Help Me! I want to know my daughter!

[Armydad]

Hello,
  I'm Davis and I Live in Kansas and here's my story. I met a woman in March of 2006 we dated and in November of 2006 we found out we were having a child. We kept dating and in December I deployed to Iraq for 15 months. I came home from Iraq on leave and we were married 5 days after the birth of our daughterin may of 2007. I returned to Iraq and about 2 months before I came home the turmoil began. I started recieving emails that she was leaving and then I would get new ones saying that she wasn't. About a month before I returned she filed for divorce. I was unaware of this and when I returned We leased a bigger house bought a new car for her and sent her to school for a cna license. In August of 2008 I was informed that I had to go to court because our divorce would be final. I was informed on a monday of this and court was that thursday! I got home from work that day and went home to find that she had moved out that day and had taken our daughter as well as all of the money out of our bank account and the furniture. So later this week I show up at court and find out that I am Divorced and that there was nothing I could do about everythinng else and to help the situation I had to make her car payments as well as maintain the lease on the house. I couldn't believe it I am married 14 months and now I pay her car payment for 5 years. She was also granted custody of our daughter and I was to have visitation every other weekend and alternating holidays. I was in shock that I had been taken advantage of in this fasion. From the very begining there were reasons visitation had to be cancelled or that it would only be okay for me to see my daughter at her house or if I did get to take my daughter to my house something would come up and she would have to come pick her up. Then at the end of october I saw my daughter for the last time. I dropped her off at her moms house kissed her goodby and told her I would see her in a couple of days. Since that day my ex has moved out of her parrents house (to where I don't know) and refused to answer my phone calls, refused to answer the door when I show up at her mothers house for visitation, her and her family have refused to answer the door when the police came with me and I can not reach any of them. I finally recieved an email from the ex a couple of weeks ago stating that she is unsure of the role she want's me to have in my daughters life and that because I am a soldier and that I have been to I raq she is going to tell the court that she believes I have PTSD and that she is afraid to let my daughter go with me.

on a side note I was out of town over the holidays and had to mail her child support check from where I was and apparently it did not arive the day it usually does. So that is how she ended the email asking where her money was.

Anyway I have filed a petition to enforce visitation and have a hearing scheduled for this morning although I could not give an adress for the ex as she won't give it to me. I did give the clerk the name of the last place I knew she worked. I feel that I may not be as prepared as I could be for this. I don't have a lot of money and like I  have said I'm a soldier we don't make a lot. So I'm having to go in there on my own. I'm sure this is going to be a continuing problem and My biggest concern is being able to have a relationship with my daughter. I am hoping that if I can keep getting her for visitation and build a relationship with her I can petition for primary residential custody. Do I have a chance? Being in the army does alow me to provide a good home for my children but all I keep hearing is that There is no way a judge is going to give my daughter to me if I'm a soldier. If anyone hasany advice for me it would be greatly appreciated as well as anywhere I can find information that would help me.

Thanks,

[Armydad]

well I went to court today and it didn't go great but atleast I get to see my daughter now and will have a piece of paper with dates on it so I can have something for the police to help inforce. I only get to see her for 4 hours 3 times a week. The judge told me no overnights but if I do well we can re-evaluate in 6 months for one overnight every other weekend. IF I DO WELL! we were in court today because I asked to have my visitation inforced and somehow I walked out with less visitation ordered and I have to wait 6 months to re-evaluate. This is less than the state visitation guide-lines. I don't get it somehow being male and in the army means that I am somehow unable to parrent my child. Once again if anyone has any advice or knows where I can look for help please let me know.

[gemini3]

Did you have a lawyer through any of this?  Why did they say you have to have supervised visitation? 

[*iLUVmySD*]

I don't know this for sure, but I was under the impression that the army has lawyers available to help it's soldiers for cases like these. It may be worth checking into if you haven't already.

[janM]

Did you have a lawyer through any of this?  Why did they say you have to have supervised visitation?

He didn't say it was supervised. Just short frequent visits.

[Marsha]

To Gemini,

I don't think he said his visitation is supervised.

To Armydad, details are left out to understand what happened...or maybe just a biased judge.  How different is what go got from Kansas guidelines?  what did you ask for?  One thing you could have done differently, and perhaps you did elsewhere, is to ask for advice way before the court date.  I would have suggested you request mom be held in contempt of the court order for denying you visitation, and again, for removing the child so that you had no idea of her whereabouts.

I don't know the law a lot, so I don't know if you can do that the next time, or if that would look stupid.

Next time in court, be prepared; a few stray suggestions;
Ask for joint legal and physical custody.
Insist that you maintain the weekly visits in addition to the overnights.  The child is now around two years old? 

This go round, do not allow mom to deny you visitation.  Show up every single time, no matter what, and if she refuses visitation, call the police to document her no show.  Keep a record in your glove compartment of times and dates.

A few things in our court order as a attachment, are here; (if you have or request joint legal custody I would be happy to post many other items on the list)

Each parent shall notify the other parent if the parent plans to change the residence of the child for more than 30 days unless there is a prior written agreement to the removal.  The notice shall be given before the contemplated move, by mail, return receipt requested, postage prepaid to the last known address of the other parent to be notified a minimum of 45 days before the proposed change of residence.

Each parent is to provide the other parent with the address and telephone number at which the child resides, and to notify the other parent immediately of any changes of address or telephone numbers.

Each parent is to provide the other parent with travel itinerary and, whenever reasonably possible, telephone numbers at which the child can be reached, whenever the child will be away from the party's home for a period of five days or more.

Each parent shall be entitled to reasonable telephonic communication with the child.  Each parent is restrained from unreasonably interfering with the child's rights to privacy during such telephone conversations.  The child may call either parent at any reasonable time.

The parents will consult with one another regarding the selection of health care providers and counselors.  Both parents may discuss the results of appointments with health care providers and/or counselors.

Each parent shall be empowered to obtain emergency health care for the child without the consent of the other parent and will immediately notify the other parent of that emergency.

Both parents shall have the right to set appointments with teachers and/or school officials at any time.

Neither parent shall schedule activities for the minor extending into or during the other parent's confirmed custodial periods without the express written permission of the other parent.  However, the other parent will give primary consideration to accomodate the needs of the minor, once permission for that activity has been given, that permission cannot be withdrawn.

*Also, I strongly encourage you to ask for a clause in the court order that has the receiving parent pick up the child.

*One good thing I got from attending coparent counseling is the use of emailing to exchange information about our childs well being, needs, if sick, etc.  It is MUCH better than talking on the phone, and it also gives you a paper trail if needed.  I would  go ahead and try to set up email communication with your ex specifically just about the child...not any personal issues.  If ex is uncooperative about communicating whats up with important stuff regarding the child...then when your court date comes around you can consider requesting a clause for the court order that both parents regularely confer regarding the well-being of _____ , preferably via email.