This is all new to me....need some advice

[tclouser]

I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a three year old son.  His ex moved out when his son was 6 months old, they had been split up prior to that she was just using him for a place to stay. (they were never married)  We have been together over two years now and are trying to get things right.  He has paid her whatever money she has asked for and has bent over backwards to help her out, but it is a one way street.  He finally put his foot down to her taking time away from us with his son and now she has filed for support through the court.  Prior to her filing we had told her we wanted to get what we had in writing, and she agreed.  Now she is saying that she won' t agree to anything but primary custody, and we want shared custody.  We have Jayden (his son) every Friday thru Sunday and every other Thursday.  We would like more time with him but she will not allow us to.  John has tried to keep a journal of things that have happened but we only have about a years worth.  He tried very hard to keep his family together and it took him a long time to realize that she was only out for herself.  He goes to domestic relations on the 24th and we have a mediation set up for next month.  I have been trying to find info on shared parenting but I don't feel I have found enough.  I would like some advice on how to prepare for all of this and what we need to do to convince the courts that it's in Jayden's best interest to have equal amount of time with both parents.  Somethings you read say courts are more for shared custody now and some say they aren't.  We are terrified to loose anytime that we have with him and need shared custody to prevent that.   

[Kitty C.]

He may only have a year's worth of documentation, but if he can prove how much time he's already spent this past year with his son, then what he needs to ask for is to 'maintain status quo', meaning it's been this way for the past year and he should be able to keep that and hopefully increase it.  Press that issue very hard, so that the only way the BM can change it is to have solid proof that he has abused the child, which is impossible.

From here on out, he should not give her any more money until it is court ordered.  Certainly save that amount but, court order or no cort order, anything he gives her of his own free will is considered a 'gift', and will not be accounted towards child support.  But don't get a CS order without determining custody.  And if the distance between parents is minimal (especially both being in the same school district or close to that) hhtere's no reason why a 50/50 physical custody split isn't possible.  Problem is, the only way a 50/50 split will work well is ONLY if both parents make it work, which means you both have to be able to communicate with each other, put your differences aside for the sake of the child. 

Get an atty., check out some of the parenting plans listed on this site, read on these forums diligently, and keep the interests of the child first and foremost.  Don't agree to anything, even if she's willing to do it in writing, unless it's court ordered.  Many separated parents have disobeyed custody orders with impunity and often, judges will only slap that parent's hands when taken to court for contempt.  But having a court order for custody at least gives you some leverage and a 'rule book' to go by.

[MothersGetARawDealToo]

In California you will definitely get 50/50!  Why doesn't your man pursue getting a court ordered custody schedule?  She could run off with him tomorrow and there is nothing he can do without a court order

[Kitty C.]

Be VERY careful about absolutes, especially when you're talking about the whims of the courts.  As the saying goes 'It ain't over till the fat lady sings' and there is NO way of knowing if the father in this situation would get 50/50 until the judge signs it in an order.

[MothersGetARawDealToo]

You are right KittyC.  To the OP, if your man happens to be in California, then his chance is sooooo good!  Regardless, not having a court ordered cutody or visitation is dangerous

[tclouser]

Havent been on in a while and just read the responces.  He filed for a custody order and has mediation set up for Dec 18.  I've heard the status quo thing before but after just going through the support conference I am concerned!!  We are 2 nights shy in a 14 day period of having 50%, that's only 4 nights shy a month.  We give him back at 8pm on Sundays at the BM's request, so we miss 50/50 by 4 hours for the extra over night.( only for the fact that the BM won't allow us more time.)

Domestic relations could care less how much we have the child, they are just about giving her money.  I understand that the child needs supported but they have made it next to impossible for us to afford to pay her and still have him as much as we do or more.  I have been told that the custody part will be much different then the support part.  I can only pray that it is.  She agreed on a lesser amount but am affraid that if she doesn't get her way she will take us back for the full amount, which will criple us.  I just wish these things weren't about money, it really takes away what is best for the child.  We would be more than willing to take custody of Jay and not ask her for a dime, but that will never happen. 

She has a daughter from a previous relationship, the dad is a true "dead beat" dad.  Doesn't ever see his daughter and tends to fall off the face of the earth every so often so he doesn't have to pay support for the time being.  Another thing not in our favor is last April she moved about an hour away and into a different school district.  So now we can only hope that we can get as much time possible before he goes to school.  Once he is in school we won't be able to keep him during the week.  She treats my fiance like it is his duty to cater to her needs, and her daughter is used in every excuse she has.  We drive twice as far to get J, and meet her when ever and where ever she chooses. 

The time he refused to give J back earlier then scheduled because she didn't want to drive around all day is when the next day she filed for support.  I understand the support but I don't understand how they expect father's to be able to afford the child when they do have them.  So far he has been treated like a paycheck, not a father.  I don't know what else to do to ensure that we get rights to this child.  We have a call into our attorney, can only hope he has good news for us.  If anyone has advice for us to prepare for the custody mediation please share!!!!  We are affraid that we will loose this child!