Denied visitations

[amymarie]

Hello all.  I am getting married in 2 weeks to my wonderful fiance and I guess it's making his ex go crazy.  My ex has joint legal and physical custody with NEITHER parent having primary (mother used to be primary, but after repeatedly violating the CO, my ex was able to get her to agree to remove that designation from the CO last year).  My DSD just turned 3 and their visitation schedule is one week on, one week off.  Mother lives 5 1/2 hours away because she took off with the kid when they first split up.

We have had multiple issues with BM.  She has denied visitation 6 times in the past year and has repeatedly taken dsd for medical treatment without informing DF (even though in the court order it is spelled out that ALL medical treatment must be agreed upon by both parties).  After DF filed contempt against her last year for these violations, she falsely accused him of child sexual abuse, claiming her daughter's diaper rash was herpes.  Of course the test came back negative and everything was dismissed.  She then took dsd in for surgery without telling DF (tonsillectomy and adenoids removal). 

BM is court-ordered to give half of her tax refund to DF (the portion she gets for DSD).  She filed in April but continually refused to show DF her taxes or tell him how much money she would owe him.  He asked her about it every week for two months; every week she had a different excuse as to why she wasn't going to show him.  So he filed contempt against her now.  They had mediation the beginning of August.  In mediation they agreed to show each other their tax returns 3 days later and she was to pay a week and a half later.  Well 3 days later she shows up with her tax return but everything is blacked out and she refuses to give DF a copy that isn't blacked out.  He goes ahead and agrees with her amounts anyway because he's tired of arguing about it and wants it to be over.

Well a week later, we drive the 2 1/2 hours to get DSD (after confirming with BM that she would be there).  When we get there she tells us she's not coming (but insists she has the money ready to give to us).  DSD had had a red bump (that's been there for a month) on her back and BM decides that she thinks it is a medical emergency and wants to get it checked out the next day (she had already taken DSD to a dr. but wanted to get a second opinion).  She also mentions that she's concerned because DSD has red bumps in her privates (which had been there for three weeks - she sweats a lot so we think she just breaks out from sweating).  Of course she can't wire transfer the money to us because the cheapest place to do it is $90.  She promises that she's not keeping DSD for the whole week, just until Mon or Tues.  She then proceeds to ignore all of DF's texts and phone calls for the entire week.

So tomorrow is our meeting day and she's still not answering so we can only assume that she is planning on keeping DSD.  I thought that she may have filed another false abuse allegation, but she hasn't filed a TPO because we are still able to talk to DSD (we just have to call BM's family members to get ahold of her). 

We hired a lawyer to give us advice and write up the paperwork for us and DF will be filing for sole custody (with visitation for her, of course) next week.  He is also filing contempt for the denied visitation and requesting an emergency hearing to grant him temp. custody.  I posted on here before about how DSD was saying that her great-grandfather (whom they live with) was hurting her privates.  BM is *supposed* to be keeping DSD away from him but of course hasn't, and we're worried that maybe there was another incident with him and they are keeping DSD to try to hide it.

Is there anything else we can/should do? 

[FatherTime]

"I posted on here before about how DSD was saying that her great-grandfather (whom they live with) was hurting her privates. "

This should be reported ASAP.  That child is at risk, and it should be investigated.

Also, you stated that neither parent had primary custody.  Federal law mandates a primary custodial parent.  You need to clarify, and verify with the judge/commissioner/child support office as to who is the primary custodial parent.

Other than that the best that you can do is ... document everything. 

Take a sheriff to the pickup. 

Don't let her hide any income.  Take the blacked out copy to court and show the court how she is potentially hiding income.  If he has to come clean on his income, she should as well.

One thing that I have found in the past history of my own case is that when the other party made claims about what I did and/or said, in actuality, the other party was guilty.  That is why the sexual abuse claim bothers me a little (alot).  But you don't want to put ideas in a child's head, so leave the investigating to the semi-professionals.  It's a difficult situation, so be very cautious, careful, and empathetic.

[snowrose]

I do agree with FatherTime that SD's report of the grandfather hurting her privates needs to be reported to CPS.  Just for the record, psycho BM here has major problems and a great deal of it stems from her stepgrandfather sexually abusing her starting at the age of 3.  The abuse continued to the age of 16. 

Do all you can to prevent a similar trauma for your SD.

[amymarie]

It already has been investigated but CPS wouldn't talk to DSD because she wasn't 3 yet (6 weeks away from her birthday).  However, I think it was all BS because it was the same caseworker that handled the first false allegations so we feel like he went into it biased anyway.  Plus he got the case a day before he left for a week's vacation.  This was through CPS in the mother's state.

Part of our modification of custody is that we want the judge to involve CPS and DFACS in our state (they were extremely helpful last time but were limited as to what they could do due to jurisdictional issues; since the abuse happened there, it had to be investigated there).  Since our CO is through our state, if a forensic interview or whatever is ordered by the judge, it should be able to be performed by the agencies here (she also had her third birthday a week and a half ago).

We did everything we could at the time but were faced with dead-ends every time.  CPS here wanted to do a forensic interview but CPS there said no so they couldn't do it (CPS here felt like the child was verbal enough to do one).  We filed an ex parte temporary protection order against BM and the great-grandfather, but when it went to court it was dismissed because the judge wouldn't even allow us to tell him what the child had said (hearsay). 
We were basically told there was nothing we could do except put her into therapy, which we cannot afford.  BM is required to have her on insurance, but she is on medicaid in the other state and it's not accepted in our state.  We are putting her on my insurance in two weeks after we get married, but even then we will have to have mother's permission to put her in therapy. That will be another thing we are going to ask the courts for, as well as psychological testing for the mother since we think she may have borderline personality disorder.

As far as who as primary right now, I guess that will have to be argued out in court.   I didn't know that federal law mandates that a parent has to be designated as primary.  I think BM would probably win that argument because DF has to pay CS to her to "make up for the difference in income".  And usually the NCP pays CS.  But I still think we have enough stacked up against her that we may be able to take it from her (we have EVERYTHING documented with police reports, emails, etc.).

[amymarie]

Here is what the court order says regarding custody "The parties shall have joint legal custody and joint physical custody of the parties' minor child.  It is the intention of the parents in agreeing to this custodial arrangement that each of them shall have a full and active role...."

It used to say that first sentence followed by "with mother having primary".

[brwneyedmom]

I am not an attorney but my take is that dad has just as much right to seek counseling and take her to a MD as the mom.  If there is a children's advocacy center that investigates abuse in your area, you can use them, even for very young children.
It is hard to believe that your area does nothing to protect pre-verbal children from abuse.  If you can get someone else to report the abuse- a MD, counselor, etc- you stand in better shoes to protect this child.  The courts tend not to believe acccusations from one parent to another.   You need to find someone outside the family who will speak for this child in court.
Don't quiz the child about the abuse. Just go write down everything said or carry a tape recorder to record her statements and your responses.  You have the ability to change her memories and damage the case if you ask questions about it in the wrong way.    The abuser shouldn't get off on technicalities when finally brought to justice.
This is my opinion only. 

[amymarie]

browneyed - we already know not to talk to her about.  We have not talked to her about it since it happened 6 weeks ago.  And mom and dad have to BOTH agree to medical treatment before it can be done (including psychological) - this was put into the CO specifically because mom took dsd to have surgery without telling dad.

Well BM has confirmed that she's not bringing dsd.  Our only guess is that she's probably trying to claim child abuse again.  She's supposed to be sending an email later so I guess we will find out for sure then.

[snowrose]

DFACS...  Amymarie, are you in Georgia?  If so, have you requested a Guardian Ad Litem for SD?

http://www.divorcenet.com/states/georgia/ga_guardian (http://www.divorcenet.com/states/georgia/ga_guardian)

[amymarie]

We had a guardian ad litem after BM filed the false allegations the first time.  The GAL was completely worthless and charged us $3000 (each side paid half).  She refused to do any home visits since BM lived so far away and didn't ever ask to see how the child acted with either parent.  She used the entire retainer to talk to DF for an hour, me for an hour, and then had short phone conversations with BM and her mother (never met with them in person).  When she met with DF she told him that courts usually liked girls to stay with their mothers and later told our lawyer that she was going to recommend that dsd be with her mother BEFORE SHE EVER EVEN TALKED TO BM.  She was completely biased from the start and a waste of money.

I'm sure a GAL can be awesome if you have a good one but they are horrible if you don't.  If WE request a GAL then we will have to pay for him/her, and we just can't afford to do that.  So we are hoping that when we go to court the judge will order one, because then we shouldn't have to pay for him/her.  And we'll just pray that we don't get the same one as last time. 

So I guess since no one has answered my original question - what else we can do to get dsd back - I'm going to assume that there's really nothing else we can do.

[Davy]

Amymarie

I think you will correct me if I'm wrong. I am remembering your previous thread where the sexual abuse had been discovered by a physician examination while visiting in the HOME state.

CPS in both the HOME state and FOREIGN state ( ? TN) took the lead and there was much wrangling over criminal prosecution in the FOREIGN state that was protecting the mother and the civil "custody" issues. 

CPS threw out the overwhelming civil principles of the UCCJA/PKPA (either thru ignorance or on purpose).  Of course, the HOME state has no jurisdiction to prosecute a crime in another state and the Foreign state had absolutely no jurisdiction to determine custody.  Basically, the welfare of this little girl fell through the cracks created by CPS and she remained in the abusive situation with no oversight.

If the above narrative is close, I think you need at attorney (with a heart) from outside the good ole boy system that WILL do whatever is necessary in civilidy to defeat any bias for mother custody and PROTECT the child.

Due to the circumstances of the case, a rule-of-law type attorney may step forward and perform econonomically.