Who is dad?

[lucky]

Well, it's been a LOOONNNGGG time since I came for advice.  Things are pretty good for us, all but one of the stepkids are 18+ and we don't have to deal with any ex's anymore.  However, our two oldest girls both live with and have a child with men who have a child from a previous relationship.  Who'da thunk?

I'm here about my dd's situation today.  Her bf has a 7yo with a former girlfriend.  Mom got married last Saturday to a man that she'd been dating about 6-9 months from what I understand.  Mom has been noticeably cooler to bf since bf and my dd got together and had their little boy, but not pbfh bad.  She's yanked his chain a couple times, but backed off fairly quickly in each situation. 

Ok, the 7 yo son has known bf since birth and knows that bf is his dad.  This weekend my dd & her bf had son for the weekend.  BF had gone outside before my dd got up this morning and she asked son where his dad was.  Son's response was "Who?  You mean Justin?"  My dd didn't know what to say or do.  I believe that she said yes, but didn't care for the idea that he was questioning who dad was.

My first thought was "and so it begins...."  I told her that I'd come and ask advice from people who'd been there done that.  In our similar situation, dh hadn't actually seen ss till he was 7 and ss had lived nearly his whole life with his mother's bf in the picture.  That isn't the case with dd and her bf though.

Any ideas on how she should handle it?  She doesn't want bf to know because he'll be crushed then get pissed off and he doesn't make the greatest decisions when he's po'd.

Thanks!

[gemini3]

From what you've said it sounds like things have been pretty smooth for the 7yo and his dad.  Kinds sometimes do this as a way of being "smart".  My husbands 8yo sometimes calls him by his first name out of disrespect, but that's all it is.  I wouldn't make too much out of it unless there is other evidence that the child is being alienated.

It's hard when you've been through it yourself.  To a hammer everything looks like a nail.  Sometimes it isn't.

[MixedBag]

good idea.

I think I'd only tackle this subject if it happens tooooo often.

[sohappy]

Two dads two moms. That is just the way it is with split families who remarry. We just have our child say daddy rob and daddy mike so we know who is being talked about

[tigger]

If I had to do it all over again, I would have insisted that it be in the consent order that parental names were to be reserved for biological parents only.

[*iLUVmySD*]

I really think it depends on the situation.  It is hard for younger children to make that distinction especially when other half-siblings call the step-parent "Mommy" or "Daddy".  In my situation my husband and BM were never married.  Since my husband and BM did not have a committed relationship, I have been with my husband since before my SD was born.  Being there her entire life and then having her half-brother (our son) born when she was 3 really makes calling me "Mommy" harder to avoid.  But now that she is 9, she does understand the distinction between Mommy me and Mommy BM, but still continues to call me Mom as well because that is what she is comfortable with.  I think in the end that is what is the most important - the child's comfort level.  However, it can be hard when they're younger because they just don't fully understand.  Also when there are multiple boyfriends or girlfriends it can get confusing and frustrating for parents as well as the children caught in the middle.

[tigger]

The problem is when the divorce isn't even final yet and my then 3 year old is coming home asking if I'm still his mommy because T (then stbx's mistress) told him that I wasn't and she was his mommy now. 

Another problem is when the boys are told they HAVE to call her "Mommy" because her daughter will call her by her first name and not "mommy".

The problem is when you have a vengeful person who puts the kids in middle and uses them as a tool to "pay back" the one person who remained faithful to her vows and moved forward after the divorce, you have someone who cares nothing for the children and puts them in horrible positions, pitting them against her perceived enemy.  That's where what the children are comfortable with is thrown out the window and the so-called adult's agenda is put on the front burner. 

[*iLUVmySD*]

I can definitely understand that.  How some parents have no problem putting their kids in the middle like that is really disturbing.  It's really the children that suffer the most and unfortunately we have experience with that too.

[shaden3]

It's good to factor in the developmental age of the child, and understand that this type of "call me so-and-so" stress is very unfortunate for the younger ones.

It's most important to remember that we can always put our energy into being a good role model, a supportive caregiver, and a loving presence in our children's lives - whether they call us Hey Yo or "dad."

We put the significance onto the name, and this can be a mistake. It may not match what the child's views on us are. The child will relate to all the love, support, respect, patience and dignity we can muster during these difficult times living apart.

[Davy]

Sorry. ( I really don't mean that).  My children referred to their mother (she had been what you may call the CP) by her first name.  I firmly insisted they referred to her as mom or mother and absolutey would not allow all the fowl language just because she did.  They overcame and became overcomers.