The daughter I didn't know about.

[MissedHer]

She is an adult now, and wants nothing to do with me due to the manipulation of the mother. Her mother never told me about her when pregnant, when born, or when adopted by the mothers husband.

I'm not sure what options I have now. Since the daughter is 18+, should I take the mother to court because of her failure to tell me? What other options do I have?

The only way I found out is by piecing one and two together over the years, and she doesn't deny it, in fact I found out she told a friend that she was certain that the daughter was mine.

I have went through several years of emotional issues trying to deal with this, I have to put it behind me somehow, but not sure what to do.

[Kitty C.]

It will do you no good to take the BM to court, as there is nothing you can petition her for.  Since your daughter is an adult, the BM is no longer obligated to her.  And it would be a huge stretch to try to sue her for 'loss of affection', but I'm sure there might be some atty. out there who'd look at it as a possible moneymaker....because that's all you could sue her for, and that won't get you any further with your daughter.  In fact, it could very well push her even further away, just proving her mother once more what a 'bad guy' you were and are.

I have a very close friend who is in the same boat as you, with an adult daughter he never sees, only he also has a grandson now that he's never seen.  And she's no more than 50 miles away, too.  My friend is a Vietnam vet and is legally blind due to an ammunition explosion.  His daughter didn't even want him to walk her down the aisle when she got married because (quote her) she'd be 'ashamed' of him.  That is all obviously of the BM's doing over many years of PAS.

He gets very angry talking about his daughter, angry at her for not wanting anything to do with him.  I've tried to explain to him that she only knows what she's been told ALL her life, from her mother.  She knows no different and has no reason to believe differently.  He seems to think that, now that she's an adult, she should just know what she's doing is wrong.  But I've tried to explain to him that, in order for that to happen, there would have to be some kind of intervention, an epiphany of sorts, that would shake up what she's known and been told all her life about you.

I will suggest to you what I've told him:  the only advice I can give is to some way stay in contact with her.  Write her letters or try to show her in some way that what her mother told her was all wrong.  What this would require on your part is an infinite amount of patience, as this will be an extremely long process with no guarantee of a happy ending.  So it's up to you as to how much of yourself you are willing to invest in this, since the outcome is questionable.

I don't know what kind of personality you have, but I know my friend is very stubborn and, as yet, disregards the suggestions I've given him.  He has carried this anger for a very long time and it would take a lot to dispel it enough for him to see a clearer picture of the situation.  But the best I can tell you is to somehow let her know you've never stopped loving her and be patient and persistant about it.  Maybe writing a letter to her once or twice a year.  Don't hound her or she could turn you in for harrassment (in fact, it probably wouldn't be surprising if her mother suggests it).  Don't tell her what she should or shouldn't be feeling about you, just what you remember of her, what your dreams were and are for her, what you've done with your life.  If you eventually do get a response, gently guide her into the concept of how much you would love to have her in your life.  But if she does ever respond to you, let her dictate the speed and flow of the relationship.

But it will also be up to you as to how long you are willing to pursue this.  She may eventually respond and she might never.  Only you can know how much you are willing to expend of yourself in all this.  I wish you all the best.