Not sure what to think.....

[fatherof2]

I'm in need of some advice.

I am involved with a woman who means eveything to me. The problem lays within our children and our exes. I don't get a long well with my ex at all, and fight over our daughter all the time. My GF gets along fantastically with her ex to the point of taking the kids place together at times. Admittedly, I'm a bit jealous (i kow they are only friends, but I wish I had the same relationship with my ex), and b/c of that sometimes sive my gf a hard time. She is a fantastic mother to her children. Her kids are very well behaved, love and respect her. When an issue comes up with her children, she handles it right away, and sometimes things rectify right away, sometimes it takes a few days. Here's the big issue. She thinks I am too soft on my kids. She tells me all the time that I need to talk to them, to get them to "be respectful to others"  show them who's boss (and it's not them). I see where she is coming from. My children are certainly no angels, but I only see them every other weekend, especially my daughter who is my baby (she's 4). I don't want to spend the weekend diciplining them. I don't want them to hate me, or get mad. My gf seems to think that I am not "parenting" them, and I need to do this. I hate to admit it, but I know she's right. However, once again, I only see them every other weekend.

I've mentioned that at some point in time I would like us to be a family, under one roof. GF told me that only when I get a handle on parenting would that happen. I understand what she is saying and I know she's not trying to tell me what to do, but help me, however - they are my kids. I know that if things don't soon change that I'm going to lose her. SHe's already distanced herself from the kids and I. SHe loves my kids, but said that until I get a handle, it's best we only see each other without the kids. For now.

The other issue is that I feel torn between wanting to spend all my free time with her, and my family (parents kids etc). I told her this, and she told me that I should not feel torn. The kids and my family come before her. Which makes me love her even more. I just don't know how to bring the two together.

GF got mad at me last weekend b/c we made plans to catch up after she took her 6 yr old to the park. I asked her to call me when she was leaving so I could meet her at her place. She called. I was so confused as to what I wasnted to do (spend time with her or my family) that I asked her " what are your plans now?" She was upset, I could tell. Told me that she was just going to stay home. I asked her if she wanted me to come over later, and she said no thanks. not this evening. SHe wanted time to herself. Later on we talked and she told me that I was sending mixed signals. I told her I realized that and appoligized. I explained to her how I felt torn. That when she told me all I had to explain was that I wanted to spend time with family. But not to make plans with her and then back out. Makes sense. But still feeling torn.

THen when I have my kids I feel torn. I want my cake and eat it too. Should I set her free??? I'm so confused.

[superdad01]

Well u said it yourself...... YOur kids will respect you more if your are not the road they walk on. Good behavior needs guidelines. I sometimes let my daughter get away with things but she knows the second I raise my voice that I mean business. A strong hand now will prevent a lot of bS down the road.

I too do not get along with my ex at all.... I could honestly say I hate her. But I have on many occassions swallowed my pride and did co-birthdays parties and other events with her, because it's all about the kids.

[Kitty C.]

First of all, the best piece of advice I've ever heard is 'You have to love your kids more than you hate your ex.'  Both my DH and I had to learn that on our own and it does take time and it means taking the high road and picking your battles very carefully.

And we also both found out that spoiling our boys and not disciplining them, regardless of how long they were with us (I was CP and DH is NCP) was the absolute wrong thing to do.  It doesn't take kids long (even as early as 3-4 y.o.) to realize they can play one parent off the other to get what they want.  My SS was doing that big time, until DH finally 'got it' and put his foot down.  SS is now 15 and if I'm sure he's grateful that DH did step in.  DH even got after SS for disrespecting his BM and using the fact that BM would get him almost anything he wanted to stay in good favor with him.  She has never been able to tell him no, as long as he wears her down sufficiently. 

I think you know that in all aspects of life, you cannot have your cake and eat it, too, no matter what the situation.  But there's no reason why you can't be a parent to your kids and still have a relationship with your GF and her family.  If you are confused as to how to make that happen, I would strongly recommend counseling and/or parenting classes.

Why would you want to set your GF free?  Is she telling you she doesn't want to have a relationship with you or saying that if you don't shape up as a parent, you don't have a future together?  I can understand if she would feel strongly about your role as parent, because if your relationship would progress to marriage, then you would be a stepdad to her kids.  If she has concerns about your parenting skills and you want to maintain your relationship, then working on those skills seems to be the appropriate plan of action.  But you both must always remember that You are the primary disciplinarian for your kids and she is for hers

I have told both my DS and SS that the ONLY things I absolutely have to do for them is provide a roof over their heads, clothes on their backs, and food in their stomachs.  I am NOT their friend, I am their parent.  If you want to look at it this way, your role as a parent is to teach a child how to be an adult.  Give them the skills, knowledge, and morals they need to live in the adult world.  If you don't think you're doing that right now, then you need to change how you're doing things and obtain the skills you need to accomplish that.  And don't ever worry about your kids being mad at you.  Can you remember how often you were pissed at your own parents? 

Hating your parents is a rite of passage for all kids.  And regardless of how much they may 'hate' you at times, never give up on your parenting time with them.  They will even go so far as to tell the BM that you're being mean to them, giving her an excuse to try to deny your parenting time or telling them they don't have to go with you if they don't want to.  But she does NOT have the authority to deny your time if you already have a CO with set times established.  And she canNOT give the kids the option of going or not... that is not a decision they should be allowed to make.  You and the BM are the parents, they are the kids...you make the rules and they will have to follow them.  But if your ex ever interfers with that, then you may be forced to take her back to court to hold her in contempt if she makes a habit of it.

[Marsha]

It sounds to me like you need some time alone to try to get more clear on how to handle your time with your kids.  For everyone's sake.  Then set that out to everyone...see how it goes?  Since you only see your kids every other weekend, I personally believe its super important, even if you get married, to always have special private time alone with your kids, and even time with each individual child if possible.  Perhaps you can work out a comprimise of a good dose of time with your kids....they deserve that, and then some fun time with your girlfriend where your all doing a activity everyone can enjoy.  In the end, its up to you to decide what works for YOU, what you think is best for you and your kids...they come first...and go from there.

As far as parenting, I can wholeheartedly say that I know my daughter thrives off it when I set clear boundries and consequences and stick to them.  Kids NEED boundries to be healthy...and I have never experienced her loving me less as a result of having boundries.  I'm not saying I don't have to endure her tantrums, mean words sometimes, her angst...it tears me up inside...but when I stick to my word, she always gets over it...quicker than I usually think (I think it takes ME longer to recover frankly), and life goes back to whats next...