Introduction

[Momfortwo]

Just wanted to introduce myself and there isn't a board for that purpose, so I chose this one.  I don't want to get into too much detail for obvious reasons, but I have been divorced for almost 3 years (we split a year before the divorce was final) and have 2 young children.  I am the primary parent when it comes to my kids.   I live in the state of NJ. 

[gemini3]

Just curious momfortwo, and since you were kind enough to introduce yourself, I thought I would ask.  You have been on this board for almost five months.  In that time you have made 110 posts - 109 of them in response to others questions or advice.  Since your other post was an introduction - you have yet to post a question of your own.  You're a CP... no step kids.  You refer to yourself not as the "custodial parent", but as the "primary parent".  (Which I guess makes the other parent, what, secondary?)

I took a moment to read the posts of yours that I haven't read yet... and it struck me that you seem to have very little compassion for, or understanding of, the plight of the NCP.  You have made a lot of bold statements, a lot of judgement calls, and given a lot of questionable advice - so I have to ask what gives you the credibility to be giving such advice?  Besides your "opinion".  What experience do you have that you can offer NCP's on this board?

A lot of what you have written is pretty disturbing, as it mirrors what a lot of NCP's hear from hostile CP's on a daily basis.  You don't seem to need any help co-parenting, since you appear to have all the answers and none of the questions... so I'm just wondering - why are you here?

[Momfortwo]

Just curious momfortwo, and since you were kind enough to introduce yourself, I thought I would ask.  You have been on this board for almost five months.  In that time you have made 110 posts - 109 of them in response to others questions or advice.  Since your other post was an introduction - you have yet to post a question of your own.  You're a CP... no step kids.  You refer to yourself not as the "custodial parent", but as the "primary parent".  (Which I guess makes the other parent, what, secondary?)

I took a moment to read the posts of yours that I haven't read yet... and it struck me that you seem to have very little compassion for, or understanding of, the plight of the NCP.  You have made a lot of bold statements, a lot of judgement calls, and given a lot of questionable advice - so I have to ask what gives you the credibility to be giving such advice?  Besides your "opinion".  What experience do you have that you can offer NCP's on this board?

A lot of what you have written is pretty disturbing, as it mirrors what a lot of NCP's hear from hostile CP's on a daily basis.  You don't seem to need any help co-parenting, since you appear to have all the answers and none of the questions... so I'm just wondering - why are you here?

I had a snide comment all typed out.  I think I will just stick with this one:

You clearly have an agenda.  One I don't care to participate in. 

But I will give you a little advice.  People aren't always going to agree with you.  Accept it.  As that is life and nothing you can do about it. 

[teacher98]

I agree gemini.  I have wondered myself what Momfortwo's purpose was on these boards.  I am all for healthy debate and seeing issues from both sides, however, since the purpose of this webpage is to support meaningful relationships with BOTH parents and most people are here to get help with furthering that relationship because, typically, (not always) the CP is the one that deters that relationship with the NCP, I don't feel that many of mom's posts are in any way helpful.  I realize we all come here with our own stories and experiences, but let's remember that this is 2009 and families come in all forms and the best family a child can have is equal access to two parents-a mom and a dad and the families that extend. If both parents live within reasonable driving distance to school and neither is a convicted criminal, everything else is petty "bull...." and needs to be put aside in the best interests of kids.  I am guilty of this at times, and need to remember what really matters. 

As a teacher, I rarely see 2 parents in the home with a SAHM and the dad at work. Many of my families are 2 parent families working and the kids get shifted around from daycare to grandmas to the neighbors or stay home alone all in ONE WEEK! No judge gets in the way of that and says that those children shouldn't be with both of their parents.  Why is it not okay for children of broken homes to go back and forth and be taken care of by 2 families and family friends that care for and love them? It is not a freaking competition of what parent can take better care of a child.  It is a team effort and BOTH parents need to step up to the plate every single time and work together. My Nana's old phrase "kill em with kindness" works for adults too. If the CP or NCP would start practicing that, then maybe we would get somewhere in this world. We could share our kids as equally as possible and remember that most of these kids are product of a love that once was and they have 2 parents that love them and deserve to share in their lives as equally as possible.

In my classes, I have had many students who had/have alternating weekly schedules or 2/2/5/5 schedules.  They miss assignments, they forget things, but no more or less than ANY OTHER CHILD in my class. The children with an issue are typically in a situation where the parents are working AGAINST each other instead of WITH each other.  They have different teachers and coaches and church, etc, so they are constantly learning different rules and cue switching. So I am so tired of hearing all the petty excuses of why kids can't switch between both of THEIR homes!

I am a step-mom (wife of a NCP who would like to be a 50/50 parent), soon-to-be bio mom, step-daughter, bio-daughter, sister of a step/bio mom, sister of a step/bio dad, sister of NCP and sister of a CP. Friend of all.

[gemini3]

You're right, I do have an agenda.  To make shared parenting the presumption in all custody cases, and to help NCP's who are being held hostage by their ex's or having difficulty getting access to their children.  My agenda is to change the current thinking so that there's no "winner" or "loser" in custody cases - because the real loser is the child.  That you don't care to participate in that is what I was wondering about, which was the reason for my question.

I don't care if you agree with me or not.  I care that you're discouraging NCP's who are having a rough enough time of things as it is.  I care that your advice often includes "if you don't like it go back to court" - which often is not feasible for many people after spending tens of thousands of dollars fighting for their children - or trying to live on 75% of their pre-tax income.  Hostile CP's often take that stance.  "If you don't like it you can take me to court."  They have control of the kids so they feel they can do as they wish because they know that the only way for the NCP to really do anything about it is to take them to court - and they know that the courts are often in the CP's favor.

You still haven't answered my question about why you're here - but you don't have to.  Your posts make that clear.

[Momfortwo]

You're right, I do have an agenda.  To make shared parenting the presumption in all custody cases, and to help NCP's who are being held hostage by their ex's or having difficulty getting access to their children.  My agenda is to change the current thinking so that there's no "winner" or "loser" in custody cases - because the real loser is the child.  That you don't care to participate in that is what I was wondering about, which was the reason for my question.

And I don't agree that the presumption of 50/50 physical is in the child's best interest.  You can have 2 fit parents and a child who simply cannot handle that type of arrangement.  Children aren't robots, they are individuals.  The individual child needs to be looked at.  And I really admire the parents who do that.  Unfortunately, I rarely see that.  Even in this forum.  It's too much about the rights of the parents than it is about the rights of the child. 

As is evidenced by your refusal to see that the father who is insisting on attending his kids' soccer games on his ex's week-end KNOWING FULL WELL that the child won't be able to participate is wrong for what he is doing, just like the mother is.  That isn't about the child, that's about the father's rights.  And the child is losing as a result.  Sometimes, being a parent means ignoring your rights and doing what is right for the child.  A personal example, when my youngest was younger, she had a very hard time being away from me for a whole week-end.  And if she saw me at my son's soccer games on my ex's week-end, she would have a complete meltdown.  I stopped going because it was not in her best interest that I be there.   It made it too hard for her.  Now, it doesn't appear to be an issue.  But if it still is, I am not going to go.  Why?  Because my kids come first.  Over my right to be there. 

But you are right, when a child is thrust into something that s/he cannot handle because there is a presumption that the child should be with the other parent 50% of the time, the child is losing.  Just like a child who can handle being with the both parents 50% of the time and clearly wants it is denied that because there is a presumption that is hard to overcome.

My ex and I don't have issues because we are able to set aside our differences and get along for the sake of the kids.  Neither one of us makes it about what our rights are.  Because, in the scheme of things, our rights aren't necessarily in the kids' best interest. 

And if the NCP doesn't like it, the ONLY option is to either live with it or go to court (and in the motion, request mediation).   Because if the CP is doing something that s/he doesn't agree with and it isn't addressed in the court order, those are the ONLY options. 

My posts make it clear that I am about doing what is in the child's best interest.  Just because you don't agree doesn't mean they are about anything else. 

[CuriousMom]

I think as 2 grown adults(who are also parenting children and yet acting this way), should both at this point agree to disagree and move on.  Everyone is entitled to their own opinion regardless of what the rest of us think.  It's whether you're adult enough to handle it.

Not pointing fingers at either but for the sake of the rest of us, let it go.

[Kitty C.]

Very good point, gemini..........

Gemini:  'You're right, I do have an agenda.  To make shared parenting the presumption in all custody cases, and to help NCP's who are being held hostage by their ex's or having difficulty getting access to their children.'

Momfortwo:  'And I don't agree that the presumption of 50/50 physical is in the child's best interest.  You can have 2 fit parents and a child who simply cannot handle that type of arrangement.'

That is the biggest difference.  On this forum, we emphasize shared parenting and parents working together.  NOWHERE in gemini's post did she say anything about 50/50.  Shared parenting is what can be worked out between the parents.  If that ends up being 50/50, then that's is what works for that particular family.  Often, it is some other combination that the parents are able to work out to the benefit of the children.

The one thing I have NEVER been able to figure out is why opponents have such a hang-up on 50/50, especially a week-by-week exchange.  In a scenario of 50/50, children only have to go between homes ONCE A WEEK.  Whereas any other arrangement automatically means two or more.  Teacher98 said it right:  'Many of my families are 2 parent families working and the kids get shifted around from daycare to grandmas to the neighbors or stay home alone all in ONE WEEK! No judge gets in the way of that and says that those children shouldn't be with both of their parents.  Why is it not okay for children of broken homes to go back and forth and be taken care of by 2 families and family friends that care for and love them?'

Exactly......if so many other kids from intact homes are doing it on a regular basis, why is it NOT okay for kids with separated parents?

What we promote here is the parents setting aside their differences and/or hatred for each other and work together for the children.  Learning to co-parent.  We try to be positive about it and want to emphasize working things out instead of involving the family court system that has a notorious history of creating more harm than good when left to make the decisions for the families if they cannot work them out themselves.

I truly believe that if separating/divorcing parents go into the court process knowing that they will have to share physical custody with each other (mandated presumption of shared joint custody), then it takes a lot of the animosity out of the situation from the get-go.  Start with 50/50 and work from there.  No, it will not work for everyone all of the time and that's a given, but if the courts forced the parents to work together instead of against each other, the children will win every time.

[Giggles]

Kitty & Gemini I couldn't agree more!!  My X and I did 50/50 (week on/off) and our daughter was the ultimate winner.  We divorced when she was 18 months old and now she's 17.  She's an honor roll student, takes all AP classes and will be going off to college next year knowing she has always had the love and support of BOTH her parents.  My X and I made sure we put HER needs before our own.

Prior to our divorce, the court made us take a class regarding children of Divorced parents.  It taught us how to get along for the benefit of the chilren and I think it should be mandatory for all divorcing parents.

We can all agree that 50/50 may not work for everybody, but it should be the starting point in every case!!

[Momfortwo]

Kitty & Gemini I couldn't agree more!!  My X and I did 50/50 (week on/off) and our daughter was the ultimate winner.  We divorced when she was 18 months old and now she's 17.  She's an honor roll student, takes all AP classes and will be going off to college next year knowing she has always had the love and support of BOTH her parents.  My X and I made sure we put HER needs before our own.

Prior to our divorce, the court made us take a class regarding children of Divorced parents.  It taught us how to get along for the benefit of the chilren and I think it should be mandatory for all divorcing parents.

We can all agree that 50/50 may not work for everybody, but it should be the starting point in every case!!

Every case?  Even ones that involve violence?  Sorry, but I think that the status quo should remain.  If one parent has been primary, to change that abruptly on top of the parents splitting will only add more problems.  Obviously, the older the child the less likely this is.  If the parents want to try 50/50 physical, it would be better to work up to it rather than thrust a child into it.  Especially if the child(ren) are really young. 

I know that for my kids, had that happened, they would not have done well at all.  Even now, they would have a problem with it.  Not to the extent that they would have 4 years ago, but they would still have issues with it.  It would work well for me as it would give me more time to concentrate on rebuilding my career. 

In my kids case, if they were thrust into a week on week off situation, they would be the losers.