Feeling defeated

[teacher98]

I just need a place to vent. My fiance and I just feel like throwing in the towel. My soon to be step son has been asking to have more time with dad since he was about 4. He had the typical EOWeekend schedule, however, during the summer it has been EOWeek for the past 3 summers.  Last summer, many changes took place.  Mom got a new house which meant a new school. We bought a house within 10 minutes of both his new house and school. A new sibling was born at mom's house and a few other minor details.  During this time, SS got his hopes up that mom would agree to alternate weeks the whole year, but he also had several meltdowns at her house with all of the stress.  Needless to say, she blamed all of the meltdowns on me and my fiance and threatened to go back to the original parenting time which was very minimal and put into place when SS was an infant.  He is now 9.  She cooled down a bit, sat down with SS and my fiance together.  She agreed to go EOWeek for school, but then said no once school started.  Summer is here again and we gave her a schedule for EOWeek with a few modifications (in her favor) since we will be on our honeymoon for a week. She said she would look at it but wanted to do shortened weeks for a while, since SS had such a hard time last summer.  We are just feeling so defeated.  We have been trying to work toward a 50/50 schedule without involving the courts,  but it seems the older SS gets and the more he wants to be with his dad, the more she pulls him back, talks bad about dad's decisions, and eliminates time with him. There have been so many issues since we moved so close. We thought things we get better and it hasn't.  My fiance just lost his job (he was in corporate finance) so our plans to have the courts sort it out are put on hold.  I am having such a hard time being a support to him when I sit back and watch him be so nice to her while he gets walked all over and treated like nothing more than a sperm donor and a paycheck.  We both feel like just giving her what she wants--let her have her son, collect her money, and to basically disappear from SS life.  She has a husband, a new baby, and another on the way but can't let issues from their teenage relationship go. They are almost 30 now, but my fiance seems to be the only one who can forgive and truly move on. There really is no question here.  I am just overwhelmed, disappointed, frustrated, and at the end of my rope.  I am tired of seeing this little boy who I love cry each weekend and wonder why his mom won't share him and even more tired of seeing the man that I love look totally defeated and ready to give up.  It is hard to stay positive and keep hopeful when nothing seems to be going the right way. Thanks for reading and letting me vent. 

[Davy]

Teacher98, thanks for venting ... you can vent all you want. 

All I can find to offer is encouragement along with hope and prayer for ya'll.  At times, prayers of other you don't even know can be effective.  If you have a prayer life it is effective to pray for yourselfs and child. (I found).  Count your many blessings each day and most important, which you seem to all ready practice, Do not let her sickness effect you as you DEPEND on each other and CONTINUE to move forward.  Be steady and things in life will come together.  I can tell by your writings. 

No matter how large your jurisdiction is ... you might consider presenting yourself (Dad) pro se' in court.  It is not as difficult as it might seem especially considering the age of the child and there has not been a change since the big boy was a baby.

Congrats for your upcoming marriage vows and new family definition.  I and many others on this board will be thinking of ya,  Best to ya and keep us posted.

[ksmarks]

I join with Davy, and encourage you to continue to vent, and be hopeful for a brighter future.

It is very difficult to watch those you love suffer, and feel completely powerless to assist. 

My prayer will be with you and your family as well!

K

[Kimberly9]

Please hang in there for your step-son's sake.  He is going to need your family and his Dad more than ever as he becomes a teenager.  I know it is painful to be hurt over and over.  It is horrible to watch the one you love get walked on.  But know that sticking it out for your step son is the right thing to do.    Don't ever bad-mouth Mom.  Just keep doing what you know is best.  Your step-son will see who he can count on.

You and your soon to be husband are the adults.   Please keep doing whatever you can to make it work. 

[teacher98]

Thanks to you all!!!  This summer is off to a bad start.  Fiance gave BM a suggested schedule-pretty equal but favoring BM in the end due to our wedding and such.  She emailed a schedule which was signiificantly less stating that SS had such a hard time last year and this shortened schedule will be better for him. Basically 5 days with dad 9 days with mom when the previous 3 summers have consisted of EOWeek and actually fiance got the first 2 consecutive weeks of the summer.  SS stated to my fiance that he wanted it equal.  Fiance emailed BM back saying he wants the 7 night schedule and so does SS. She called 3 days later before fiance was due to pick up SS and told him no. Fiance asked why and she brought up every excuse in the book on why and said he is lucky he is getting this and not just EOWeekend.  She says that I say things to SS but won't disclose that because "she isn't going to put him in the middle like that." She always brings up their TEENAGE past!!!  Says that if fiance would have been there from day one then he would have him equally now. They were teenagers. They argued all of the time and my fiance got to a point where he couldn't stand fighting with her and just let her have her way. Well she say that as walking away from their son.  Fiance and I believe that she is upset that their relationship didn't work out and now she punishes my fiance by limiting access to his son.  They haven't been together since SS was born. You would think she would have moved on by know considering she is married and has 2 babies.  The hardest thing is that when SS got here he immediately told us that his mom asked him what he wanted-5 or 7 days and he said 7. He said she kept asking him if that was really what he wanted and kept telling him she didn't think he truly wanted that and that she was telling dad it would be 5 days. Fiance really wants to work this out without the courts, but it seems we may just have to get an attorney.  When is enough enough?  How many times should he ask her?  She said he will never have their son year round and if he keeps asking she will go back to every other Sunday.  I just wish we had the answers on what to do to make this work and have this awesome kid in his other family equally.

[gemini3]

I personally think enough is enough when one person is using the child(ren) as pawns to punish and/or manipulate the other person with no regard to the affect this has on the child(ren).  Some people get a feeling of power when they can grant or deny another persons access to their own children, and they just can't help using that to manipulate - which is what it sounds like your fiance's ex is doing.  Your fiance has to show her that he won't tolerate it anymore.

She may also be having a hard time with the fact that he's getting married.  A lot of ex's just can't let go - even when they appear to have moved on.  My husbands ex is remarried, yet she still brings up stuff from their marriage.  They were seperated almost five years ago, and she's been remarried for more than two.  When my husband and I got married his ex went off the deep end for a while.  She has gotten better not (alhtough we still have our ups and downs), but it was really bad around the wedding.  She even tried to refuse to allow my husbands kids to participate in the wedding.

I think that there have been enough changes for your fiance to go back and ask that the visitation schedule be modified - if only the age of his son.   You could ask her to go to mediation as an alternative to court, but if she says no to that go to court and ask for the additional visitation.  In the meantime, document all of the times your fiance has requested time with his son and been denied.  If she denies phone calls document that as well.  This will support a request that dates and times for visitation be written in stone.  Maybe once she realizes that your fiance isn't just going to bend to her will every time she will change her tune.  Right now she's used to getting her way using these tactics, so that how she will behave.