disciplin and step kids

[ocean]

Why not have a family meeting when your husband is home and come up with a chart with chores and days and who does what. Have you husband do the talking for his kids and say that when he is not here that it is just understood that there is to be respect in your house. Underneath, come up with consequences if they badmouth or refuse to do the chore.( like no tv, comptuer, early bed that night) You can do it the positive way too...if they do them they get xyz that night.

[shaden3]

Ocean, great idea! Another thing that improves these matters is to take stepson aside and offer him a private conversation, always open door, always a good ear - without giving advice unless he asks. If you say, "I'm always here to listen to you when you have something on your mind. I won't tell you what I think unless you ask. If you have something you can't talk to me about, I will find someone for you. I won't judge you or share your secrets, unless there's a danger to you." This helps the kids know we're not the enemy, but a support system for all the difficulties they face. Another thing to do is to let them off the "blame hook" by telling them that we know they don't mean to make things difficult, but that's the result of their lack of cooperation. Tell him you can put your heads together to improve things, that the rules are for the betterment of the family as a whole and for the individuals, and that chores make us important, contributing members of a family.

[jessica78]

thanks for those last two posts about what i should do- and i will try both of those.  the thing is tho- at this point- my step son knows its a game.  and knows that when we go to dairy queen or go shopping- he thinks he will still the things the others get.  We've started saying no to those extra things for now.  We have told him when he does things without an arguement or being disrespectful- he will surely get the things too.  He of course gets mad and says it isnt fair that the girls get things but he doesnt....UNTIL he is reminded of his behavior earlier that day- then yea he understands.  he actually told me, he knows that he can be disrespectful to me and nothing will happen.  I get mad- and then feel bad for giving him his consquences so then i take it back and he laughs and did in fact tell me- its his game he likes to play...Great huh?  But we will definetly sit down and make a chore chart.  HE actually wrote out what conseqences should be for not following the rules(which he also wrote down).  so he knows...but like he says its a game to see how mad i can get at him...

[shaden3]

He may just be pushing you to see how far he can go before you stop loving him and/or abandon him. Just keep hugging him, letting him know there's nothing he can do to get you to go away. He isn't developmentally mature enough to have that good a grasp on why he's doing what he's doing in the home. It's usually a cry for positive reinforcement. So, to that end, taking things away (rather than earning rewards) tends to reinforce a kid's insecurities about what he's worth. Good to see you're doing that good work, where "when we're done with our chores we can go out for ice-cream," replaces, "we all get ice-cream except for you because you didn't do your chores." This may make him resent the goody two shoes in the family and act out more.

[Sherry1]

The problem I am seeing is that you are the one trying to enforce the rules.  The rules need to be enforced by dad, not by stepmom.  I have been doing the stepmom thing a long time and stepmoms need to take a back seat to the disciplining, chores, take away privilieges, etc.  Dad needs to be responsible for doing this.

This will not get better.  If you keep engaging and pushing he will engage and push back. 

[jessica78]

I would totally take a step back being the step mom...BUT these kids live here full time.  It's not like they are just here every other weekend and thats it.  My daughter and my step daughter all follow the same rules... they have NO issues with it, sure they may not LIKE it, but they do it without giving me a hard time, or being rude about it.  They know that if they want the "special" things that they gotta help out around here.  I'm not going to just not be a parent to my step son cuz his dad isn't here.  That doesn't make sense to me.  I mean I get that dad has to step in and take part in the parenting.... BUT.... when he isn't here- what then?  The kids don't have to do chores?  What will that show to my daughter?  That it's ok not to listen to her step dad then? 

And I've told my step son...when he said he thinks if he behaves like this- he thinks he will get to go live with his mom.... I told him nope.  That, to me, would be taking the easy way out... almost like abandoning him.... that is what their mother did 8 years ago and why their dad got custody.  We won't be doing that, ever!
To me, when parents have rules that kids have to follow- that means they care about them and what happens and how they grow up.
I will definitly try some of those suggestions... but as far as me not doing anything- it won't happen.

Thanks for the help!

[Kitty C.]

When he's not there, then you back up what he has established with them (and mutually agreed upon with you first).  We're not saying you can't do anything when Dad isn't there, but you can't be making all the rules, either.  Like I and others have said, you and Dad need to come to an agreement on what the chores should be, for whom (I recommend rotation so no one gets stuck with the most unappealling chore all the time ), and the consequences if they are not done.  Then you BOTH sit down with the all the kids and lay out the plan to them.  Showing them a united front is the first step.

There are two issues that are important after this step.......one, you absolutely have to follow through on everything you say and two, Dad absolutely has to back you up if you have to impose consequences while he is gone.  If either of you sway, the child it directly affects will latch on to that like a dog with a bone and will try to get you and/or Dad to be more lenient or go back on what you originally planned.  If that happens, then you're back to square one again.

I hope this helps........

[Sherry1]

Jessica, I was a custodial stepmom too, skids lived with me 365/24/7.  If you keep trying to be the disciplinarian things will continue to go downhill.  You will get more and more miserable and your SS will get more and more agressive on his rebellion.  You can't do it.  You aren't the parent.  Unless your DH is the disciplinarian and backs you up 100% this is going to spiral out of control more and more as time goes on.  He isn't your child.  You didn't give birth to him.  You were not responsible for how he was raised for a long time.  You can't just become mom.

[jessica78]

I don't want to be his mom- but i have been  the kids' step mom for just over 9 yrs.  they've lived full time with us for 8 of those years.  so.... me and their dad will set down the rules and consequences together.  there are 4 kids total in this house and i will not take a step back with the step kids and have different rules for the others.  so rules will be made and things set with both me and the dad and the concquences will also be set.

thanks again for all those who posted...even if i didnt like them... it was still good things to hear.

[Kitty C.]

I agree.........there should not be different rules for different kids.  If you and your DH are even-handed across the board in regards to doling out chores and discipline/consequences, then I think you both will get a lot more cooperation from all of them.  As long as your DH is seen as the primary parent for his kids and you are the primary parent for yours...and you back each other up, showing a united front......I think things will go a lot better in your home.

I hope you are able to work these issues out........DS still has so much resentment towards DH for this very same reason that I don't know if they can ever come to terms with it.  I sure wouldn't want to see another family go through what we've gone through.