Do I need to go to court for full custody?

[friendneedinghelp]

Hello.  I've been on a bit of a roller coaster ride for that past few days and want to touch bases with a few voices that can possibly give me some advice.


Quick rundown:  My ex and I divorced and both have remarried since then.  We share joint custody when we divorced and she kept the physical custody (where he lives most of the time and where he goes to school at).  She then moved out of state (this was arranged prior to her doing it) and I moved to a different state as well.  There have been many ups and downs throughout the past 4 years.  At one time my ex's husband threatened that he would take my son and make sur I would never see or hear from him again.  My ex moved away from him at that time (moved across country) only to find out she was pregnant and they later hooked up again (they never got divorced).

Basically my son is starting 2nd grade this year.  However he has moved and changed school 6 times (it may be seven, I would need to check that) since pre-school. He is slightly ADHD, and is enrolled witihn an IEP program at his schools.    One main issue they pointed out is that he has troubles adapting.  Constant change of scenery must have a big impact on this.  But, after all of this settled down for a bit, things were quiet.  The ex's husband no longer got on the phone to yell at me, and no longer harrassed me after her lawyer told him a while back that he needs to step back and quit acting like that.  So for about a year now, things have been okay.  There are always issues with money (for example we are to each pay half of the travel costs of plane tkts and unaccompanied minor fees.  Generally speaking, I have to pay for the tkt and then wait for months to get their payment back from them). 

Recently though, there really have not been a lot of issues aside from the money issues.  I pay my Child support early or on time.  It is never short, nor late.  But Monday night my ex's husband suffered from ODing on valium and alcohol.  She found him not breathing in the garage and gave CPR for 10 minutes until EMTs arrived.  She never addmitted to me before that he has had depression issues, and now mentioned it when her husband was in the hospital in a coma.  Today, he woke up, thankfully.  It actually sounds like he is going to make it, and that is a good thing (they have a 2 year old daughter together).  But now I am a bit concerned about all of this and what I should do next.

My ex talked to me yesterday and basically told me that she believes my son should come to live with me for the upcoming school year.  Then she told me what happened to her husband.  During that timeframe she was not sure if he was going to survive, as the doctors thought he had a heart attack and thought he had extensive damage to his heart and brain.  Now it looks to be clearly that everything is pointing at him ODing.  She admitted that she saw him take 2 valiums and he was drinking heavily. 

My son is nearly eight.  I have a stable home (we own our home), married, and we have a great family environment.  Right now the 'timing' is a bit touchy.  I don't want to just throw a lawyer in her face right after her husband came out of a 48 hour coma.  But I am very very concerned about this situation and think that the best choice for my son is to come stay with me.  Having the step-father OD and nearly die on prescription medication, is that even something the courts will look at?  To me it seems like something they would look at. 

Both my wife and I work, are stable, and don't plan to go anywhere anytime soon.  What should be my actions at this point?  Should I give her a few days and then discuss it with her? Should I find a lawyer right away?  What do you think should be done in this case? 

Thanks....

friendneedinghelp

[Giggles]

I think you should tread carefully at this point.  Your x is in a very un-stable emotional state at the present time going full guns with a custody suite could be very damaging to all involved.

I think you should be understanding and offer up support in the way of saying that you would love to have your son come there "no-strings attached".  Once he is with you for 6 months, THEN you could go for custody.  BUT.....You get more flies with honey than vinegar sort of thing!!

My daughter didn't meet her Bio-Father until she was 6 years old.  He walked out when I was pregnant and never wanted to know her.  It took the death of HIS father (DD was very close to her Pappy) for him to realize that he should have a relationship with her.  I could have said no and never let him see her, but would that have been best for HER??  NO.  As I'm typing this, she is spending the summer with her father (first time ever) and she is having a blast.  The point I'm trying to make, is that hopefully you and your X are able to use this time as a healing point for your relationship.  You don't necessarily have to be friends, you just BOTH need to put the NEEDS of your son first without hostility or animosity!!

Good Luck!!

[ocean]

Exactly what Giggles said..
Offer to go get son now...then once he is there, enroll him in school. Call your local school district and ask what they need for you to enroll him. You may need a notarized letter from mom (since she has primary custody) stating he is living with father.

[friendneedinghelp]

My son is already here for his summer visit.  We have an arrangement where he is here the entire summer. 
My ex and I actually have a great relationship, there is no fighting.  Sometimes she is a bit strange for her reasons on why she wants my son to stay with her (money so she can pay off her child support), but we don't fight. 

I will talk to her later on after things settle down.  I think she is starting to realize that it is best for him to be here.  I'm not trying to make it where she can never see her son, or anything like that.  I'm just simply trying to figure out how to handle this situation, and trying to figure out how the courts would look at this if it went to that situation.  I prefer to avoid the courts... but I'm worried I may have to switch things around later. 

I guess I'm just looking on advice for the entire situation.  Who knows, she may just allow me to keep him here like she mentioned earlier this week.  Right now, I'm glad that her husband looks like he may be pulling through.  I really do hope he's okay. 

[Kitty C.]

Having done the LD and UAM thing for over 10 years, I know what you're going through.  But in regards waiting to get reimbursed from her for her half of the ticket, I've got another idea.  Why not buy one way tickets?  There's an old adage:  'He who wants, fetches'.  Meaning if you want your son to come to you, you pay for that ticket and if she wants him to come back, she pays for that ticket.  As it is, UAM fees are only payable the date of the flight, so that would have to be paid by the parent putting him on the plane (unless they've changed that).

Just something to think about down the line.......especially since the process in your case might be reversed.  For instance, if you keep him for this school year and she wants him for Christmas or Spring Break, have her buy the one way ticket and send it to you.  At the same time, you buy the one way ticket back and send that to her (once you both have agreed to dates and times).  That way, it's still all tied up before any traveling is done and the costs are split evenly.

[Giggles]

Hi Kitty,

The airlines have changed when the the UAM fee can be paid.  DS's father is responsible for all transportation so he pays that fee upfront.

I've been trying to get him to fly DS on Southwest because they do not charge an UAM fee at all!!  I have such a hard time dealing with the other airlines (Northwest, Airtran, etc) because they are soo slow in getting a UAM checked in and passes to the gates.  With Southwest I have NEVER had a problem, their lines move soo fast and they don't have any extra baggage fees!!

[Kitty C.]

We always flew DS via United and never had a problem with them.  In fact, on one trip DS was to change planes at DIA, but there were problems going on to Sacramento.  They couldn't reach me at the time (I was out of cell range), but they called DS's dad and told him they would keep him at their passenger service center with personnel, feed him, and get him on the next plane available.  On that trip, they went above and beyond, but in all our dealings with them, they've been incredibly professional. 

We didn't start dealing with gate passes until after 9/11, but that was just one more form I had to fill out and they were prompt with that, too.  I guess my view might be kinda narrow...we always flew DS through O'Hare for his non-stop flights, but then flew him out of Eppley Field in Omaha once he was older...it was a 4 hour drive one-way for us either way.  So I'm sure it depends on how big an airport you're flying out of!

DS was usually one of the first to board, but always one of the last to get off, because he had to be escorted off by personnel.  We had a 'game' in that my last call to him before he came home, I would ask him 'Are you going to make me a bowling pin?' and his response was always 'Of course, Mommy!'  So I'd be there at the gate, waiting as all the other passengers got off, then see down the jetway a big person holding the hand of a little person.  About that same time, DS would see me and come at me at a dead run and practically bowl me over!  I always made sure to have my ID available to whip out easily (since DS would be 'attached' to me!) for the airline personnel to see.

Southwest doesn't charge UAM fees???  Do they still provide you with the form with the signatures of all the personnel who have had responsibility of the child?  Last I knew, UAM fees were $60 one way.......I suppose that's gone up, too?

[Giggles]

Yup...SouthWest doesn't charge for UAM's and YES, you still have to complete the paperwork, provide ID when picking up...the whole 9 yards !!  It's virtually the same as other airlines, they are the first on and typically, they are one of the first ones OFF as well!!  The only difference I see is if the UAM is under 12 they only allow them to fly NON-Stop.  Over 12 they can have flight changes.

As for the UAM fees for other airlines...I believe DS's father now pays $100 each way??  It's crazy!!

[Kitty C.]

Holy cow!!!  I'm glad we're not doing UAM anymore!  And an extra $200 for every round trip!  That's insane!

Unfortunately, Southwest doesn't even fly in my state!  Well, maybe over it, but they don't stop........  I've only used them once, and I had to drive 4 hours to Midway in Chicago to get there......

[Giggles]

OUCH...I'm lucky, all 3 airports near me have SW hubs.  I know they are branching out more and more up near the Chicago area...they now go into Minn/St. Paul as well as Milwaulkee.