Bio-mom filed for full custody

[Delsora]

I'm a stepmom to an 11-year-old boy.  His grandpa took care of him while his dad went to school, and they've only now gotten around to releasing that guardianship.

So my fiance (getting married in two months) went up to attend the court hearing releasing guardianship.  Bio-mom served fiance with papers for physical custody immediately after. 

How worried should I be?  Stepson has been living with us full-time for1.5 years.  We live in a beautiful house in a nice neighborhood with a good school, chosen specifically to provide a good life for him.  Bio-mom lives with her mom in a shack of house, has no job, has been on and off  of drugs, has been incarcerated, and pays NO CS.  She quit her job, got on financial aid, and had CS reduced to $0 immediately after it was filed. She stopped calling stepson once her CS was reduced to $0.  She is allowed supervised visitation with drug testing, but hasn't exercised it.  She doesn't have a driver's license.  She has no custody of any of her other children except the one she just birthed.  She goes through men like I go through socks AND introduces them to her kids.  Stepson was taken away from her when he was four.

Fiance thinks she is asking for a pony so she can get a dog.  He's going to press for the same - supervised visitation with drug testing.

What should we be documenting?

I've been looking through the papers she filed, and it's pretty sad.  She's misspelled her own son's name, has the dates incorrect for when he came to live with us (off by over a year), and has our address incorrect.

Isn't she supposed to list a reason for why stepson should live with her?  Or is this not necessary after a release of guardianship?

We're requesting the venue be changed to our county, considering how long he has lived with us.  She doesn't have a license or a car, so I'm wondering if she will still pursue this if we get the switch.

My fiance is considering bypassing the mediation and going straight to court.  He is not happy with her.

She's requesting a CASA worker, and I'm baffled as to how this would help her.  Stepson DOES want to go live with her (because she has no rules), but no one else in his life knows who she is!  She also has a record with CPS...

Suggestions?

[Ref]

I would get all legal docs showing the supervised visitation with drug testing, your child's school records (to show how long he has been enrolled), any docs showing the loss of custody including letters or emails from her mentioning it. I would look up her public record and see if there have been any drug arrests/loss of license and put that in your pack, any documentation regarding her run ins with CPS. If it relates to your SS, you DF should be able to get it directly from CPS.

I would leave out the issues with the men. That wouldn't matter if she was a good mom. (Bad choices, but not enought to take the kid away).

You will have to respond to her filing and I would bring up her lack of visitation and drug testing, her losing her other children and having SS taken away and her lack of a drivers license and car (so long as you know that for sure). This will give you a better idea of what she is fighting for.

You could also counter sue for CS if you really wanted. If you are going back to court for visitation/custody anyway, I don't see why this isn't a valid time to try to get an increase in support. There is no way a man would get 0 child support. Even if it is $10/month, it is still something to go towards your SS. I would say you could get minimum wage imputed.

Anyway, good luck. I don't think this would be so hard to fight, but I understand your stress.

Ref

[Delsora]

Thanks so much for your advice, Ref.  I've written everything down.  I'll check on those public records ASAP.

I'd love to counter-sue for child support, but unfortunately she is on financial aid right now, and the court told us that this is an automatic ruling for $0.  She has an arrears balance of a couple hundred from before she went on financial aid, but I don't know that she's obligated to pay that immediately since she doesn't have a job and is getting $$ from the government.

In his counter-filing, fiance wants to stipulate that she pay for the supervised visitation and the drug-testing.  I'm wondering if this would make him look too disagreeable?  Should we offer to pay for some of it?  Honestly, I feel the less SS sees of her, the better off he is.  On the other hand, we DO want him to be happy, and if seeing her really makes him happy, well...what're you gonna do?

If she's going to talk to him on the phone, I'd really like to stipulate some sort of regular schedule - can you do that?  She calls extremely sporadically, with no contact stretching for months at a time.  SS is always running to get the phone and 99.9% of the time it's just a telemarketer.  I feel the inconsistency is emotionally damaging.

Thank you again!  I really really appreciate it.

[Ref]

I don't think there is anything wrong with starting out asking for her to pay for supervised visitation and drug tests. Be ready for the judge to order you to split the bill, though.

As far as the phone goes, I don't think it would be bad to have a schedule for her to call your home and allow your SS to call her whenever he wants. The problem is, that doesn't mean that she HAS to call your SS. It only states when she is limited to calling. The only thing you can do is give your SS the tools to handle the disappoitment. I would try to keep from making a big deal when she doesn't call and if he gets upset, I would let him know that sometimes people that love you very much can disappoint you, but it doesn't mean that they love you any less.

I really hope it doesn't come to all this for you, but if it does, try not to worry too much. You guys will be fine.

Best wishes,
Ref

[janM]

Just 2 cents here....

I know how much you care for this boy, and you're helping your fiance with the research, etc, but when you go to court....STAY IN THE BACKGROUND. If the judge gets any inkling that you're over-involved, it won't go well for dad. There are only 2 parties here, and they are the PARENTS. Even if you were married to dad, you still wouldn't (and won't) have any LEGAL say in the child's life.

Try to get used to saying, "Dad", "he" "his son" in case you are called to testify. If you are asked about something in your home, you can say "our" but when it comes to the child, it's "Dad does so and so"....get it? If you say, in court, "I'd really like to stipulate some sort of regular schedule" it will go over like a lead balloon. You're not even married, and not a party to the case, YOU can't stipulate anything.

Just a heads up, I've heard of cases where an "overstepping step" has cost Dad custody. Be aware of what you say.

The CASA is a good thing, if (s)he does the job right. That may very well backfire on Mom. When dad talks to the CASA, just have him present the evidence, voice his concerns, but don't bash Mom. Keep to the facts. There is an article on this site about custody evaluations and how to handle them. Mom may think that the CASA is supposed to push for the child's wishes. They should only be concerned with his best interest.

Also, Dad may not get the venue changed if Mom still lives there. As for her filing for custody, you would think she would have done that when Gpa had guardianship. Dad has status quo on his side.

Keep us posted.

[Delsora]

Thanks for the advice, janM and Ref.  janM, I would never even dream of saying anything like that in court, but I appreciate you pointing it out.  I'm always very aware of that line and not crossing it.  Although I toe the line at home because I think that my stepson deserves two parents (and the financial, emotional, and moral support that goes along with that), I would never presume to dictate anything, especially in a court of law!  As an introvert, I prefer to work behind the scenes anyways.

I have full confidence in my fiance's abilities to articulate himself in court and to not bash the bio-mom.  He has never said a bad word about the bio-mom in front of my stepson and discourages others from doing so as well.

The hearing for the change of venue is coming up in a couple of weeks.  We're crossing our fingers that it gets moved to our county.

Right now we are encountering some difficulties because both BM and her sister have been encouraging my stepson to run away from home and to say he is being abused.  So far, CPS, the counselor, the teacher, and the police have seen straight through this, but it is really taking a toll on our home life.  We are documenting all of this.

Ref, we've obtained copies of the bio-mom's criminal cases.  Thank you for suggesting this!  My future father in law has kept in contact with the CPS caseworker who worked with bio-mom and removed the children from her care.  We also have an admission from the bio-mom that she relapsed recently and conceived her most recent child while on drugs.

Haven't heard any update on the CASA, but I hope we get one.  I definitely think it would backfire.

She's in arrears to my fiance for child support for the couple months before she got it reduced to $0.  Would this be helpful to bring to court?  She also owes over $10K to the state for child care.  Do you think this is relevant at all?

[janM]

Right now we are encountering some difficulties because both BM and her sister have been encouraging my stepson to run away from home and to say he is being abused.  So far, CPS, the counselor, the teacher, and the police have seen straight through this, but it is really taking a toll on our home life.  We are documenting all of this.

Wow, she is really shooting herself in the foot with that. She will not get custody if she is a) putting the boy in the middle and b) sabotaging the relationship between father and son. A CP is supposed to support it.

Can Dad reinforce to his son that he could get in trouble for running away, and that he should tell Mom no? I know it would be hard for son to do that...

Make sure you subpoena all the professionals who see through it.

[Delsora]

Just to update, the change of venue hearing went well.  BM showed up, but didn't read the papers (it was on the same page as date and time!), so was unaware it was a hearing to change venue.

Venue was changed as a matter of course - since stepson has been living with us in our county for 18 months.

She tried to submit some crumpled up papers with chicken scratch.  The judge had to tell her that he could not accept them and they had to be submitted to my fiance first so he could have a chance to respond.

Soon after the hearing, she called my fiance wanting to make a deal with him - every other weekend visitation supervised by her mom.  We pay for drug testing.  I told my fiance to document her phone call, since this shows she can't actually believe that her son is being abused.

We're not opposed to visitation, we just want it to be safe, so it looks like we'll be able to settle this in mediation.

Another thing - she stipulated "for the next six months" on that deal.  She believes that in six months, when stepson turns 12, he is allowed to choose where he wants to live.  ?!?!?

*sigh*  This whole thing is ridiculous, and now we're $700 in the hole for court fees.  Fiance is all for letting her think what she will, but I'm wondering if we should just tell her - it is making our home life difficult (stepson keeps saying he is moving out when he gets in trouble, or that he is going to use us grounding him as "evidence") and I really don't want to pay more court fees if she decides to file again in six months.

I just want this to be over.

[ocean]

Does your state allow you to record phone calls? I would if it is legal in your state. Why should you pay for her drug testing? If she wants to visit, she pays and passes the test. The mediator should tell her that custody will not switch at age 12 because the child wants especially with her record.

This will not be over anytime soon so try to do most of it yourself so the costs stay low. If you think you can do a hearing alone, you can try. Many of us spent thousands of dollars already. It adds up quick. In some instances you may be able to ask for laywer fees if she stalls or keeps filing frivolously.

You guys are doing the right thing. Set you rules in your house and have your DH be the one to tell and enforce them with his son. He should not be allowed to talk that way. You can have a little talk that his mother is not in the position to take care of him full-time. Maybe a little counseling if he is getting out of hand now will help? This way it is someone else telling him that his behavior is not okay and will help your DH with some boundaries.

You need to have time away from talking and dealing with court stuff. We dealt with it the week before court and as is basis all other times. Court can consume you, so keep documenting but go on with your life.