Advice needed- custodial dad going back to court

[luckydad]

Hello.

I have been CP to my son for 3 1/2 years now.  Before I was CP, I shared legal and physical custody with my son's mother.

I was just served with a motion for a custody modification from my son's mother.  She is wanting sole legal and physical custody.  Her reasoning is that our son seems depressed and withdrawn and feels he cannot be himself while with me.  This is the only reason stated in the motion.

Our court date is not until the fall. 

I do not see this side of our son at all.  In fact, he is a happy kid who is always in good spirits and full of jokes, smiles and such.

What do I need to do to prepare for this?  Oh, our son is 13.

Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

[ocean]

Is BM in the same school district? The courts are not going to want him to switch school midyear..
How are his grades? She can use that against you...
BM can ask for a law guardian to be assigned, if so then this person will talk to son and ask him what he wants (although that is not the final say..but maybe more time with mom if he wanted it?).

Sometimes a counselor helps and if you get to pick him/her out and start the process then the counselor would hear from your side. Do you think son needs to go? Maybe have one picked out, you see them a few times, catch them up, let them meet son, and have him go once a month until court to just talk...

Some people dont like to talk to the kids about court but at his age, I would ask him if everything is alright the way it is now ..that mom is saying he is depressed and to please tell you even if it will hurt your feeling if something is going on. (especially of BM has his ear when he visits her). Listen to what he has to say...if he wants more time...offer more time at moms. If not, then say you will take care of it through the courts but you wanted to know his feelings on it as he is getting a little older but that he does not need to choose between you two.

[luckydad]

No, BM is not in the same school district. 

His grades are average......but still better than they were when he went to school where BM lives.

BM already gets 3 weekends a month with our son.  She has a midweek visit also but doesn't use it.  She also has 5 weeks available to her in the summer but has never used them. 

I have offered him more time at BM's but she doesn't want to take it.

So I'm really not sure what this is all about. 

I've talked to him a lot lately about all of this and he feels torn.  He wants more time with BM but isn't quite getting that it's not me that is standing in the way of that.  I think he feels that if he lived there with her again that he would get more of her attention. 

Thanks for the advice!

[trystero]

.......Her reasoning is that our son seems depressed and withdrawn and feels he cannot be himself while with me.  This is the only reason stated in the motion.

This is her position to argue from. She had better be able to present some evidence to support claim.  Other than her opinion.....it would be vs your opinion that all is fine.  Stalemate.

Might be worth trying to get some external professional opinion to weigh in on the matter.  If he's not clinically depressed, just pre-teen wishing his life were different and his BM was more interested/involved, you may be able to work this out of court all together.

If she's interested in more time with her son, open up the dialog.  She may shut it down...indicates to me that something more than just this is behind the motion (I'm a habitual cynic!)

Currently wrapped up in my own custody issue and my kids are younger than yours so hard to 100% relate...

See if you can find out what's really the motivation here.  Otherwise, I think between now an Fall you'll want to have something credible on your side to discount what BM is alleging...

[luckydad]

Thanks for the advice.

I am meeting with his school this week and talking with his teachers to see if they see any change in my son's behavior and demeanor lately.  Also going to see if the school counselor would be willing to talk to him.

I have offered BM more time.  She currently has 3 weekends a month, every other holiday, 5 weeks in the summer, and a mid week visit that are all Court ordered.  She has ONLY ever exercised the weekends and holiday visitation.  If our son does not have school and she wants to keep him an extra day, the answer has always been yes.  If she wants to pick him up early or keep him later, the answer has been yes.  So the time has been available to her if she wanted it.

I was speaking with  my son about this issue the other day and he told me that he doesn't like having a bedtime here and that he thinks he should be able to come and go without telling me where he is going.  He stated that his BM lets him stay up as late as he wants and go where he wants.

So I'm not sure even my son knows what he wants right now.

[Kitty C.]

'I was speaking with  my son about this issue the other day and he told me that he doesn't like having a bedtime here and that he thinks he should be able to come and go without telling me where he is going.  He stated that his BM lets him stay up as late as he wants and go where he wants.'

Ahhhhhhhh, BM is playing on son's teenage desire to go where the grass is greener.  She's dangling a carrot in front of him and, being the age he is and the peer pressure he could be under, it would be hard for him to not grab it.

But courts recognize this, as well.  Even if he was asked by the court what his preferance is and why, going to Mom's because he can do what he wants and stay up late won't fly.  He's got to have a better reason than that.  I think your meetings with the school will back that up.

In court, the BM will have to prove a 'significant change of circumstance' in order for the court to even consider making a custody change.  What she's claiming doesn't even come close.  The 'significant change of circumstance' means that there would have to be something detrimental happening to the child in the home of the current custodial parent to believe that it would be alleviated by changing custody.  Instances that come to mind are abuse, neglect, truancy, escalating bad behavior stemming from issues in the home, bad grades due to lack of parental involvement, just to name a few.  Get the idea?

Do you have documentation of offering BM more time that she refused to take?  Court also needs to know how committed she's been in the past.

[shaden3]

In response to your pondering:
"So I'm not sure even my son knows what he wants right now."

Good for you. A kind and thoughtful place to go, although more difficult and challenging than finding documentation for an adversarial court battle.

It's a great place for you to continue on with - this exploring what your son wants. Have you considered a parent-teen mediation? He's telling you something, and it's hard not only for you to figure out, but obviously for him, as well. The mediation may or may not involve the mom, too. This would give you a chance to find a safe place to tell him what's important to you, as well.

You clearly have a good heart and much concern for this growing young man, and the questions you ask are impressively compassionate. Certainly, these situations are never easy, but they can be made less stressful and angry by some decent, well-guided conversations. Much luck to you.