In relation to new spouse

[triedpatience]

I am having problems vistation with my 4 year old son. I am remarried and my ex-wife does not believe he should be left alone with her for even the amount of time it takes to have a shower. There is no issue of abuse but my ex says she is 'not authorized' to help parent the child and discipline him.

She is also very intrusive into my life asking what for instance he had for lunch and did during the day and then berating me very rudely about it and telling me exactly what he can and can't do. It adds a lot of stress into the situation

I have joint custody with her but she says that she is the mother and she spends most of the time with him so she decides.

Any insight would be very helpfull, thanks.

[Waylon]

I am having problems vistation with my 4 year old son. I am remarried and my ex-wife does not believe he should be left alone with her for even the amount of time it takes to have a shower. There is no issue of abuse but my ex says she is 'not authorized' to help parent the child and discipline him.

Your new wife is "authorized" by default. Actually she doesn't need any "authorization", you are allowing it and you have that right. Your ex has no right to tell you who can and can't care for the child while you take a shower (or do anything else, for that matter).

She is also very intrusive into my life asking what for instance he had for lunch and did during the day and then berating me very rudely about it and telling me exactly what he can and can't do. It adds a lot of stress into the situation

Stop sharing these details with her. You don't have to and if she's using them to cause trouble there's no reason to continue to help her make trouble.

I have joint custody with her but she says that she is the mother and she spends most of the time with him so she decides.

She's wrong. Period, end of story. If she doesn't like it she can go back to court, where they'll laugh at her and tell her to stop being an ass.

[Kitty C.]

Waylon is absolutely right.....only the court or judge can tell you what you can or cannot do with your time with your child.  Don't oblige her with any information.  Because the only way she'd know is if you tell her.  Even if she DEMANDS that your wife not 'supervise', how would she know your wife did unless you told her?  If she blows a gasket, tell her she has about as much authority to dictate what goes on in your home as you do in hers.  That hopefully will at least make her think....might not shut her up, tho!

I just want to give you an example of the 'lack of control' an ex can truly have and what we did to counter the control she 'thought' she had.  SS is currently 15.  The BM has always been anal retentive, even to the point that when SS and his half brother were in daycare as infants and toddlers, she forced the caregivers to journal about EVERYTHING they did for the boys, including when diapers were changed and how much.  I'm not joking!  I found this out from one of her past providers because she said she had to weigh the diapers!  Every time SS was with us, she sent a list of every single item in his bag, checked it off when he left and checked it off again when he returned.  You see, BM parented 'by the book' (Spock and parenting mags)...if it was written in there, it was gold to her.  I've never seen her parent by instinct.

Most of the time we let the BS go in one ear and out the other.  Until one weekend when SS was 6-7 and we went camping.  Apparently SS had had some minor constipation and she sent 'instructions' with OTC meds, including documenting when he ate, what he ate, and when he took the meds.  That's where I drew the line!  I'm a volunteer EMT and I carry a personal 'jump bag' with me when we go camping (more for insurance because if I have it, nothing happens, LOL!).  So I figured if she wanted to be that anal about it, I could do her one better!  I not only ducumented everything she asked for, I took SS's vitals 4 times a day AND asked SS to tell me what he did when he went to the bathroom!  At first DH thought I went too far, but nothing I did was intrusive, at least not anymore than what she was asking for.  Nor was it illegal...she knew I was certified.

When DH dropped SS off at BM's, she started to spout her usual diatribe about whether he took care of SS the way SHE asked.  He didn't say a word and just handed her what I'd written down....she stopped in mid-sentence.  For the first time, she was speechless!  And from then on, she never sent any lists or instructions again.  Even if he was prescribed anything, she let the label do the talking.  If DH had any questions, he'd ask.

That's the way I have found to deal with people who are anal-retentive and desperately grasping to hold on to control.  Give them more than they ask for.  It's totally unexpected, it's slightly overkill, but it's also a 'mirror' for them to 'see' themselves through someone else's eyes.  I've even used this as a disciplinary tool with DS and SS.  When they were bickering about one staring at the other (in that 5-10 y.o. age range, you know!), I made them sit on the floor in front of me staring at each other and I made sure they stayed on task.  It only took a half hour to stop that for good!  A few years later, SS had developed a habit of putting the neck of his t-shirt in his mouth, which drove DH nuts.  One day, I made SS keep it in his mouth, till the shirt was soaked half way down the front.  He never did it again after that.

[MixedBag]

I remember that!  Geez, we've been here a long time!

Back to the original post -- sometimes it's a matter of drawing boundaries and you gotta draw a line.  These folks are right....she's asking for too much information that isn't REQUIRED to be shared.

[BecauseIJustDid]

SS's BM kept demanding to know what DH and I fed SS during visitations so we found ourselves telling BM to feed SS anything other than soy and fast food. She backed off as soon as CPS told her that we don't feed the kids fast food and make our own bread, candy, ice-cream and anything the kids might need.

She tried to tell the judge that our kids were sick all the time and DH told the judge the real story. She's stuck her head in the sand about food ever since.

I didn't try to be supermom, just happened. Cheaper to make my own bread when I am feeding 4 kids.

[gemini3]

The other posters are right - your ex has no business asking you about what you're doing in your house during your parenting time.  Your new wife has every right to be with your child - in fact, most courts will encourage it because bonding helps the child adjust to their new family. 

My husbands ex did the same thing with me.  I wasn't "allowed" to pick them up, spend time with them while he was at work, etc.  We would get weekly e-mails after exchanges where she would list all of the things my husband had done wrong, and how seriously damaged the kids were going to be because of it.  There would be text messages, phone calls, e-mails.  It was exhausting.

Finally, thanks to the good advice of some people on this board, we just started ignoring her.  Of course she blew up.  At first we argued back and forth endlessly - and then I finally stumbled across something that is like magic when dealing with a highly confrontational ex.  It's called "low/no contact" - which I found here:

http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/appropriate-means-of-contact-with-high-conflict-personalities/

We started using it in April '08.  At first it made things worse because she escalated trying to see if she could get a reaction.  Eventually things calmed down, and we are down to about 3-4 phone calls/e-mails per month - and unless it meets the guidelines, she gets no response.

So don't even bother arguing with her.  She's just trying to keep you engaged.  Try the low/no contact.

Good luck!