Help please...

[hisliltulip]

I am running into some problems with my son's Father and am unsure of how to proceed.

Per our decree, I have sole physical and we share joint legal custody of DS (6).  Visitation is set forth as four weekends a year, with an additional weekend between November 1 and Dec 31, and a week during the summer.  All visitation is to be supervised by Ex's Father or by someone that we agree upon.  He is also to provide me with blood test results within three days of any visitation showing me that he is taking his medication for bi-polar.

Since moving to the state he was living in, he and I agreed to visitation one weekend a month and more time as agreed.  Continuing with the blood tests and supervision by either his Father, Brother, or Brother-In-Law.

To abridge what has been going on as much as possible...

Last year at about this time Ex was hospitalized for not taking his medication.  It was a lot of in and out of the hospital and half-way houses from the middle of November until the middle of January.

In August of this year he snuck DS to his home (unsupervised) and told DS to not tell me he had been there.  DS slipped up and accidentally let me know.  Prior to this visit, Ex's blood test came in a little high, but his Doctor's office said that DS should be fine.  Since that fiasco, I have been told by the Doctor's office that they think that Ex had stopped taking his meds, then doubled up the day of the test so that he could see DS.

Since that visit Ex has refused to provide me with blood test results and has refused to see DS unless I approve dispensement of the blood tests and supervised visitation.  I have not agreed to do so.

In September Ex's Mother and Sister contacted me and said that they wanted to see DS.  I allowed them to take DS for the weekend of October 1-3.  Ex caught wind of this and arrived on his sister's doorstep.  I found out Sunday the 3rd, when Ex refused to have his Mother or sister meet me so I could pick up DS.  Long story short, his brother-in-law physically removed Ex from their home and I drove 2 hours to their home to pick DS up.

Since that time, Ex is still yet to see DS, but calls to harrass me every couple of weeks.  These phone calls are not productive in any way.  Basically it is him swearing at me and calling me every name in the book.

Now, here's the point...

Per the order, we are to share major decisions, due to the joint legal custody.

DS has been having some difficulty in school and I signed the permission slip for him to start Title One.  Around the end of October, DS confided to me some things that his Dad had put in his head, so I signed DS up to see a social worker at school also.  

I did both of these things without discussion with Ex.  Thinking back, is this something that could jump up and bite me in the rear?

[Kitty C.]

I really don't think so.  Title One is just additional one-on-one help with a specific subject and NOT a major negotiation point.  DS was put in Title One math and I was notified after the fact, which was no big deal to me.  His teachers felt he needed it and I trusted their judgement.  I agreed to the child study meeting and went to it before I informed DS's dad what was going on.  I wanted to know what we were up against before I let him know, so I had more info to give him.

As for the social worker at school, it's a little more in depth than a guidance counselor.  What I would do is write him a letter letting him know what's been going on and why you're doing what you're doing.  If what you're doing was based on recommendations made by other school staff make DAMN sure you mention that in your letter and name names if you can.  It tells him that you did NOT do this on a whim of your own, but it was a collaberation between you and school officials.

But if you do inform him, do it ONLY by letter.  If you think he won't read it, send it certified, RRR.  That way YOU have proof that he got it and he can't come back at you for not telling him.  It's obvious that talking to him about this on the phone will not be constructive, but I do feel he should be informed.  As for making a joint decision on this (and it sounds llike you have allies in his family), his recent irratic behavior is proof enough to his ability to make a rational decision about this.

[backwardsbike]

Hi!  I applaud you for your diligence with the ex.  Bi Ploar is a cruel disease.    

As far as the legal decision you have made for your child : if I were you I would send a certified letter telling ex what I had signed DS up for then offer to meet with him in mediation if he has any disagreements or concerns.  Kudos to you for doing so well sharing that legal custody.

Please take some precaution to protect yourself and your son fromthe harrassing phone calls.  Raising children is hard enough without harrassment from others.  Please take good care of yourself and DS.  You seem very sensible and I know that will help you walk that fine line between promoting a relationship between your ex and DS and keeping him safe and healthy.

My DH is bi ploar.  Email me if you ever want to compare notes.  Those of us touched by any form of mental illness need all the support we can get.

[hisliltulip]

Kitty,
Thanks for your reply.  Ex is in the process of moving and refuses to give me his new address.

If I send it certified, will it get forwarded?  Or sent back to me?

[hisliltulip]

"Please take some precaution to protect yourself and your son fromthe harrassing phone calls. Raising children is hard enough without harrassment from others. Please take good care of yourself and DS."

Since the incident at the beginning of October, ex has only asked to speak with DS 3 times.  The first two were at 9:30 at night or later, so DS was in bed and unable to come to the phone.  The third was just last week and I declined to let him speak with him.  I told ex that he could start telephone contact after he starts seeing DS again, but if he is going to walk out and not see DS, then there is no reason for him to call and mess with the child's head.  This is the first time I have ever refused telephone contact, and I hated doing it, but he had been telling DS some pretty outrageous lies that have really affected DS.

DS is my #1 priority, which is the ONLY reason why I have pushed ex so hard to keep a decent relationship with him.  But the relationship needs to be kept as safe and healthy as possible.  Which is why I will not bend on the bloodtests or supervision.  

I would bend on the supervision if the bloodtest could track both medications, but unfortunetly it only tracks the mood stabilizer.  There is no way to track the medication for the psychotic thoughts.

Every bi-polar person is different, and many times it is hard for me to figure out when ex's bi-polar is affecting his judgement or if it is plain immaturity and selfishness.

I have been praying for the last two months that God reveal to Ex just what he is doing.  That walking out on DS to get back at me, makes no sense.  I can go through the rest of my life just fine without talking to him ever again.  But DS is hurting.  He wants his Dad.  Ex just doesn't get it.  

He has so much anger at me that he loses focus on what is important.  Our son.

Taking care of me?  Well...  I do the best I can.  He still can stress me out so much and knows all of my buttons still.  I try not to let it get to me, but...  it does.

I am fortunate to have a loving Husband to help me through it.

And...  caller id helps a lot some nights too.

[Kitty C.]

I thnk you can ask for forwarding service or notification of forwarding address.  Just talk to you local P.O.

[hisliltulip]

Ok thanks!

[backwardsbike]

Hang in there.  I know it is tough.  You sound very knowledgeable about the disorder and the meds and that is great.  I cannot imagine a judge even considering contempt against you for not allowing ex to speak to DS by phone that last time.   You are only doing what you can to protect  DS.

You are right about not being able to tell if the disorder is affecting ex's judgement or if its just the immaturity.  Just because he carries a diagnosis does not mean he doen't have a personality.  Sometimes people loose sight of that.  Some people are just mean spiritred and vindictive-- diagnosis not withstanding.

I thinky you are right on target.  Keep up the good work and give DS plenty of TLC.  He needs to know that daddy loved him but sometimes isn't quite able to show him and to give him what he needs but that you and your hubby are there and always will be.  And he also needs to have reinforced to him that it is not his fault.  Kids think everything is their fault.  When he is older you can see that he learns about the disorder.  Mental illness is a family issue.  It affects everyone in the family.

Good luck to you and yours

[hisliltulip]

When DS is older I plan on making sure that he is aware of what exactly his Dad has.

According to Doctor ex was seeing when we were married, there is a slim chance that DS will get it, but HIS children could, as it seems to skip generations on his Dad's side.

Ex's family was so totally in the dark and some of them continue to be.  I want DS educated so that it doesn't scare him more than necessary, and I also don't want him to dismiss the severity of his Dad's illness either.

But at the age of 6...  There is very little I have told him, he just wouldn't understand.


Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.