Do I need to go to court for full custody?

[friendneedinghelp]

Well...

We talked a bit.  The ex"s husband is out of the hospital.  But it appears that he OD'd on Valium, Celexra(spelling?) and alcohol. On top of everything, he's been battling depression quite a bit.  But I am not for sure how long. 

Either way, I am not comfortable with this situation.  This is negligence and it involves drugs.  Prescription or not... this isn't something I want my son around. We talked about it a little bit, but I didn't want to press the issue last night.  She kept saying the same thing:  I can't afford to pay for daycare when you are at work (that isn't needed, as that is taken care of) and she said she could not afford to pay for child support.  Again, it is not needed, all I want is my son.  I asked her to pay for her half of the plane tickets whenever they came up, and she'd get the entire summer with him (just like I do). 

At this point, I really am trying to figure out what to do.  If she makes up her mind quickly I will pay the fee to get his current tkt changed to get him back to her so she can have him for the remainder of the summer.  I'd then buy a tkt to get him back here for the school year.  All I care about is what is best for my son.  I can provide stability, finacial security, a loving family environment, and still offer him as many visits with his mother as possible.  He'd be able to finally enroll in a few school events, and sports.  Something, they just can't keep up with.  Everything points to the rational:  Send him here.   Yet, ecause she gave up custody to her older son years ago, she feels she will be a failure if she does it again.  That, and she needs the child support money I send her so she can make her child support payments for her other child.  I thik I am being more than fair, not asking for anything in return but for her to be reasonable and rational.  I don't want to go to the courts, but I really don't see how I can NOT go to them if she refuses to work with me on this. 

TKT prices:  Generally I have paid the tkt prices and more times than not paid the UAM fee later.  We currently pay $100 each way.  I've had a few bad experiences with the UAM fees though.  One time I had a person walk him off of the plane.  She had 5 other children with her as well... all traveling as UAMs.  She stated that she knew my child was not old enough to be on the flight and that they will demand a birth certificate next time he flies.  (My child was 2 years over the youngest they are allowed to be... he's just really tiny).  She also gave additude because she said it was a full flight and that she should not have to sit with the children when she should be serving drinks to the cabin.  I was furious about that day.  that airline recieved $600 for UAMs that day, and did not assign a person to the flight rather than the crew.  They bank on these things and I don't think it is all that fair. 

Well... I'm still trying to figure this out.  I've been lied to about this ex, his issues and problems at home, and now this OD that nearly took his life is really bothering me.  His short term memory seems to be effected a little bit from the minor brain damage he did recieve.  When I asked about the pills and mixing with alcohol, all I got was a lame excuse that neither of them knew that you were not supposed to mix them.  They stated that the doctors didn't warn them, nor did the prescription bottles.  I know every bottle I fill for anything comes with detailed information.  Do any of you fill your prescriptions at Walmart?  They give detailed information... right? 

Sigh...

[ocean]

Just be careful...if you stop paying her (even if you have him) you are still legally supposed to pay her and she can come after you now or years later for it. It must be changed at the courthouse and not just the two of you.

I think what you are proposing is very fair. Ask her what she wants so you can put it in writing through a lawyer to get it legal. If you both agree then you just need then to file it for you after you both sign it.

[tigger]

I don't think I'd send him back to her for the rest of the summer, even if she agrees to letting him live with you.  The husband JUST got out of the hospital.  That's not a stable environment.  She needs to focus on him and his needs to bring about healing and recovery. 

Also, sometimes releasing a child comes from a greater love than does keep the child.  Encourage her from the point of view of loving her child more than succumbing to the pressure of "what kind of mother doesn't have custody of her own child"?  Some are better moms without custody than they were with. 

[4honor]

It takes a brave woman to understand that you have to sometimes get out of the way and let the better equipped parent do the majority of the parenting. I am a good parent, BUT I know I am not as good at parenting as my husband. When he was deployed to Iraq last August I had to set aside my ego for the good of my children. They went to school from my in-laws' home and I had custody on the weekend. The kids benefitted from having a parental figure at home when they came home from school. I benefitted from the time to focus on keeping sane enough to do my high stress job. I was also a better parent to my boys when they came home each weekend.

In April I lost my job and they came home full time for the summer after school let out.

I pride myself on being an intelligent woman. I am smart enough to know that I cannot handle my tweenagers all by myself. I battle my own depression and they do better when I am not the only one they can depend on. It is not a shame to admit you are not Supermom...heck, I think the only good super moms are somewhat manic!

Your ex needs to focus on her hubby (either support him and get him help, or leave him.) When that is handled, you two can renegotiate custody. Until her hubby is emotionally staable, she cannot invest herself fully into your son.

[friendneedinghelp]

I already thought about the court issues.  I knew I was going to have to go at some point to get everything blessed off by the courts.  I've seen a friend get sued for back child support years ago, even though the mother gave up custody to the father... over a hand-shake type of deal.  So I know eventually I would need to get it all down in writing and get it cleared. 

I just feel like a bit of a jacka$$ for talking about this to her.  I know I am standing up for my son's protection, but I guess I'm a bit of a push-over at times because I hate confrontation.  However, if it happens to be for my son, it is a bit different.  I strongly believe he does not need to go back. 

What options do I have if she decides that she doesn't want to let him go? 
I know she said she has talked to multiple people for non-biased opinions.  She wants to talk to his school counselor as well (However, I'm not going to sit and wait for school to start and have her talk to the guy).  She is weighing her options... that is for sure. 

I guess some of the questions I have are these:
What options do I have if she refuses to let him stay?
Can I file an emergency court order to allow him to stay?  I have to be able to protect myself in the long run from being contempt of court for not returning him after his visit was over.   I've never done anything bad within the court's eyes, never have been late on CS payments... and I've always been there for my son.  I call him every single day... even when I was on my honeymoon.  It is important for me to have that relationship.  I think my ex could have a better relationship if she did it this way.  You don't have to be the parent that places the child on the school bus in order to be the best parent you can be.  That is something I have to get across to her and get her to see.

What do you think the courts opinions would be in this matter?  I personally don't see how they can side with her and allow him to stay with drug abuse and multiple other issues in that home.  It is all documented now.  Before I didn't have anything that could prove negligence.  Now, it is sitting there on their front porch biting anyone that comes near. 

I am at the point where I believe she needs to be given a few options.  One is the option I gave above where we do everything together and with an agreement.  In the long run I think that is a very fair deal, and pocketbook wise which I know she has a hang-up on, she will come out better (except she is losing her CS support payment that goes to her other ex). 

The only other option is going through the courts and if they award me full custody... she will have to pay me.  That is not the option she wants. That much I know.  And I really don't see them saying no to this case and returning custody back to her.  I am looking from a bit of a biased point of view, so can a few of you please give me your opinions. 

Basically... I would love to just keep it as joint custody with me being the primary.  I'm not asking to take any rights away from her, I think that is fair.  I just want what is best for my son.  I know he is better off here than there. 

[ocean]

Maybe propose a one school year trial so she can get things straightened out at home. It will be a long fight if she is not willingly going to let you keep him. Your child was not there when this happened and if he is getting help and in a program it will be hard to fight. She can kick him out for a month so she can get him back stating he is no longer living there. Things can get very ugly and you need solid proof that moving your son out of his school is in his best interest.

Has anything been said to your son about all of this? Does he want to move? He is too young to tell the courts anything but a law guardian may be assigned and she will talk to him about how he lives in moms and dads house.

Really, your best chance if working it out with her. Even offer child support for a certain amount of time to make sure the child adjust well by you. Tell her you know she is going through a difficult time and want to help but you need some answers so you can get him signed up for school and get the things he needs for your house full-time.

[friendneedinghelp]

I believe we got it all worked out today (sort of)
Spent a good hour on the phone with her talking about this.  She went through all of the emotions and was upset at first.  But I think she was able to see the point after a little while. 

She flat out said that she has no argument and can't see any holes in what I brought up. She is pretty much in agreement with everything.  Now I have to figure out what the next step is.  She understands why I need to do things the legal way (to have custody switched, and to stop Child Support Payments from going further.

Now I have to figure out the rest, get things transferred, and find out my next step.  I'm a very very happy man today.

[ocean]

Yeah!!! That is great for your son...

You can call the family court that your papers are already at...see if you can file yourself since you are in agreement and both can sign off on it and send it in? You may not even have to show up....
I am thinking you have to deal with mom's home state since that is where jurisdiction is right now...You can call a local lawyer there and see how much they will charge to file for you.

I would have everything written out, send it to her in an email, see if she agrees, and then send it to a lawyer to type of, have signed and file. Put in there child support change, joint custody, changing her visitation to what..be specific for future years...exact dates in summer, who pays for travel, how will you do holidays...

GREAT JOB getting it done for the sake of your son. Must be hard for her but she is doing it so your son can have a better life when she cant be there for now..