Gave custody to dad Jan 31...now he isn't letting me talk to them.

[moomoonyc]

  I must admit.
MY ex and I both agreed it would be in the children's best interest to move with him.
After all. I had raised them for 15 years practically alone and with nofamily here in NY. Then a series of unfortunate events led us to anagreement that the children should move with him since he has hismother's support & more family support.
And the children...they really wanted to experience living with theirdad, however felt guilty to leave me...so I let them go with myblessing.
He agreed in court that he would work out visitation with me and that may have been one of many mistakes.
Should of set visitation & other things.
I admit, I became very distant and didn't call as often when callswouldn't be returned & he wasn't giving messages to the childrenthat I had called.
Then he wasn't sending medical information for one of our daughters who has developed juvenile rhumatoid arthritis.
then he just stopped answering my calls when I began to call more frequently again.
He took me to court recently for child support. I don't have a problemwith that. What I do have a problem with is that he didn't pay childsupport for 2 of our 4 children for 10 years. and now you want me topay. I will be sending him payments even though the court has said Idon't need to send anything as of now.
Excuse me for the rambling, but I need to vent.
Because I distanced myself for a short time to deal with my depression and separation from them I'm paying for it now.
I admit, I haven't been doing a great job with being a long distanceparent and want to change that. I have apologized to their father andhis fiance and told them I want to make amends to try to do better.
I have tried texting them, calling them, I have gotten negativefeedback from dad stating...you said you would be there...why do weneed now, go on and live your life.
So...I'm going back to court. I called lawyer this morning and shereplied and let me know to file a petition and serve him in Florida andshe is pretty sure the courts will appoint her again.
Just really needed to vent. Thank you.
I have no idea how to set up an effective parenting plan for longdistance. I've googled it and I've read some suggestions, however I'dlike to present my lawyer with something to propose. Any suggestions?Or books any one can suggest?

[olanna]

I don't think you need any books on how to parent a child long distance. How do you nuture any relationship that is long distance? Lots of phone calls, emails, hand written letters, special little gifts, etc....Visits in person are a marvelous thing to do, as well.

I would encourage you to start doing ALL the things listed above TODAY.  The more contact you have, the more likely your children are to speak with you...you may get some negative responses, but don't be too discouraged.  Your kids are hurt...help them through the hurt with love, kindness and caring.

[tigger]

First, anything you send will be considered a gift by the courts and CS will most likely be awarded retro to when he petitioned the court for it.  Take the amount you would send and place it in a trust or savings account so it's available if and when the courts order it. 

Secondly, don't let his comments discourage you.  We all make mistakes as parents.  Keep your focus on the kids.

Are your intentions to establish visitation or to regain custody?  If the former, make that clear to your ex.  He could be reacting from a position of thinking you want custody again and is trying to block that.  If it's the latter, you will need to prove a significant change of circumstances from when you gave up custody in the first place. 

[olanna]

Great advice, tigger.  I overlooked the money she was sending.  She will NOT get credit for sending that money.  Best she puts it away into a trust, as you suggested so when the day comes, she won't be in arrears. Also, she might want to let her ex know she is just trying to establish a relationship with her children and will address anything more later on. Courts will go on her effort and the existing relationship.  Just saying you want more visitation or custody won't work...you have to prove there is a relationship there to beging with.

[MothersGetARawDealToo]

You raised the kids for 15 years?  Why aren't they demanding to be allowed to talk to you?  That is strange!  Try every single day to communicate with them, try to call, write a letter every day.  If you are not able to remind your kids of how much you love them, then you should show up there unannounced at their school or something, so that you can explain to your kids that you love them and the efforts you have been making so that they know you care and love them.  He may be telling them that you aren't calling and you don't lcare about them.  Prove to them you are making the effort.  If they were with you for 15 years I am surprised they would believe this though.  I'm glad you got an attorney, telephone contact should be mandatory and uninterfered with by your ex!  Doesn't he remember how hard it was for him to be apart from the kids?  Why is he denying contact to you?  That is horrible - I am so sorry! 

If you can prove he owed you back support and that you didn't receive it, maybe that can be a bargaining chip in your support hearing.  Good luck

[moomoonyc]

HI all...thanks so much for the responses.
It's been very encouraging.
I'vebeen in contact with the oldest, she is 15, she has a pay as you gocell and can only text me, but we text every day now. I have been incontact with her and she knows I cannot call her dad's phone anymore.
I try not to speak to her about it unless she brings it up.
I tell her to pass messages to her brother and sisters that I love them and will speak to them soon.
Itold her yesterday I'm going to be sending a phone this week. Insteadof putting more money into a pay as you go, which will cost me more,I'm adding a line to my plan with unlimited minutes.
I was going to write checks or send money orders so I can keep a record of what I send.
ButI have a question...instead...now I've looked at the suggestions,should i set up a savings accounts for them and deposit money in there?
It's very hard to see how fast he forgot what kind of absent parent he was.
How often he didn't call for holidays.
How he never wrote them.
How he wouldn't send anything and say he would.
How he would tell the children that I was the reason he wasn't there.
Butstill, he was disneyland dad...when he was around he would shower themwith shopping, going out to eat, and they had things that we didn'thave at home...flat screen tvs...video games...etc.
So in the end,they wanted to go live with him. And their behavior was so erratic& it was causing their younger brother & sister to be affected,and their dad is not the same dad.
So I made a choice to let them gobecause I felt it was so much unnecessary friction. They had stoppedbeing kids having fun and they had taken on an agenda because him &his family coached my children. And I have court papers that state thatwas the case.
And now I feel so stupid.
I am once again the person who sees the better in people. He was being so nice.
Itried to tell him to please remove the names from the petition of thechildren he didn't pay child support for and I got no response.
So at the hearing I asked to adjourn so I could get representation.
Iwill go get consult and when I go back to court Dec.9th I will takewhatever they give me but I will also bring it to their attention.

[moomoonyc]

Andregards to the comment on doing whatever I can now...yes, you areright. Today I am sending a care package to them, including an "I"msorry" card that will be to all of them. And from now on I'll writemore often.
I thank you again everyone.
This has been aprocess. I had detached myself because I found myself crying so much.And I know that wasn't the way to deal with it. I know that I"m theoutsider now. But I will do what I must to show my children I love them& never stop thinking about them.
I"m glad I found this site. I get alot of mixed responses from people when they hear some of my children have gone to live with their dad.
I did it for 15 years. Ihad to convince myself to let go of control, hardest part, & thathe is their father and has a right to be a part of raising them aswell. It's just backfired. But I know the angry route isn't the answer,I cannot change who he is. I can only change what I do.  just sucks.
He is denying me contact because I didn't call as often as I said I would. I didn't call for like a month. And I had sent him copies of their social security cards and birth certificates because the originals were misplaced by a family member. So he asked me to go get the originals, and I didn't do it. I guess I felt that was something he could do himself. I will go do it anyways since I need the originals for my records. You see, I was dealing with that with bitterness and negativity.
I don't want to be the bitter angry absent parent.
Change starts from within right...

[Ref]

DH is a long distance non-custodial. When he went to court to get a visitation plan, they came up with something like this:

For even years, DH will have MLK, jr day, Thanksgiving and Spring break
For odd years , DH will have Easter, XX Holiday, and Fall break

(Basically they took all holidays on SD's school schedule and alternated odd and even years)

Winter break will be split in half where DH will have the first half in even years and the second half in odd years.

DH has the right to have visitation any weekend he chooses so long as he travels to BM's state and gives 7 days notice.

DH has all summer but the first two weeks and the last one week.

Both parents have the right to contact the child between the hours of 9am and 9pm once a day. If a message is missed, the receiving parent must have the child return the call with in 24hours. The child may initiate contact with the nonresidential parent at any time.

Transportation costs. DH is responsible for all transportation costs. (He had some of them deducted from his child support obligation) DH will be the parent to book all transportation. Flights are not to be the last flight in the evening and the unaccompanied minor fee, when applicable, shall be split between both parents.

It was a pretty comprehensive parenting plan. DH's jurisdiction is Florida. His ex lives in Escambia County. If you need a good lawyer and your jurisdiction is near there, send me a PM. DH's lawyer was great.

Take care,
Ref

[moomoonyc]

Wow, thanks Ref.

This is helpful, really.

I'm in Manhattan.

Dad is in Deltona, FL.

Question, can I request to be kept involved in medical and school? i.e. report cards, medical care updates...

Can school send me copies of report cards if dad won't do it or can I contact them to request?

Can I know where the kids are being taken for medical care & how can i know how they are doing? ( One of our daughers has developed juvenile Rhumatoid Arthritis & I asked dad for diagnosis and to know where & what kind of medical treatment she is receiving and he is denying me that information.

I want to be a part of that process & the choices that are made for her care.

Any ideas? Do I ask my lawyer to help create or should i propose anything?
I'll write down what you've suggested.