What Is One To Do?

[belle]

I went over to pick up my stepsons Sunday night for supper and biomom said to come in.(They have a HUGE dog that was trying to get out the door).  Neither my husband or I have ever been inside.  So I go in and OMG it was DISGUSTING in their house.  I'm not talking about messy.  I mean FILTHY, crap EVERYWHERE, and stunk so bad that it made me nauseated instantly. 

Let me give you a bit of a rundown on how these kids live on a daily basis and what's been going on with them.  This is only a small portion as it would take days to lay it all out there.

I kid you not when I say they are at the doctors office at least 2 times a month.....sometimes more but NEVER less.  At night when my husband calls them or they call him its late.  They are just starting homework at 8:30 and 9:00.  Most of the time they haven't even eating supper at 9:00.  They also go days without having a bath.  We already knew that they didn't take baths everynight but a couple of months ago J's(9) teacher said that some of the kids call him the "stinky boy".  My husband has talked to him constantly about making sure that he takes a bath everynight even if mom doesn't tell him to.  Every time they come over they are filthy, hair and fingernails disgustingly long, and omg...their fingernails have so much dirt under them that it literally looks like they haven't washed their hands in months.  Don't even get me started on their clothes.  Unreal!  They have missed so much school that the school called mom on it.

Now, D(7) is gonna be held back in the second grade because his teacher said that there is no way he could pass the 3rd grade.  He's always been defiant but he's gotten just about out of control.  Mom calls dad all of the time for him to "talk" to D because he won't listen to her. There is absolutely NO structure in these boys' lives...no set schedule, nothing.

At this rate, these kids don't have a hope in hell!  They've haven't had a descent home life since dad and Mom divorced.  She's moved so many times that it's not even funny to get away from whichever drug dealer she owed money to.  She's not on drugs anymore that we can tell.

That they live in the situation that they do, not even two blocks from us just kills us.  I was in tears last night after I picked them up.  I can't stand to see them living like that.  There is absolutely NO excuse for it.  None what so ever!

Our question.....what in the heck do we do?  She'd never voluntarily let husband have them and give up the money.  Husband pays 5.2 times AL state guidelines in CS.  He has no custody what so ever in their divorce papers.  All he gets is EOW...no holidays, nothing.  To say that she is difficult to deal with would be an extreme understatment.

They are growing up thinking that this kind of life is normal.  It's not!  And as much as I enjoy the fact that my girls are "grown" (13& 16) and I don't have to wait on them hand and foot anymore, for the boys sake we'd take them in a heartbeat.  It's absolutely heartbreaking seeing and knowing what they live like. 

I work for the board of education here and am off when the kids are out of school.   As it is, the boys stay at an extremely substandard "free" program when they aren't in school until 6:00-7:00 at night when mom decides to pick them up.  My husband has a very good job and we have a wonderful home with plenty of space.  The boys already have their own rooms and space here.  We can expose them to all sorts of great extracuricular activities that would help them to become more rounded individuals and give them an all around better life.  At the present, they don't participate in any sports, scouts, etc., because mom says that she can't afford it.  That is a blatant lie.  She just doesn't want to be bothered.

Dad is going to try to talk her into letting him have them for the summer although I don't see her letting that happen.

He's even said that if she would give him custody, he would continue to pay her CS for a year.

We just don't know what to do.  What are y'alls opinions or advice.

[teacher98]

Document everything. Phone calls, condition of the children when you see them, get school records, medical records, etc. The letters on here are very helpful with gaining access to those things.  Has CPS ever been called on Mom?  Does the teacher think it is necessary? Make the call yourself if you feel they are being neglected.  Start building a case with these things first.  The poor school attendance and teacher's comments are good evidence against mom's ability to raise these boys alone. Have your husband request to her, in writing, a more equitable schedule such as every other week in the summer since  you say you live so close with an agreement to keep CS the same.  Maybe you can continue it into the next school year. If you can get mom to agree to that on her own, then you have a better chance of gaining more custody through the courts in the future.  And of course, if you feel the kids are in immediate danger, file for emergency temp. custody. But from what it sounds like, she is overwhlemed with life and needs some parenting skills. Maybe full weeks with you in the summer will teach the boys better hygiene and free up time for mom to clean her house.  Read through the posts on this board and private message someone. I think many others would have some better advice for you. Good luck.

[belle]

Thank you so much for your response. We start doing what you have suggested.

[pbpunisher]

I'm not sure how it works in Alabama, but here if he has standard visitation, he's allowed to have half the summer. If the house is as bad as you say, I would call CPS immediately and let them do an investigation. They will show up at the house unannounced, they will go to the school and interview the children. First thing I would do is find a good attorney fast. I would at the minnimum get a visitation order in place. If he's been involved, paying his support there's no way in heck that he won't get at least non custodial visitation.