Court on Friday-Need some advice...(long)

[JayceAce23]

Ok guys...I'll try to keep this brief...but I need some  outside advice from parents that have experience to juxtapose with attorneys info...here's  the deal.

Unmarried parents, lived together in Wi for approx 2 yrs...mom took kids out of state and moved to MN without knowledge or consent in feb...I tried for about two weeks to talk with her...got really no where in terms of an enforceable agreement concerning my daughter (turning 2 tomo as a matter of fact!).....filed contempt papers pro se....to ensure jurisdiction kept here then retained attorney....went to court...got ordered to mediation with a placement scheduled  that consisted of alternating wed-sundays with dad......I took my mediation prerequisite class...hers is still not complete...

In the interest of trying to be a mature rational parent....I tried for 2 months to make this work and reason with this woman....tried to reconcile my family (she has 3 other kids that were like my daughters and were pulled from me as well..)  and when it became clear that reconcilliation was not an option I begged, pleaded, demanded that we act like mature loving parents and get a legal agreement on paper concerning our daughter as I made it very clear that I was going to have a loving, effective relationship with her and that I had been there since day 1.

Visitation has consistently been on her schedule, ignoring court order....all told  out of the 35 days of court ordered visitation since initial hearing.....I've been denied 23....if you count the days she came here not required for her own selfish reasons but I still got to spend some time with my daughter (which is what is important).....then I've been denied 12...thru this all I've allowed her to stay at my home....routinely tried to help her out financially and emotionally....and prayed to god that court could be avoided.  (thru this all I 've been documenting/recording/etc......I have hoped and prayed to not have to use it....but again...as it pertains to my daughter I wouldn't take any chances....I was not trying to be underhanded....only protect myself and my daughter as I had a feeling.....)

Ultimately the police were called when she tried to leave with my daughter again b/c she was upset I wanted to take her out alone to visit her grandmother (this was ONLY due tothe fact that she was pissed about something else and would not talk or attempt to be rational and I had no desire to fight....and if we could not all spend time together constructively I told her I would take my daughter out and be back that evening).....well LE said the child would stay the weekend....and that she had to go to family court to straighten things out....she went to the court and when told they would not interpret an order w/o a motion and a hearing....well...she filed a bogus TRO on me....and came to my house to get the children........at this point I had a camera and captured the subsequent events on video (had it out in full view of her) and ultimately she was chgd with disorderly conduct and crim damage to property.....and was told to stay away for the evening...

She came back the next day and left with the children....a rest. order was filed against her due to her irrational behavior and harrassment..Ex came to my home to remove property when I was not home  approx 1 wk later and police showed up......more chgs placed for trespass to dwelling and vio of rest. order.......

.hearings on the same day for actual injunctions....1st was continued (she was present) and judge ordered continuance and that original placement schedule was in place with one caveat that a third party would accompany me to pick up and we were to stay in our cars...ex made it very clear in court and to my attorney she did not agree to this and would not follow.....which inevitably led to morning of ordered pick up being told that child was sick and would not being going anywhere that day....etc etc....continued hearing took place and she did not show (told u it was bogus!!!!) which led to hers being dismissed and based on the evidence presented mine granted...in addition judge was informed that initial placement post hearing was denied and ordered that placement continue as ordered until upcoming hearing (this friday).....

Second placement scheduled post hearing....followed order drove to court appointed drop off site with third party (child's grandmother) which was (158mi one way)....was informed while en route that ex has no car andher mother's car was broke and that child would not be coming due to no way to get there.(first I knew of this).....I was desperate to see my daughter at this point in time and after waiting over an hour to see if she could work out an alternative (she didn't try) I told her I would come pick her up (drivethe full 700mi roundtrip) to get her.....she then msgd me that ********* doesn't know you anymore....she will be scared of you and won't go with you. (had been just over a month since I saw her at tht point and almost a month since I had spoken with her)

This stung and hurt me greatly...and at this point having 2.5 hrs to get home we left.....approx 10 min later was told i'll let u pick her up if you sit down and talk with me......already on way home and ignored all messages.

Over past few days we have been communicating via msgs (per ro addendum) and I have even spoken to my daughter on phone (not ex tho).......leading up to today...when ex offered to let me pick her up a day early for her bday and keep her til tues cuz she had something to do this weekend......I was very willing and very suspicious as well.....and ultimately her true intentions were  shown as her compliance was contingent on 2 things....(documented via msgs) 1. that no 3rd party present when I pick her up and 2. I drop RO and contempt hearing for friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   

Needless to say I am EXTREMELY disappointed as it looks as tho I again will be denied time with my girl....I have been in her life since day 1.....I have never hit or been a bad guy to her mother....I supported the entired family financially for 2.5 yrs and have no crim background/etc...

I DO NOT WANT to exact any sort of revenge or penalty on my ex.....nor do I wish for her to be punished....I only want my lil girl....she lays extreme guilt trips on me making me feel horrible and questioning my reasons for fighting on...telling me I am destroying her and her family...etc.....she uses my daughter as a pawn and feels she has the right to dictate my daughters right to have a father that loves her, supports her and wants to be involved with her.   

   I had no desire to do this thru the legal system....but feel as if I have no other choice.....everything has been twisted by her to be my fault unless I drop it...etc....and she says she now wants to work out an agreement.......she has not taken her preq to mediation (hence contempt hearing) and my gut tells me that if things are dropped it will just become more of the same.......however i'm tempted as I want to see my lil girl this week (it's been over a month) and I don't want to cause her any more hardship than she is already going thru.......also....despite the fact that she is making her own bed....I don't want to see ex in trouble.....due to fact that will inadvertantly hurt her other girls.....and I KNOW she does love her daughters....as do I....but......wow.....that is about as concise as I can get it w/o details...

side note : no CS has been ordered-yet I have everytime i've been with my daughter bought her necessities (diapers/food/wipes) as well as toys and entertainment (have reciepts) also during this period of being apart have sent money two diff times....so am trying to make sure she is provided for despite ex being irrational.........any advice from anyone.....anyone go thru anything similar?  I'm feelin real lost right now.....and just want to do what's right....

thx.

~

[nnote]

If your attorney isn't on this like white on rice, you need to fire the attorney and get a new one.
Document, document, document. I think you got this down right?
Unfortunately, I see alot about mothers getting away with outrageous things.

[Giggles]

Jay...I know you want to see your baby girl....but DO NOT drop anything!!  You have another 16 years to deal with this woman and so far it appears that if you give her an inch she will take a mile!  She's scared because she KNOWS she's messed up and the judge is going to slam her butt!!  That is why she's begging you...DON'T DO IT!!!  I think if she's smacked hard enough by the court it just might make co-parenting with her possible?  I dunno.

She's making her own bed, now it's time for her to lay in it!  Just make sure you keep your focus on THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD!!!  You've done a great job so far, keep going and hopefully it will all work out!  Also, DO NOT give BM anymore money unless you are COURT ORDERED to do so...most courts will only see it as a "gift" and you won't get credit for it.  One suggestion is to open an account and place the money into that account until you are court ordered to pay...the best possible solution is that YOU get custody and then she'd have to pay...but good luck with that...I wouldn't hold my breath.

Playing nice only goes so far...It sounds to me like now the nice time is over and you need to protect not only yourself but your baby girl.  Get through court, let them slam BM then try to be nice again.  However, if BM tries to pull ANYTHING......DON'T let her get away with it!!!

[Kitty C.]

I agree 100% with Giggles.  But I would add one thing.......you're being too nice.  I know you're fighting hard for your daughter and that is fantastic, but do NOT cut the BM any slack whatsoever.  And DO NOT feel sorry for her........as Giggles said, she's made her bed, now she has to lie in it.  She has to face up to the consequences of her actions and you know who ultimately suffers from all this........your daughter.  The BM is an adult and as such, she has made all the decisions that have brought her (and you) to where you all are right now.  Let her suffer the consequences.  If you keep letting the BM get away with this crap, it's like you're condoning her actions....not the message you want the court to receive.

I know you would give anything to avoid court, but it appears that you will be battling with the BM for the next 16 years, so get used to it.  Once you accept certain aspects of the process, the easier it will be to mentally deal with them.  And that includes going to court everytime she pulls this $hit.  And once you get a final order, do NOT hesitate to take her back for contempt if she fails to follow the order and denies you parenting time.  Keep your complete focus on your daughter and her wellbeing.

You've played nice long enough.........now it's time to get tough and fight harder.  Be as rational and mature as possible and try very hard not to let emotions get in the way of dealing with the BM or clouding your judgement.  Utilize the court system as much to your advantage as possible and make sure your atty. is fighting just as hard. 

[Davy]

JayceAce...I just want to second the excellent advice you have received from the other 3 posters.  I would like to re-empahsize one statement that was made : " Keep your complete focus on your daughter and her wellbeing ".

Nobody really wants to go to court but the very sad fact is that you need to keep your head together and fight this tooth and toenail.  You appear to be doing a great job in both thought and action.  Your daughter will benefit in the short and long run.   

Best to you and your daughter !!

[snowrose]

Sent you a PM...

[JayceAce23]

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who chimed in and snow for the pm.....

I appreciate your support and advice greatly.....I've been on this forum since right around the time I filed the original papers...posting occasionally but mostly just reading up in conjunction with my legal research.....i actually may as a result be returning to school to become a family law attorney based on what I've learned....and my experiences thus far in the court room due to the biases I've read about and the things I've learned.....

but that being said....nothing can count for experience...and to have caring individuals like you that understand chime in is greatly appreciated.....as i'm sure you all know this is a ROUGH time right now...I just wanted to say thank you and am open to anymore ideas/discussion/etc....

~j

[JayceAce23]

BTW if anyone wants to chat I'm going to beon yahoo this evening...  jayceace23   lots of research to do....tomo is court ordered placement and it seems astho she wants to deny yet again.

[nnote]

How did it go?
I recently had mine, didn't get as much time as I wanted, but if the judge believed all her pathological lies, I'd be in prison right now.....

[eagleeyefam]

I had to go double check with my hubby to make sure he didn't post this!!!! We are dealing with the same thing right now. Court was on Wednesday addressing the visitation denials. It was postponed until end of october. The judge gave a very stern lecture to the mom to allow the custodial time. But because nothing was issued as an order the original court order stands and visitation was denied again. There is a huge long story with all of it as well.

Hang in there. Eventually this will all come to a head and you will get to be a father to your child. It sucks to go thru this. But please know you are not alone in this sinking boat.

PM anything anytime.