Cell Phones

[Shanni]

HI all been a while ...
For those that don't know me or my situation quick rehash.

My husband I have custody of our 2 nephews ages 7 and 9.  We have had them with us since Feb 19 of 06 and court custody since Sept 06.  Mom has not been around much for these kids in the past 3 years even by phone.  She has done jail time for embezzlement and 3 unsuccessful attempts at alcohol rehab.  In the past 3 years they have seen her 7 times ... with us providing most of the transportation for them.  She has self worth and value issues .. and seems to like to live with men that are abusers and or losers. Has been hospitalized 5 times in the past 3 years due to this abuse.. including bleeding on the brain.  Our CO is permanent custody with her having liberal visitations and access to medical and school records.

The last visit in June was a joke .. she had just been beat up the week before and had her knee in a big brace.  It had started off pretty decent but by the end of the day we had figured out that she had been drinking due to her major attitude change towards myself and my husband. Once we figured out that she had been drinking we would not allow the boys to be with her alone.  (After the fact we found out that she had drank 3 bottles of liquor during that time frame). 

She is very famous for going around the adults with the boys try and get what she wants.  Ie. For spring break she talk to the boys about coming to see her, went to the brother-in-law about us staying there . yet no communication with the adults here about the visit.  Needless to say the visit didn't happen. 

During this time she told the boys she was getting them a cell phone. but it was supposed to be a secret.  We were in her area for 4 days yet she chose to only spend that one day with them. Calling again the my husband's brother several time yet not calling us, trying to get contact with them.  She has both of our cell phone numbers and has called them both several times.   


So now the phone has been sent and we are completely against them having it for several reasons:
1. Their age.. they are far from responsible enough for it.
2.  This again now gives her another venue to go around us as the adults in charge to make plans with the kids with out our knowledge.
3.  We speak to her first when she makes calls to them to ensure that she is sober and that they are not talking to a crying drunk.
4.  This also allows her to put whom ever she wants on the phone to speak to them with out our knowledge.  We do not want the abusive husband or boyfriends having any contact with the boys..

We are currently in the process of having the CO registered in our current state, and then working on changing the visitation to make it supervised visits with drug and alcohol testing done prior to visits and for her to have to come to our state at her expense for visits.


So now that I have been long winded about this my questions is:  What can I do about this stupid cell phone?

[ocean]

Do the kids know you have it? If no...leave it alone.
Do the kids want to talk to her?
If yes, then put strict guidelines on it...like:
-phone stays in XXX room at all times unless phone is in use and it stays OFF (if she calls it will go to voicemail)
-phone is to call mom only
-phone calls are on xx day at xx time (then tell mom that is when the phone will be on for phone calls) , maybe once a week to start and let her prove herself with her conversations and how the kids react.

If you think that she is talking to them drunk , see if you state allows you to tape the conversation. Then stop all contact if conversations go south... Once you get back to court you can add "phone calls will be on xx day between 6-7pm".

Good luck!

[Shanni]

Thanks for the input Ocean..

Yes they know she is sending it .. She called tonight and told them they should have it Sat or Monday. (but again she has been telling them this since June).  Other thing that I just found out is with the phone she is sending the coverage is horrible here in the country .. so that is a major plus. 

I just have to come up with a plan of action on how to handle this .. Just mad a b***** right now that she is doing this yet again

[ocean]

well just sit them down and say "we know mom wants to send you a cellphone and it she may send it this week but it is not a toy and it will have rules" If mom sends it we will go over the rules of the phone. Maybe it wont come? She is paying the monthly fee or does it have minutes on it?

[Shanni]

It is supposed to have 300 minutes and text and walkie talkie on it.. I know I am not paying for it. That is for sure

[tigger]

So now that I have been long winded about this my questions is:  What can I do about this stupid cell phone?

I would think an accidental, tragic fall into the toilet would fix the problem . . . .

[tjk]

You have custody of the boys, you decide when they are responsible enough, and you decide when they have contact with their mom.  If mom did not respect you enough to get your permission to send the phones then just put them away.  Mom knows your phone number if she wants to talk to the kids.  Why open yourself up to this kind of stress when it is already hard enough to monitor mom's condition before she talks to the boys and to make sure she isn't putting anyone else on the phone with them?

What are you going to do if next week she sends them bb guns?  You are the one in charge and you can just flat out say "no".  Maybe bm will learn to check with you first once she finds out it is a waste of money if she doesn't. 

[Shanni]

lol yes Tigger I agree...

We have decided to allow them use of it from 6-7 pm.  With strict guidelines that have been told to the boys.
If we catch her putting the abusive boyfriend or husband on the phone it gets shut off right then.  We will turn it on for them each day and if they call her they call her or any one else they choose to(evil grin). If we hear tears or a drunk mom it automatically goes off.  If she continues to go behind the adults that have custody concerning things with the children it will be sent back to her.  Ie: telling them she is coming for a visit with out consulting us first, and that kind of thing. 

This phone will not be used by her to interrupt our lives here.

[Davy]

" We are currently in the process of having the CO registered in our current state, and then working on changing the visitation to make it supervised visits with drug and alcohol testing done prior to visits and for her to have to come to our state at her expense for visits. "

IMHO, I would have a zero tolerance policy considerating the mother's  history and continued belingerent behavior toward her children and now you.  You have stepped forward as caretakers of these children to fill a great need in their lives.  As you know, your caretaker endeavors are a major responsibility but does not include policing her problems.

You might consider writing her a very brief letter describing HER RESPONSIBILITY to arrange exactly what you will be seeking in court (above; don't tell her).... of course the testing will also be at her expense with your oversight of the results.  Return the phone COD.

In other words, take matters into your own hands and don't wait for the legal processes to work out.  She's been cuddled by the system because she's the "mother" and it's way past time for her to stop being a burden and to start thinking about the welfare of her children.