Out of state.. need assistance...

[Sunshinestate]

Hello all-- been a while.. used to be Sunshine1, I had to re-register

I have a very complex issue that has arose and I need to know the options and opinions.

My ex has had a come to Jesus moment and was in a severe car accident, completely recovered and no lasting injuries and was gone from work for like a week.  In that time off his wife had decided an almost death was long enough not to see his children and made contact (after no contact for almost 5 years)

I agreed it was best for all that this should happen.. however I really didn't think it would go anywhere as the relationship he has with me is very volitile and REFUSES to speak to me about anything.  Everything was arranged and done through his wife, it wasn't even his idea to start seeing his children.  In the last year I had lost my job, and ultimately have lost our housing because it is too expensive.  I had been arranging for the last 3 months for any options available, and an angel lent out a hand to help but it involved relocating to another state.

The kids were/are excited to go, I will have a job, and can surely afford the new housing.  I was not forthcoming with their dad at first because everything was up in the air.  I finally got everything lined up and I told him our plans and he lost it.  I do understand his anger after just starting to rekindle a relationship with his kids, and then we have to move, but I truly and honestly have no other alternative.  I am not moving to strain his relationship, I have offered everything but a reversal of custody.  Under the circumstances of no contact after 5 years, and a special needs child, that is just something I am not going to agree to. Plus the children don't want it.

He has threatened to stop me, but won't if I agree to  50/50 custody, no child support and a list of other things (that are doable for extended visits)  If I stayed, he wouldnt change anything. To me this sounds like blackmail? Need opinions my friends.

What do I need to do to move?  I never even thought about it because he had no contact and really didn't give a hoot what or where we were.  Now he wants to make this as difficult as possible.  I am honestly making a move not to make his life miserable but to better ours.  My decree does not stop me from moving but the state statute says I must inform him and if he objects I must make a motion to get permission to leave the state.

Thoughts.. comments.. thanks

[ocean]

Well, then make the motion in court and state reasons" no job..new job in new state, loosing housing..(get proof) have new housing lined up, children want to move. Then when you get there, you need to prove why the move would be better for your children.
How often is father seeing children? How old are the children? If they are old enough, they can voice their own opinion either themselves or through a law guardian.
How fast do you need to move? Send him a certified letter stating your intentions and why (very business like) and ask him to give you a visitation plan according to the new school districts calendar and that you will make every effort for the kids to keep rebuilding the relationship that they just restarted.
Good luck!

[Sunshinestate]

So far their father has only seen them a total of 5 visits.  They just graduated to a full weekend overnight.  It has been going ok.  I talked to his wife last night and he (dad) has (just like I thought he would) badgered the 12 year old into choosing what he wants to do and has laid some pretty heavy burdens on him.  I knew this would happen, but I couldn't stop it from happening.

The children are 12 and 11.  I have asked for a plan, and he wants a minimum of flying them back and forth, every 2 months and every vacation the kids get out of school and the entire summer. If I dont agree to dropping the child support, he won't agree to this plan and will fight for me to stay.

[Kitty C.]

Sunshine!  It's good to hear from you again!  And I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this again.  I wish I had some words of encouragement, but if their father wants to push the issue, I'm afraid you won't have any choice but to answer in court.

If you do end up in court, I would stand positively firm in that he must prove that he will be as attentive to the needs of your special needs child as you are....and from the history I remember, I don't think he's ever done that.  I would demand he show a history to the court that he can and will take care of the child, go to appts., etc. and not pass that off on his wife, regardless of how good at it she might be.  This may mean a graduated visitation plan...which is something I would insist on anyway, given that he's been virtually absent for the past 5 years.

If you can get this accomplished and he can't follow through, it could prove to the court that he was only doing this to get back at you in the first place......which is my impression of the current situation.

BTW, I'm no longer at the hospital but still with the U........PM me and let me in on the details!

[Davy]

I may be wrong but if a parent can demonstrate a substantial need like a job or a higher income that improves a child's standard of living in contrast to being vindictive, a new boyfriend, deter access to a child, or such then one increase their chances of prevailing.

You seem willing to increase access but , and this is just me, I would not let the other parent use a reduction of financial support (assuming you are not frivoulous) as a bargaing tool.

You appear well-founded.  Best to ya !

[Sunshinestate]

Thanks guys!  I can always count on my Sparc family for guidance.  Truly if there were a way to stay or an affordable place to live I would do it.  Each and every one of my family members is experiencing hardship as well with the exception of my parents.  The only things that he can really use against me is I have a smaller support system in the state I am going to... but I still have one? and the other is I don't actually have a job but the pickings are alot better than where I am at now, and I can't exactly get a job when I don't live there yet?  Anyone think I should actually have a start date for a job even though I have no idea how this will pan out?

I only "almost" agreed to a financial reduction for transportation costs because I thought that was fair since I was the one moving, but that doesn't guarantee he won't up and flake out and stop seeing them again? 

[Davy]

"The kids were/are excited to go, I will have a job, and can surely afford the new housing."

Just FYI,  I posted as though you had a job ready and waiting.  Apparently the kids think that as well.  I'd be very careful  NOT to present yourself to a court in the same manner.

[Sunshinestate]

Ahh, well that can be arranged.  I will get a job before I file my motion.