please give me your input...

[marykay123]

I have a 16 yr old DD who i have had custody of since birth. Father did not have any involvment until she was 9. There is a visitation court order in place however, i do allow her to see dad on "off" days too. Just for the asking. She wants to go live with her dad. Only because it's "FUN" time at dad's house. They get her on the weekends so they don't have to worry about homework/dinner/showers by a certain time in order for school the next day. They do races/hunting/camping/boating and the list goes on. Well i can't do this stuff because we have studies to do when she gets home from school during the week and then weekends she's off to dads.  If you ask DD why she wants to live with dad she will tell you "There is nothing to do here" and "she gets blamed for everything"..but if you ask my other child she says "she gets blamed for everything". Which i expect ALL brothers/sisters to say this kind of stuff.

We do have a IEP in place as DD has learning problems. I have a statement from the school that states that i am very activitly involved with her education/emails teachers/makes sure assignments are completed and so on.  DD wants to stay in this district HOWEVER where her dad lives is in another district. I also have documentation that her dads house was in forclosure for $45000. , her dad only works maybe two weeks a month, and can't read.

I have tried to offer them all summer visitation as long as he was with me during the school year and weekend visits with dad but NO GO. So off to court we go. Do you think i'm going to lose my daughter because it's more fun at her dads house??

[Giggles]

Probably NOT....especially if you take all your documentation from the school.  Most likely it will end up in mediation...OR you could have a "conditional" agreement that say DD stays with Dad for 3 months, if in that time, grades dip below a certain average, the agreement goes void and custody reverts back to you.

See kids always think the grass is greener on the other side, but once they get there and realize it's the same...they tend to want to come back.

Stand your ground on this one!!

[gemini3]

I disagree with Giggles.

Would it be terrible if your daughter went to live with her father?  After all, he is her father, and she has lived with you for 16 years.  I think that it might be a good experience for her to see what living with him would be like.  The relationship girls have with their fathers is very important to how they relate to men when they are older and looking for a partner.  Right now she idolizes her father because he is all fun, and she doesn't have to navigate the day to day nitty-gritty with him.  It's highly unlikely that this would be the case if she lived with him, and it would probably be good for her to see things from the other side.  If anything, I think she might end up seeing him more realistically and seeing you in a more positive light as well.

If you say no to her she will always wish that she had been given the opportunity to live with her dad.  In a year or two years she will be able to go no matter what you say - and better she do it with your blessing than out of spite and resentment towards you.

[janM]

her dad only works maybe two weeks a month, and can't read.

The bolded part bothers me. What if she does go to live with him, and her grades plummet? You say she has an IEP. I don't think I'd risk her education going down the tubes because she didn't have educational support at home. Not to mention changing her school.

If you oppose this, and the judge asks her why she wants to live with dad (some judges will do this, at her age), how much weight do you think "it's more fun there" is going to have? I would think she'd need a better reason than that.

If you both agree and file an agreed entry, it's another story. Is Dad pushing for it too?

[marykay123]

actully it's not dad who wants it. This is all his wife. Everything has to be ran by her first.  DD DOES NOT WANT to change schools. She wants to stay in this district and to do that it would mean she has to have residence in this distict. She does have a IEP because she is ADHD/dyslexic/ and being tested for ODD.

[Kitty C.]

Then does she understand that Dad would have to move into the district in order to do that?  That if Dad can't or won't move, she would have to go to another school district?  I think that's all it boils down to.  Because it sounds to me that either she doesn't understand that concept or it hasn't been explained to her.  I would not move forward on anything unless and until she can deal with that.

Having an IEP shouldn't be factored into the equation.  IEP's transfer from one district to another.  DS had a 504 in middle school and an IEP in high school.  He could have even taken it to the tech school he went to if he wanted to, but he chose not to.  It can also be transferred to any university or community college and revised to accomodate.

If any changes were to be made, you can request that the father guarantee that any and all testing and treatment she needs would be followed through on and if he failed to do that, custody would revert back to you.  But this is a moot point if she can't get past the location issue.  Otherwise, I would recommend at least a modification that would allow Dad to have more time with her.  There is a special bond between fathers and daughters and it sounds like she's wanting more of that......what she and many don't realize is that she needs that in order to grow into a well-rounded young woman.

I will be 48 years old in a week...my father died in 1991 at the young age of 64.  But I will forever be a Daddy's girl.  I can't even begin to describe what that relationship is like, but it is very unique.  And it took me almost 20 years before I found someone who could come close to what I was looking for in a man...and it was only my father who formed that image for me.  I tell you this partly to convey the depth of feeling that can be expressed in this kind of relationship...and just because this is a relationship that needs to be fostered.  And I am obviously biased to a point......

[ocean]

At 16 she will be asked what she wants to do but like the other poster said, she cant pick her school. Have you asked her: Do you want to move in with Dad and change schools? If the answer is No, then ask her when/how do you want extra time there? She already goes every weekend and most of her summer? Isnt the summer break soon?

[marykay123]

yes school is over for in two days. I think it all boils down to racing and hunting. I also have an email that states that too from her dad's wife.

[Kitty C.]

It doesn't make any difference........if she's adamant that she will not change school districts, it's all a moot point.  Unless Dad is willing to move to the district.  Once you get that issue resolved, then you'll have a better idea which direction to head.