Mother kept daughter claiming we both have custody

[orgncwby]

Just an update, she was hauled off to jail, only after she did it two vistations in a row. She is now facing a felony 2 custodial interference.  She had emailed me her intentions so from what I hear from the DA its an open and shut case.  She is now facing five years in prison for it, which seems pretty severe to me but I guess you make your bed and you have to lie in it. 
The funny thing is it took three offenses and the officer that finally wanted to put his neck out to make it happen.  As we all know if this had been the other way around, even though they say it wouldnt, I would have been put into jail the very first time I did anything stupid such as this. 
Equality, isnt it great.

[Davy]

Congrats cwby for your fortitude and ability to protect your daughter.  And to your LE community for stomping out dual standards and joining in the effort to protect children.  I regret, probably like you, that the mother refused to respond to the many chances and warnings to make corrections in her behavior.  The arrest and hopeful conviction is a neccessity to call a halt to the dysfunction.   Ha !  I guess this gives new meaning to supervised visitation.

Do you have an opinion of the impact of this situation on your daughter's emotional well-being and way of life.  In my opinion and experience it will be greatly rewarding to the child.  I suspect others would like to know what could have been.  Maybe we should all move to Oregon !!!

I'm wondering if you know about the actual arrest if she was thrown to the ground or on the trunk of a car and manhandled or stuffed into the back of a cruiser.  Then harrassed, intimidated and provoked all the way and inside the jail.  Is it different for mom than it is for dad ?  I don't think anybody knows because it has never happened before.

I applaud ya'll.


Just FYI.  About 2 years ago another poster was trying to invoke these criminal statues and contacted THE ILL-and-NOISE Attorney General (Lisa Madigan) and was told "we don't enforce these laws" (against women of course).  In other words, congress pass laws and corrupt elected officials pick and choose to who the laws apply.   

[shaden3]

Although you didn't hit on this directly, I am wondering if your daughter was asking mom to allow her to move in with her?

It would seem that your daughter has some issues that she would like to work out with you. You don't need to change all your rules. However, as young girls become women, we need to re-evaluate our parenting by bringing them into creating the home guidelines. By defining what is important to you (e.g., her safety, her education, respect, responsibility etc.) and finding out what is important to her (e.g., freedom, friends, etc.), you can brainstorm some parameters together.

In this way, she's much more likely to stick around, appreciate being brought into the decision-making, and enjoy the improved relationship and communication with her dad.

[Davy]

Please read the original post.  Orgncwby is an excellent parent and even a better father.

[shaden3]

Original post reads:

"I feel im an excellent father, although I have strict rules which my daughter does not approve, no makeup, no pajamas to school, bath everyday, bed by nine, take care of her own animals."

It's okay to ask parents to open their minds and re-evaluate household rules as a child develops and grows. This flexibility is important to create ongoing openness, honesty and respect in relationships.

Please know that it doesn't, in any way, mean that dad isn't a great dad and/or that he has to change his values to accomodate daughter's dislike of the rules. As parents, our job is to set those guidelines, role model and create family values.

It does mean, however, that mutual consideration is the first road to motivating another party to hearing our concerns, as well. It's okay to be introspective, and absolutely no disrespect nor judgment was meant regarding dad's first post.

It's also okay to brainstorm with our children, admit we can all do better, apologize when it's appropriate, and command respect as a parent.

[tigger]

I agree, he is an excellent father.  Most schools have dress codes banning pj's anyway.  And even if they don't, I wouldn't want a bunch of boys seeing my daughter in clothes intended for bed time.  Shoot, I don't want a bunch of girls seeing my boys (ages 20 and 15) in that attire either!

As for no make-up, perhaps a bit of eye make up only.  Chances are good, her complexion makes anything else unnecessary.  I remember FINALLY being allowed to wear make-up when I was 12 years and 4 months old.  (Christmas, it was in my stocking).  Felt like I was FINALLY being recognized as a youth instead of a child.  Small victory.  If she looks like she's wearing too much, have her eyes checked.  I would put on too much make up and it turned out it was simply because I couldn't see the difference in the mirror because my vision was bad.  Also, take her to a make up counter and have the attendant put it on her (conservatively) so she knows how to do it.  This is all of course, when you determine the right time is.

As for the other stuff, it's typical teen stuff.  My 15 year old doesn't like that I'm holding him more and more accountable for his animals.  I feed them when he's at his dad's and do whatever they need, of course, but if he's in bed and remembers that the fish need to be fed, he needs to get up and do it.

[Davy]

Zing !!!!!

[orgncwby]

Thank you all!!!  This whole situation has opened my eyes up more as well.  I have opened up to allow a few more things to let my little girl grow up.  I have allowed eye shadow and a few other things. I have asked her more of her opinions on things.  Letting her do her own mistakes.  I have allowed her to set her own standards that I can live with, that way she can only be upset with herself for going outside those standards.  She is upset with me because her mother keeps telling her that the mother is going to prison for five years, and that is is all I fault.  I strictly state that I had no decision in the arrest and or conviction of her mother I was mearly asking for my daughter to be returned to me.  I am upset that the mother did not abide by the law and decided to act of her own and is know facing her consequences.
I know that like my son my daughter will hopefully see that I am just doing what is best for them.  I could see where it would be very hard to be put in the middle of something such as this, being told my one parent about all the "issues" with the other parent and the other parent never discussing anything about the situation and loving and trusting both parents.  It is very tough to listen to some of the things the ex tells my daughter.

Davy, ex was not thrown to ground, harrased or anything. the officers quietly cuffed ex and put ex in car.  I do assume ex said or did something on way to or during processing to officers because a three hour lockup wound up being a three day lockup,  Ex informed me "no one will listen to her side" that ex was only going to keep daughter for an extra day.  but the emails ex sent me stated ex would not return daughter until ex and I agreed on a new parenting plan.  That was her mistake.  Now she is facing a felony 2 with 3 to 5 years. 

Shaden3,  Daughter has asked ex to live with her yes.  Daughter has asked me to allow her to live with ex.  I have stated no and reasons being that 1.  Mother has no stable home, Fifth house in three years, 2. mother has no job. 3. mother does not make sure daughter makes it to school, does not attend school functions, etc.  I have stated if mother could provide a stable safe home I would have no problem reevaluating our parenting arrangement.

I do have to say that I have spent over 44k in legal fees over all this in the last three years and would do it all over again if I had to.  (although a new truck sure sounds nice).  The things we do for our kids. 

[tigger]

You might want to consider counseling for your daughter.  A neutral 3rd party can help her sort through all the emotions and inappropriate conversations.  Help her realize that her trust in you is not misplaced or puts her in a vulnerable position.

[shaden3]

orgncwby:
You're doing excellent work with your daughter. Excellent.

One way of talking to our children when there are criminal charges, jail time, etc., is to explain that the courts - not the parents at this point - have taken over the decision-making. Since the courts (we don't want to scare our children away permanently from looking to the judicial system for remedies) are mandated to make decisions that protect minors, this is the path they've chosen for mom. It will be clear to your daughter that no one is intentionally trying to cause harm or shake her world to where she feels unsafe, but that adults need to take responsiblity and face consequences if they go outside court orders.

It's good to let her air her stuff without fear of guilt, punishment, or of being corrected. It's important to let her know that how she feels is normal, and that you understand that she's very sad. You don't need to take or deny responsibility. "You're really upset about this, I can see that. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I'll do whatever I can to protect you and be a good parent."

Kids want to love the people they love. That simple. They should be allowed to do that without dealing with adult problems. When one parent makes that difficult and/or impossible, then the other parent will have to do double duty.

Your openness in listening to what others have to say is very impressive. Keep on keeping on, dad. I agree that (a good - and do shop around) therapist can help her with the objective support and guidance she may need during these difficult times.

Good luck, keep it up.