New Member! Advice please. My husband and I are seeking custody.

[ceniim]

Hello All,

I know this first post will be long. Sorry. My husband and I have been married for five years and he has a daughter that is now 11. I have known her since she was 5. Her mom is very vindictive and uses her a pawn. For the last three trips she has come to us she cries and screams and hollers everytime she has to go back with her mom. She had an anxiety attack last summer and this spring break she was overtly violent to her mom. She told her she didn't wanna live with her and everytime the bio mom would touch her she would scream "Don't touch me!". It was heart wrenching. She asked three years ago if she could call me Mom and I explained to her that she should call me whatever she feels comfortable with. She should do what makes her happy and not worry about me or mom or dad. I just wanted her to understand that she doesn't need to call me a certain name in order for me to love her. She insisted on calling me Mom.

After the spring break trip this year we are very concerned about her well-being. She is getting progressively worse and not better. Each visit is more violent and she is becoming more angry. Her mother refuses to even discuss her coming to live with us - We even offered to pay child support for one year and she still refuses. She said that her daughter is fine and she will deal with her emotional issues. We found three child therapist for her to see and she refused to take her to any. We are at the point where we are forced to file for custody. SD has begged us to please go see a judge and that she will tell them she doesn't wanna live with mom. It is soooo sad.

My greatest concern is that she lives in MD and the courts do not let children choose their living arrangement but will take their inputs into consideration. They are also not known to be gender neutral. We only want SD to live where she is truly happy whether that be at her mom's or with us.

Advice?

[ocean]

How is she doing in school? Can you talk to her teachers and see her grades? At the very least you can see if the counselor at school will talk to her.

You can: Go to court and ask for counseling court ordered. This will give everyone a place to vent and see what is going on. Then you can see if you want to file for custody.
or
Go for custody now and ask for a law guardian for the child. They will ask the child what they want and what is happening. The LG will report to judge and if it is a trial get to ask mom and dad questions for the child. (It is a lawyer for the child). This is paid for by the state. You will have to prove child wants to come and why it is in the best interest for her to come to you. You can use mother refuses to take child to counseling. If she is having trouble in school you can use that. It sounds like you are far away so you would need to come up with a visitation plan for mom during breaks by you.

[janM]

The LG will report to judge and if it is a trial get to ask mom and dad questions for the child. (It is a lawyer for the child). This is paid for by the state.

Is this true in Maryland? I thought most states have the parents split the cost?

[ocean]

I dont know...In NY, we did not pay...

[jumbo]

The LG will report to judge and if it is a trial get to ask mom and dad questions for the child. (It is a lawyer for the child). This is paid for by the state.

Is this true in Maryland? I thought most states have the parents split the cost?

no its not true. If you request the judge order counciling and a GAL, you wwill have to pay for it.  You can request the judge order that the costs be split, but in my experience it will depend on the county.  If the judges finds tha the child should stay wehere she is, its likely you could pay all costs, including moms legal fees. 

I would also suggest you not encourage the child to call you mom.  You are encouraging her alienation from your mother,when you and dad should just try to found out whats causeing her frustration.  Ive found that most kids tend to get to a point where they start choosing.  Unfortunately kids dont get to choose. If mom is found to be a fit parent and not causeing the childs distres, then there would not be a change in custody. 

[pbpunisher]

If the child is acting this way, there must be some reason for it. Have you or your husband ask her why she does not want to go hom with her mother? I think a request for a psychological assesment, and some consoling would be in order here. I agree finding out how she's doing in school is very important. It's very difficult to change custody. You will have to prove the mother is unfit.