I need advice

[b-ball]

Mom left 9 months ago our daughter was 6 months old.  Since then I have seen our daughter everday for an average of 2 hours.   I have been begging for overnights for the past 9 months and after mediation failed, I just kept her overnight on the advice of my attorney.  It was great.    It has been a month since I have had her overnight and i have been asking everyday.  She will only agree to it if I agree to the minimum parenting guidelines.  I have spent the last 3 weeks getting her to also agree to seeing her at the babysitter because my work schedule is very flexible.  She is only allowing this if I stay at the babysitter.   The guidelines offer this time, but does say they want it consistent.  I offered a set schedule where I can see her the same each week at my house, but she is refusing this.  I would have to have a preliminary order to make her and they won't do that with the court date so close.  

Our court date is a month and half away and we are currently in a custody evaluation.

Should I take the overnights to prove to the court that I am capable, even though I have done it the one night I kept her.   This will show I have had multiple overnights.  

Or should I keep the same schedule of seeing her each day to show the court we are perfectly able to do this form of shared parenting.  

I am after joint physical custody.  I don't want them to say now, "well you are doing the minimum guidelines, that is what the child is used to now, so that is what I am ordering"  I asked mom why our daughter can't have everyday contact and overnights, which is what the research is in her best interest, but she refuses.  

I hope the evaluator gives me the role of custodial parent because I will assure that our daughter has both parents in her life and is not caught in the middle.  

Thanks for the help and may God Bless You!!!!

[nosonew]

Your chances of 50/50 custody is much better if you continue to see your dtr every day.  You can explain that you chose not to be forced to give up daily time for one overnight visit.  Explain that you want to see your child daily, as much as possible, as you have a very close bond, and love your child with everything you are.  

I wish you the very best of luck! Your child is very lucky to have you in her life!!!

[stargzr56]

Hi, I agree with the previous statement that you would rather have daily visitation than one night, however, make sure that every time you have asked for anything from her, it is documented!!!! Date, time, and response are key elements when the evaluation is going on and before the end of the eval, you can show documentation as to the numerous times you have requested visitation and been denied, or any request with in reason and court orders. If the court orders have not been set as yet, then you need to establish a consistent schedule and always note when your ex is not being compliant. If you have court orders or temporary arrangements for the visitation and the ex is not sticking to that, you can file contmept charges against her and all you have to do is contact your attorney if you have one or go to the court and file it yourself. The more documentation you have that she is trying to keep the child away from you the better and any witnesses to that fact are even better! Good Luck!
Sharing God's Spirit
Stargzr56

[b-ball]

Thanks for the advice

If I take her proposal for the overnights I can see her everyday, but it will have to be at the babysitters for an hour or so the other 3 days of the work week.

What do you think?

[nosonew]

First Right of Refusal means that if the child is not in the other parent's care, the other parent gets "first dibs", meaning: If you are able to have the child rather than child being in daycare or otherwise watched by someone other than someone living in the home, the other parent gets the choice to keep the child during this time.  Hope I explained that right. It is ridiculous that you have to sit in a daycare playing with your daughter for 1-3 hours rather than have her at your home.  This must be put in your court order and if you EVER plan to remarry, specify that it is ONLY if the child is taken outside the home to be watched (that way your s.o. can watch child if you are working)  But, this works both ways!

I would take the overnight visit if it doesn't interfere with seeing your dtr otherwise.  And document EVERY time you ask for visitation, EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING is documented.  NO matter how insignificant it may appear at the moment, DOCUMENT!!!  

Good luck!!!!

[b-ball]

Thanks again,

I have been keeping a journal on a plain word document for the past 9 months.  I hope that is good enough?  

[nosonew]

Yes, should be.  I'm sure there are dates, times, parties involved, etc.  You canlook up the other info on this site, regarding first right of refusal.  Good luck, let us know what happens!

[bluesman]

>Its been a
>month since I have had her overnight and i have been asking
>everyday.  She will only agree to it if I agree to the minimum
>parenting guidelines.  I have spent the last 3 weeks getting
>her to also agree to seeing her at the babysitter because my
>work schedule is very flexible.  She is only allowing this if
>I stay at the babysitter.

>Should I take the overnights to prove to the court that I am
>capable, even though I have done it the one night I kept her.
> This will show I have had multiple overnights.  
>
>Or should I keep the same schedule of seeing her each day to
>show the court we are perfectly able to do this form of shared
>parenting.  
>
>I am after joint physical custody.  I don't want them to say
>now, "well you are doing the minimum guidelines, that is what
>the child is used to now, so that is what I am ordering"  I
>asked mom why our daughter can't have everyday contact and
>overnights, which is what the research is in her best
>interest, but she refuses.  

b-ball,

There are so many things that can affect the outcome - the laws of the state you live in, the judge, the evaluator, and many others. So I'm giving you the same advice I just gave in another message.

Everything you do right now can affect the outcome. What ever pattern you establish now can affect you when a decision is made. This next piece of advice comes from my experience - don't EVER agree to something in hopes that you can make changes or improve your situation later. Read that sentence again. You need to fight for every minute you can get an more because the chances of it being handed to you just because you ask are slim to none. If you aren't ready to accept something and have it be that way from now until the end of time, don't agree to anything. Now my experience was of course affected significantly by the laws of my state, California, which treats the NCP (usually the father) as non-essential in a child's life. I had an attorney who encouraged me to accept a temporary custody agreement in the courthouse before our first hearing in front of the judge. Notice I said 'HAD'. My new, competent attorney told me that wasn't a strike against me. It was at least two. Huge mistake that might have cost my kids their father for all intents and purposes.

Don't count on a custody evaluator to recommend custody for you because you're a good father, a nice guy, or believe that kids need both parents. I'm not saying he/she won't, I'm just saying don't take anything for granted and put on the best case you can. Don't expect the evaluator to be current on the latest studies showing that kids are better off with two parents. Give these studies to the evaluator and be as concise as possible about what you want them to pay attention to. They will not spend as much time on your case as you might expect so you need to organize and present your case well. Do NOT be afraid to bring up your concerns about the mom to the evalutor. Don't bash mom, but do not hold back on anything you think is important. Its all in how you present it.

Speaking for myself and based on my circumstances, it is an uphill battle for a father, especially when YOUNG children are involved. Just don't ever give up and don't expect the system to give you any breaks. If it does, great! But never rest thinking the system will make things right. Only your hard work, determination, and a little luck will help you get what's right for your daughter, in spite of the system.