Mother asks for Custody & $ after 4 years away .... Give to her or NOT? You tell me..

[GY Leong]

Hi
 I am a father for a 7 year old girl. Wife left us when daughter at 2. With evident, she prefered to live a Single's life style.  She sent me via her lawyer to give me custody of the child at the time she left me which I wrote back to accept. Then no news from her totally and she called about a year later to see the child, which I always let her.  I allowed her to overnight in daughter's room. I live together with my parents. March 2005, my wife taking me to court and ask for custody and monthly maintenance.
I have been a motherly father and never had any affair with woman since wife left. I adjusted my working life to suit my daughter. Such as to have more time with her, including to park or swim even during office hour.  I go through her studies in the evening, play dolls and the usual games for girls, bedtime story, I bath her, and cut her nail and hair since baby.

I only apent 2 overnight away from home in 2 urgent business trips since my wife left in year 2000. All other trips with my daughter, holiday and business, which I always arrange with my parents together, so that they helped to care fo rhte child while I excuse myself for meeting. I hardly have business entertainment.  

I can say that I knew A to Z in handling a child not inferior to a good mother. I let her attend ballet, music and singing classes, which I drive her personally most of the time. And certianly my parents played important role in taking the care too.

Can somone tell me if me or my wife should be given the custody???? Thanks for taking time to read and feedback.. Please leave your name and contact if you do not mind. ([email protected])

[wendl]

Well you need to document everything and get your things in order. You need to prove you have been the primary parent all this time.

The burden of proof is on you to show that you are the parent most willing to facilitate the child having a relationship with the other parent.

In family court anything can happen so be prepared.

Get a good board certified family law attorney.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[rm1759]

It's doubtful she could get custody, unless there's something else you're not telling us.  Have you filed the original custody arrangement with the court?  Have you opened a support case yet?  She should be paying you child support.  

Definitely get a good attorney, get a support, custody and visitation (for her) order.

[joni]

The fact that you live with your parents and they help care for her for so many years is also in your favor.  It's a good family environment.  Also, your child's community is very strong..the dance, singing, all the activities.

To find yourself a good certified family law attorney, go to this site:

//www.aaml.org/directory.htm

Good Luck.

[Kitty C.]

Her first, and probably ONLY, hurdle she will have to cross will be to prove a 'significant change of circumstance'.  Her just wanting custody back isn't one of them.  Whatever change of circumstance she uses must be directly related to the child.

Get a good atty. and if she has already filed for modification, make sure your atty. responds with proof that she is not and cannot meet the criteria for a significant change, thus her petition is frivilous and without basis.  Then ask for HER to pay the court costs and your atty.'s fees as well, for wasting the time of the court, your atty., and yourself.

[ecp]

I cannot believe you would even ask that...she should have visitation but that is it. Do not let her get custody...she hasn't been the one there all these years. She has to prove why custody should be changed not you. Get all your ducks in a row to prove you have done all you say for all these years and get a good lawyer.

Good luck and don't give up.

[GY Leong]

Thank you and the rest giving advises.  Your questions on
"filed the original custody arrangement with the court? Have you opened a support case yet" were not known to me.
But I was told I was late, should have done it when wife left and gave me custody letter in 2001.  Now she has taken court action against me for custody.  I am slow and took thing for granted for these years.  I feel sorry for my child for not acting early. Thanks a again for your time and feedback. (GY Leong)

[GY Leong]

Thanks for your encouragement and also from the others.  I will do waht I can to save my child. Certainly I have never denied access for my wife to see the child.  Once she was with a man shopping, my child and myself approached her and was verbally abused by her in the shopping mall.  She left without looking back at our child.  I don't believe any mother can do that.... who believe me????? Life is just terrible. Thanks a again for taking your time to advise me. (gy leong)
   

[GY Leong]

Thanks for your response.  I am from an Asia country!  I wish I am in USA as I have more rights...

[YahYah]

Do you have custody of the child, LEGALLY, right now?  You said she gave you custody, but did you both sign legal papers attesting to the fact that you are the custodial parent?

Does she have a visitation order?

How active has she been in the child's life?  It doesn't sound like she's been that active at all!

I would say the answer to her would be "what are you? High? NO you can't have custody!" gee wizz.

No, don't agree to custody unless it's in the best interests of your child.  I would say that she sounds very undependable, self-centered, and irresponsible, just from her past actions alone.  I would also say that if this woman had custody, with her past behaviors, I would fear for your visitation rights.  Meaning, I would fear she would not take them as seriously as they need to be taken, ESPECIALLY since this child has been residing with you, solely, for almost all of her life.  To send her to live with her mother would be... a HUGE life change for her.  I would NOT recommend it unless she's had frequent and intense "custody" time with her mother.

Again, I would say "NO" based on:

1.  Mother's parental abandonment

2.  Mother's lack of involvement in child's life over the past 5 years

3.  Mother's lack of financial assistance in child's welfare/well being

4.  Mother's unstable living arrangements (moving, etc...)

5.  Daughter's stable life with father has been such for the past 5 years

6.  Change of custody would be traumatic to daughter, at this age.

7.  Daughter has strained relationship with mother, having only seen mother "infrequently" in the past 5 years

8.  Mother has shown no desire, or ability, to provide for child as a custodial, or non-custodial parent, over the last 5 years


Just to name a few good examples of why "NO" should be the answer.