Dad In Trouble! BPD Custody Issue!

[DadInTrouble-PLEASE HELP!]

After 13 years of marriage and a lot of physical and mental abuse I got a divorce. I THOUGHT that would SOLVE my issues with my ex. it has ONLY made them worse!

Last night she told me that she was "sick" and if I knew what it was that "I would love her again"! She did not go into detail but she made my life a living hell last night with all of her threats about my daughter and not being able to see her, etc. She finally stopped all of the harrassment about 1am. I am sooo tired from all of the text messages and Phone calls, I am falling asleep while I write. Anyway today she told me that she has BPD.

I thought that was Bi-polar, but it turns out it is Bi personality disorder. Which is MUCH WORSE than Bi-polar. She had thoughts of killing our children when she was on hormone therapy. NOW my DAUGHTER Lives with her FULL TIME! I get her every other weekend,  and One night the following week. I am VERY afraid of what my ex is doing to my daughter MENTALLY! I can SEE what is happening to her EVERYTIME she comes home with me. it is like she is Her MOTHERS CLONE at times. SHE WAS NEVER THIS WAY BEFORE the Divorce. She even told me last night that she did not want to come for visitation tonight and THAT came straight from my Ex's mouth. If she says something it seems like my daughter repeats it like a parrot!   

I want to get custody of my daughter and have my ex get Supervised Visitation in LIGHT of this new information. I Live in Florida. Can anyone recommend a good Lawyer service. I dont make much money, and I cant afford an attorney BUT I NEED HELP! I LOVE MY DAUGHTER VERY MUCH, and it is very painful to see what she is going through!

Any help at all would be very appreciated!    Thank You all and God Bless!

[tigger]

You said "our children".  Does that mean you have custody of one child?

How old is your daughter (and the other child if one is involved)? 

[gemini3]

BPD is Borderline Personality Disorder.  I have never heard of anything called Bi-Personality Disorder. 

It's pretty unusual for someone with BPD to admit they have BPD... one of the reasons it's so hard to treat.  They will never accept that there is anything wrong with them - it's always someone else.

But ... if your ex did admit that, and did so because she got a formal diagnosis from a reputable psychologist who has experience dealing with personality disorders, then that is actually a good sign.  I say "formally diagnosed" because it is a difficult disorder to diagnose, and anything other than a formal diagnosis is pure speculation.  We all exhibit some of the symptoms of personality disorders - that doesn't mean we all have them.

I say "reputable psychologist with experience dealing with personality disorders" because, again, it is very difficult to diagnose, and even harder to treat.  I don't think a LCSW, for example, should make a diagnosis of BPD. 

Anway, what matters isn't really what her formal diagnosis is or isn't, what matters is her behavior, and how it is affecting your child(ren) and you.  If your ex has BPD (or any other type of disorder) you cannot help her with that, and it is not up to you to bear the burden of it.  In order for you to be sane and present for your children who need you, you have to take care of yourself, which means setting firm, clear boundaries for your contact with her - and then sticking to them no matter what kind of nastiness she spews or craziness she threatens.  It also means not retaliating and, if she breaks the agreements in your custody/visitation order, using the courts system to keep her in check.

There are lots of great resources out there for people who deal with a BPD ex, or family member.  I recommend:

The Psycho Ex Wife Blog - especially the one entitled "Appropriate Means of Contact With High Conflict Personalities".  My husband and I instituted his suggestions months ago, and are forever grateful for the amount of peace they have brought us.

http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/appropriate-means-of-contact-with-high-conflict-personalities/

Also this site, and the publications found there:

http://www.bpdcentral.com/index.php

Since there is always alienation involved with a BPD, I also recommend Richard Warshak's book "Divorce Poison", and Douglas Darnall's book "Divorce Casualties".

Good luck... we have so been there, done that - and it is not fun.

[Marsha]

I was going to say something similar, but much better stated above.

My questions to you were also, did your ex get clinically diagnosed (stated better the above post as to what classifies that)?

Did you ex tell you she had had thoughts of wanting to kill the children herself?  When?  What was the context?  (I am also confused about how many children there are here -?)

If that was recent, can you calmly, in a good moment between you two, suggest to mom that you go to talk to a psychologist together?

I don't want to freak about that.  There are so many levels of where that could have come from and I would be remiss to even venture to say.  On the least level, your ex could be one of those people who easily self reveals whatever is going on (she does sound pretty honest about herself) and was simply admitting to a hard moment.

This may sound horrid, but my experience of raising my young one solo, and talking to many, many moms about feelings, watching interviews on Oprah...(and I had a very positive experience parenting my young one) is that every mom fantasizes about hurting or killing her children, esp when they hear that cry when they are exhausted and trying to sleep.  Mom's don't do it, they know its irrational, they love their children...its a totally natural and not talked about publically feeling.  My understanding from one Oprah show, its only when a woman has post partum psychosis that they do actually kill their children.

The other end of the extreme is IF your ex truly has a significant mental illness, major disruptions with her hormones, etc., it would be very good for her to talk to a clinical psychologist (PHD) to discuss these feelings and see what that person has to say.

Another question, is mom still taking the hormone therapy?  Did she change it?  Does she have a good doctor who really works with her and her body around her  hormones?

The great news is your ex trusts you enough to share with you and be open.  That is very rare.  Similar to the last poster, again, I agree it is odd for something with Borderline personality disorder to be so honest and self-revealing.  While checking out the posted blogs, reading books, etc. to get help setting healthy boundries for yourself, I would suggest keeping the lines of communication open.  Irregardless of what you do legally, be careful to not threaten mom, I wouldn't even mention legal stuff until you are actually ready to serve her and then you may want to give her a thumbs up just prior to that.

In the meantime, since she is clear she is troubled and needs help, try to do whatever it takes to get her to see a clinical psychologist (if she hasn't already)...or, get a second opinion.  She needs therapy, treatment, medical help if necessary or available...support her in getting help so that you also get the knowledge you need of what is really going on with her.

Thats my advice.  If you jump into a court battle asking for sole, supervised visits, etc., without really knowing what your dealing with here....you could easily fall flat on your face.

One more question, how many and how old are your children?

AND, after so many years of marriage, how did you wind up with so little visitation time?  Did you just agree on that upfront or was that ordered after you had asked for more?  It seems like very little time.

Thanks, hope you answer our questions so you can get help.

[DadInTrouble-PLEASE HELP!]

Ok Here we go, lol :   

Tigger, 

You said "our children". Does that mean you have custody of one child?
I have One child with her and she has two from a previous marriage that I raised.
I have shared parential Responsibity.  I dont have Full custody just shared custody.
How old is your daughter (and the other child if one is involved)?

11 almost 12 years old.

Gemini 3 - Thank You, Thank You, Thank You! I will look at them.

Marsha -

My questions to you were also, did your ex get clinically diagnosed (stated better the above post as to what classifies that)? 
NO her sister was diagnosed after many years of taking Prozac and it did not work. She finally went to a Clinical PSY and they specialize in severe disorders, and they told her she had it. They also said that it was something that could run in the family. So she told my ex, and she had the test done and it was confirmed! She did not want to tell me, she just SLIPPED! So then she kind of had to tell me. She had already told me too much! 

Did you ex tell you she had had thoughts of wanting to kill the children herself? OH YEAH AND HERSELF! When? During the Hormone therapy! BUT her DR said that she could have had this and made it worse during that time!   What was the context? She said that she had "feelings" of despair and had dreams of hurting herslef and all three kids during that time.    (I am also confused about how many children there are here -?) She has TWO from her previous marriage. We have one together - my daughter.

Another question, is mom still taking the hormone therapy? No, She STOPPED the payments to the Insurance company, AND I had already gave her the money for it. So the insurance got cancelled, and now she does not have the money to drive the 2.5 hours to her Hormone Dr. and then pay the full amount for the meds. I wish she had kept the Insurance, she said that she is trying to get help through the state.   Did she change it? YES STOPPED TAKING THE MEDS. She does it everytime because she goes online and reads about the meds, finds out the side effects and then stops taking them.  Does she have a good doctor who really works with her and her body around her hormones? YES, but she cant afford it now. I gave her the money for the insurance, but she kept the money and then cancelled the insurance. 

One more question, how many and how old are your children - 1 and she is 11 almost 12

AND, after so many years of marriage, how did you wind up with so little visitation time? WELL the court system here in florida only gives you one weekend every other week. I got more than that. BUT the new law that came out in Oct says that her and I should each have one week. BUT my divorce had already gone through!  Did you just agree on that upfront or was that ordered after you had asked for more? It seems like very little time Yes I get her from Thursday after school, till sun night. Then the next week I get her from after school till the next day. so I get her 5 days out of 14. TOTALLY NOT FAIR! But that is what I was offered, because she is the mother. NOW I might have a chance to at least get her a full week if not full custody.

Thank You, and I will look forward to others who have encouraging words or advice for me. I really need an attorney who will represent me. Because she said she makes no money, she went to legal aid, so now I cant! Some law system we have! Now I cant even PROTECT my daughter, because I cant afford to pay for a lawyer.

Thank You Everyone!

[gemini3]

BTW - I don't recommend going to court and using her supposed diagnosis as the reason for a change in custody.  It does not work.  Focus on her behavior and how it is affecting your child.  It has to be affecting the child negatively in concrete ways that a judge can see for it to make a difference.  For example - failing grades when she used to be an A-B student, delinquent behavior, etc.

Also, if your daughter tells you she doesn't want to see you - do not go for that.  Kids do this for a myriad of reasons.  You are the parent, it is your parenting time.  Just tell her something like "I know it's hard for you to go back and forth between mom and I like this.  You still have to come, but let's talk about it over dinner."  Most likely there will be nothing to actually talk about because she's probably just trying to show her mother loyalty because her mom is insecure.  That, or her mom is telling her something stupid (like you don't really want to see her) and she's testing you.

Regardless, do not give up your parenting time.  If your ex won't let you pick your daughter up go file contempt charges.

I'm not sure why her filing for legal aid means that you can't.  Why is that?