to it and that it is over. She wants to take our son and move out and grant me visiting rights every weekend but if I am not going to co-operate with her she can and make sure her lawyer make sure I see my son every 2nd weekend.

Last note. My wife is working for the attorney firm and is getting unlimited support and representation in court for free. So dragging this out is not going to be a good thing for me since I don't earn a big salary.

Please any advice is more than welcome

Thanking you in advance

[MixedBag]

Loopholes and what should you watch for?

That's really hard to say.

BUT I would recommend getting an attorney yourself -- particularly since she has one basically free through work.

There are good articles here to read and start with those.

[Fueledbyjava]

That's pretty much the same thing that happened to me. My divorce isn't done yet but all I can say is what helps me sleep better at night: If you truly love your son fight with everything you have for him, she is a lost cause, once they cross that line it would never be the same anyway.  You have to do what's right for yourself and your child, forget about her and don't trust her with any verbal agreements etc. you'll get played. Get an attorney and any deals must be in writing, mums the word from here on out. i know this sounds harsh but i went through the same thing and talking to her and making agreements got us absolutely nowhere. She is the enemy now. She will go after your money, she will use your son against you she will try to manipuate you to gain what she wants. She has an attorney for free and a new boyfriend. She has moved on, you are still greiving and hoping she will wake up. I went through the same thing and I wish I had listened to the advice I got earlier and stood up for myself alot earlier. Just do what's right and forget about getting her back.

[Martin_SA]

Yeah that is pretty much what every one said. I should forget her and move on. Regardless if she have a new boyfriend or not. She already told me she doesn't love me never will. So why delay.

I don't know. I still have such strong feelings towards her.

I guess I am also afraid of being alone ........... how did you guys cope with that ?

I know I won't be alone if I have my son with me and then my ex can go to hell. But if the court decide my son must stay with her then I am going to be devestated.

[tigger]

You deserve better than her and one day you'll get it.  It may take a while (and I would strongly suggest taking time out for yourself to be alone and heal from this hurt . . . otherwise every woman you date will pay for the wrong she's done.)  

Your son is your son and needs to be parented.  He shouldn't become your buddy or your companion.  You need friends for that.  Don't be your son's friend, be his parent.

[Fueledbyjava]

 that's true. don't let the divorce blind theway that you parent. It is very easy to fall into the trap of giving the child everything they want because of the turmoil that you are going through. I am still embroiled in y divorce and the court date isn't until September! Just stay focused on what's important which is your future and your son's future. Forget about trying to win her back. I went through almost the same exact scenario, and as hard as it is to let go it will happen eventually. Once you come to the realization that she doesn't care about your pain it will make it easier to do that. Don't let her use your child against you. You will have to put up with alot of B.S. but stay focused, don't let her spin you off course. Document everything you do with the child, and financially at home. Document anything she does or says and keep your cool, don't loose sight of your main goal which is your's and your son's stability. Oh and pray alot, that has helped me through alot of this because sometimes it will seem as if you have nothing left. Remember you reap what you sow, this will all come back to her some day.

[Martin_SA]

Thank you guys. Your support means alot to me.

I wrote her a letter last night stating my love for her but also that I can't see it work anymore and that I don't want to keep her bound by our marriage like a caged animal. I must say ....... I thought she will at least feel sad after reading the letter but she just read it and afterwards continued watching TV. I did see some happyness in her face and I could tell she is glad it is all comming to an end. I am going to search for a good lawyer today and state my case with him and hopefully my ods will be good to keep my son. I don't want him as a companion but I know she isn't a good mother. She is never around and never does anything in the house. I just don't understand why she wants to fight for him now. She told me she wants to take our son with because if she leaves him with me people will spread rumors that she ins't a good mother.

Anyhow. I will post often as our divorce moves through its stages. I know I am going to need alot of support.

Thank you guys.

[tigger]

her daughter.  I asked her why and she said, "Because I loved her too much to let my pride interfere with what was best for her."  She didn't want to give up custody but knew that her ex was a better parent; more disciplined, more consistency, more structure, and was nurturing at the same time.  She said that she fought to keep her for about a month when he sat her down and said, "Look, this isn't working.  We're battling over her like she's a piece of furniture.  Why do you want custody?  Search your heart and answer honestly.  If it's because you love her, then we're tied.  If it's because you think you're the better parent, then we're tied.  If it's because you're scared of what she or others will think of you, that's the wrong reason.  I promise, I will hold you in highest esteem for our daughter's sake.  I will tell everyone who asks why you gave up custody that you did it out of love.  I will make sure she knows it's because of your love and selflessness.  If, when she's a teen, she wants to live with you and you are stable and on your feet, I'll love her enough to let her go then."  She gave up custody because she knew she wasn't stable enough.  (She wasn't crazy, she just didn't have a steady, good paying job and still wanted to "live life".)  He lived up to his end of the deal except for the last part.  Last I spoke with her, she was in a good paying job, excellent benefits, was married and her daughter had just turned 13 and wanted to live with mom.  Dad refused and admitted it was because he couldn't bear the thought of "losing her".  Last I heard, they were negotiating.