Need advice in Phoenix

[Brent]

>I think that's a good idea, getting a custody eval.  I don't
>think he'd ever get 50/50 that way, particularly when the kids
>say that he often calls them stupid assholes.

I agree- it's a stupid, uncaring, asinine thing to do, but is this what the custody arrangement should be decided on? Come on, get real. Should parents lose their kids because of this?? A bit of an overreaction, wouldn't you say? This is like arresting 10 year old kids for drawing violent pictures, which is now the norm. Utter lunacy, in my opinion. Have some sense of proportion.

[Genie]

mental abuse should be thought about when deciding custody etc.  Now I don't know how often he has called them this or if that is just a couple of choice lines in the list of many but that shouldn't be said to your children at all.  They have a problem that they can't help and they shouldn't have Dad ramming it down their throat all the time.  It is a very big self esteem buster.

Case in point, my DH is a major asshole who thinks it is OK to say stuff like this all the time. We have a daughter with Down Syndrome and he doesn't hesitate to call her retarded, or a retard or tell me how she is retarded so she won't amount to anything and he is not going to be the one to take care of her for the rest of her life.  She is 4 yrs old and doesn't even know what retarded means but there is no way I am going to have her grow up hearing this when she does know what it means. He harps on how she will get made fun of when she is older and people will say mean things to her and she will be stupid. Etc.  Nice and how is is going to be when she has to hear it from her peers then come home and hear it from her Dad too.  No Way in Hell is that going to happen.

Believe me that will be brought up when I divorce him soon.

So do you think that too is acceptable behavior and he shouldn't be "denied" his rights as a parent b/c of it?

Sorry to sound a little harsh and defensive but sometimes it just isn't cut and dry. Would I want to cut him out of her life as a Dad and parent? No but I do want to make sure he doesn't damage her in anyway.  You want your children to be confident productive people. Being treated like that will produce the opposite.

[Brent]

>mental abuse should be thought about when deciding custody
>etc.  

I agree, no argument there.



>that shouldn't be said to your children at all.  They have a
>problem that they can't help and they shouldn't have Dad
>ramming it down their throat all the time.  It is a very big
>self esteem buster.

I agree, but unless it's really extreme, is this enough of a reason to lose custody or be denied your children?



>So do you think that too is acceptable behavior and he
>shouldn't be "denied" his rights as a parent b/c of it?

See above. I don't condone this sort of thing at all, but I also believe that the parent-child is very, very important and should be given every opportunity and chance, within reasonable limits.


>
>Sorry to sound a little harsh and defensive but sometimes it
>just isn't cut and dry.

Never said it was, in fact I said more or less just the opposite.


>Would I want to cut him out of her
>life as a Dad and parent? No but I do want to make sure he
>doesn't damage her in anyway.

Again, no argument from me, but you also have to keep the long-term in mind. And sometimes there are no good answers, as the admin is fond of saying. Sometimes all you get to pick from are bad choices. Pick the best bad choice you can. :)

[Rave]

I bet a lot varied depending on the custodial evaluator and how impartial they are.   I mean, if I were a custodial evaluator in your situatuion, I can't imagine putting your daughter with him 50% of the time.  How horrible.  But how would you be able to prove that he says that stuff?  If you could prove it, perhaps he would be ordered to attend some parenting classes before given as much visitation.

I just can't believe people call their kids names like this.  I know many people do worse, like knock the hell out of their kids.  But I've also read about how emotional abuse can actually be worse than the physical abuse.  If my friend's husband gets 50% custody, I guarantee the older son who is now 12 or 13, will be rebelling against his father big time in a few more years.  He already avoids his father.  Hell, who wouldn't?  

So, while custody may wind up being 50/50 in my friend's case, I don't think it would stay that way for long.  

Good luck to you.  How horrible that your child has to hear your husband be so cruel.  Can't imagine that you'd ever feel comfortable with him having visitation with your daughter.  

[Genie]

it conflicts me alot.  Being a step parent I know the issues from the other side too and did fight long and hard to keep the SKs in our lives on a regular basis until I started seeing him in a real light and stopped fighting his battles for him. Showed me that he didn't care too much b/c he stopped fighting for them too.

My DD does love her Dad and I wouldn't want to take him from her. But I do have to protect her too.  Thankfully I have a list of other things that are not in his favor (i.e. extreme alcoholism) that would deter him from having 50/50 custody and I would have a good case for supervised as well.  I also know DH has no money for an attorney (since he doesn't think he needs to work) so he wouldn't even be able to fight anything much. He basically signed whatever he was given on his previous divorce and would most likely do so again.

I know most people here are NCPs but this is a Custody board and things need to be looked at on a case by case basis and answer as per the law not their emotions. I bet if most hear had ex wives that treated their children as your friend's husband and mine do, they wouldn't be wanting ex wife to have custody either.

[joni]

You should probably visit the web site, //www.singlemomz.com.   You'll hear the advice that you want on that board.

Have a nice weekend.

[Rave]

A shame that you have so much baggage.  Was hoping for some impartialiality.  

[wendl]

I don't think we should be discouraging people here.

Each case is different, if this father is not so good, then a parenting evaluation on both parents should be done, both parents should attend a parenting class.

I know my ex wasn't the greatest dad for many many years, drugs, drinking etc and went 2yrs without seeing our son. Now that we have moved he is realising how much he has missed in our son and is now trying to mend the relationship between both of them, he is now clean and has contact with our son.

I think this man may need a wake up call, and he will not get out of paying child support, it just doesn't work that way.

Your friend needs to get an attorney, who is family law board certified, make sure not to just pick one, go see them in action prior to hiring an attorney.

Document everything, good and bad, people change during a divorce, some for the better others for th worse.

Each parent needs to do what they feel is right for the safety and well being of their chidlren.

Even if your friends ex and her get 50/50 who is to say he will actually take the kids??? If your friend is worried about when the kids are with dad, then have the local police to a wellfare child check while the kids are in dads care.

If this man has a drinking/drug problem or is emotionally or physically abusive towards his kids, then hopefully the courts will order him to get help, but even if he gets help, most of the time it will not work unless that person admits to having the problem.

For legal questions, you can post to Soc just make sure to use his posting guidelines.


**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**