Legal Help on Custody with Borderline Personality Disorder Wife

[srqdad]

Hello,

I have a unique situation and making the story short...I married a woman in March 2008 and separated from her in May 2008 because her disposition changed 180 degrees.  It was like a light switch flipped and the person I knew and married, didn't exist anymore.  After leaving, I was approached by her ex-husband and others with the belief that she suffers from Borderline / Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  I've been studying these disorders and speaking with professionals on the topics and believe that she does suffer from the illness.  You have to be knowledgable on the disorder to understand it...in short, the BPD can not be wrong.   The blame is always projected on the other parties.  So, she believes nothing is wrong and refuses to go to counseling nor psychologists/psychiatrists for help.  I've been very brief and with that said, my question pertains to child custody.  Two weeks after I left the home, she tells me she's pregnant which will ultimately be determined by paternity testing.   BPD's usually have issues with faithfulness and that also holds true in my case.   I need resources for help in preparing for a possible custody battle for the child (due date 2/2/09).  Once the child is born and I verify the child is mine, I can not let this child be raised by this BPD.  All the information I find states explicitly that children raised in that type of environment grow up perpetuating the illness (learned behavior).  Again, I've been very, very brief with the info because there is so much.  I would appreciate any help to direct me to resouces to help me fight for the safety and protection of this child.

Thank you for your help.
Jeff

[*iLUVmySD*]

What state are you in?  Did just separate or actually get a divorce?

[gemini3]

First, while your ex may have some sort of personality disorder, only a psychologist can diagnose her.  If you go into court and try to say that she has a personality disorder without there being a diagnosis you'll be in for a rude awakening.  There is nothing that says people with personality disorders aren't fit parents.  The fitness test isn't in her disorder (if she has one) - it's in her behavior, and the effect it has on the child.  That being said, it's unlikely that here will be any observable effect on the child until several years into his/her development.

You're going to have an extremely difficult time getting the court to give you custody of a newborn baby because you think it's mother might suffer from a PD.  My suggestions are:

1.  Take it one day at a time.  You don't know yet that the child is yours.  If it is, you're in for a long and bumpy ride.  You can't let the "what-if's" take over or you'll go crazy.

2.  If you are determined to be the father - insist on joint custody, and get a parenting plan in place with specifics on everything.  BPD's are masters of manipulation, and they will take advantage of every loophole they can find. 

3.  Start acting as if the child is yours now.  If you wait until paternity has been established you she will have the upper hand.  You must be a part of this child's life from day one.  Go to parenting classes.  Be present for the birth if she'll let you.

I also highly recommend the publication "Splitting", "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" and "You're My World".  You can find them all here:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/bks/spy.php

There is a wealth of great information in those books and on that site.

[srqdad]

What state are you in?  Did just separate or actually get a divorce?

I'm in Florida.  I've been separated since May 2008 and the divorce is scheduled for trial at the end of March.

[srqdad]

gemini3,

Thank you!   I've read "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" along with "Stop Walking on Eggshells".  I've heard about "Splitting", which will be the next one I'll read.
As for her diagnosis, which I believe to be Borderline Personality Disorder with strong narcissistic traits, she has refused to go for any help.  As you know, BPD's believe nothing is wrong.  Her statement to me was, "I'm not going to a psychologist or psychiatrist because all they do is screw with your head and would tell me that I'm wrong."  The situation is much deeper than what I've mentioned above because I'm attempting to be brief.  She does have 3 other children that I now see have been affected by her behaviors.  Once this child is born, I'll find out within days if I'm the father.  I understand it's an up hill climb with this situation, yet I still have to look for resources to assist me with my upcoming custody battle.  I have an attorney that is very good, but also very expensive and I'm not made of money.
I've been told there are groups, attorneys, etc. out there that assist with father's rights.  I've been searching the net for contacts.  So if anyone can point me in the right direction, I'd greatly appreciate the info.  Thank you for your input!!!!!

[determined]

If there is no actual diagnosis of BPD, then when a GAL is appointed you will need to ask for a forensic phsychologist to serve as the GAL.  The problem is that BPD is not well understood in many family courts and is sometimes perceived of as "only borderline (i.e., just barely)". 

[jhanlauf]

Hello~

I am wondering if you did indeed go through the custody battle and how it turned out? Did you find any helpful information or contact or find anything that worked/didn't work particularly well for you? My brother is just in the beginning of a similar custody battle, and we are trying to figure out what his best plan of attack is. If you could send any info please email me at: chica_rubia_18 at yahoo.com. Thank you so much and I hope things worked out for you!

~J