Agreements within Mediation

[Mom0f3]

Okay so the DH and BM went to mediation which is in the CO if they can not come to an agreement outside the courts, this is the first time they have had to use mediation cause they have in the past come to agreements.  They get 4 free hours of mediation and my DH showed up early for the session while the BM was an hour late.  Her reasoning for this was she went to the building they went to 7 years ago by the court house, yet the leter they both got from the mediator stated to MEET AT HIS OFFICE.  She didn't even leave the neighborhood we live in until 5 to 10 minutes before the session was to start, my youngest and I seen here leave when we left to go to the store.

My DH and the BM go back later this month and basicly this was just an introduction session where he talked one on one and then with them together.  During this session the BM wanted for my SS to come to stay at her house during the week for her week.  The mediator told her that they have both agreed the SS is affraid to stay at her house and would rather be at our house so he suggested that my SS go over there after school until 8 p.m. and then would come back to our house to sleep.  My DH said that was okay but he wanted to speak with him the first night and he would send him the second night because the child would not be very happy.  The BM agreed and Tuesday was the first day he went to his BM house.  After mediation my DH also found out why DFS was once again at the school and spoke with my SS last week.  She said that her stepchildrens Mother reported them and that the police searched her house and made her take a drug test and that on a UA she would just now be getting her results back."  Now this makes the third time they have been reported to DFS for illegal substance use and the same reason my SS does not want to be around her and her husband.  I find it hard to believe that her house was completely searched and she was made to take a drug test.  Let alone the results to take almost a week to come back on a test. 

My SS was to come home at 8 p.m., however my DH had to call her because she didn't bring him home or even call.  When she answered my DH asked if she was sending him home or if he needed to pick him up.  She said that my SS had something he wanted to ask on his own accord and gave him the phone.  He asked if he could stay down there and his Father asked him if that was what he wanted to do.  My SS didn't want to answer, which he gets that way when he is around his BM and she wants him to do something he doesn't want to do, so he asked him a couple more times.  My SS said no and my DH said he would be there to get him.  As was leaving the house to pick him up they were at the corner and she was bringing him home.

My questions would be:

1.  The verbal agreements they make in mediation, although on trial basis, are they to be carried out as those in a CO and will it look bad if she wants to sway him into staying?

2.  Being they came to this agreement in mediation how would it look on her if she goes against it?

3.  Her being late, do you also think this makes her look as though shes not that intuned into what is going on with her child?

4.  We know if she forces him to stay with her, he will not want to go back down to her house.  What do we do then?

[ocean]

Just tell her and the child you will be picking him up at 8pm as per the mediation. Tell son he does not need to choose and dont allow him to make that decision (especially with the new CPS issue). Does this mediator know this new news? If not tell her and say you dont feel comfortable allowing him there unsupervised until the results come back. Are the other kids allowed to be there?

Mothers are given MANY chances as you probably already know...but next time they go back ask for the mediator to tell her not to talk to child about changing times or about the case..see if that helps.

[Mom0f3]

Just tell her and the child you will be picking him up at 8pm as per the mediation. Tell son he does not need to choose and dont allow him to make that decision (especially with the new CPS issue). Does this mediator know this new news? If not tell her and say you dont feel comfortable allowing him there unsupervised until the results come back. Are the other kids allowed to be there?

Mothers are given MANY chances as you probably already know...but next time they go back ask for the mediator to tell her not to talk to child about changing times or about the case..see if that helps.

The mediator does not know about the BM having DFS called on her a third time that I know of.  I'm pretty sure my husband explained about the first two times which has brought us to where we are at this moment.  My DH only found out about the third call to DFS after mediation and I am sure that we will not be able to get any information even though they questioned my SS.  The other kids are still there and were not takin out of her house because her daughter still rides the bus home to her house.

Now are you saying to contact the mediator and let him know that we found out about the third call to DFS or to tell his BM?

[MomofTwo]

1.  The verbal agreements they make in mediation, although on trial basis, are they to be carried out as those in a CO and will it look bad if she wants to sway him into staying?

Hopefully they are followed, but until they are ratified and made into a court order, no one can be held in contempt for not following a mediation agreement.


2.  Being they came to this agreement in mediation how would it look on her if she goes against it?
  She can say she changed her mind and wants the decision to be done in court.  Most courts have done away with binding mediation in family law.

3.  Her being late, do you also think this makes her look as though shes not that intuned into what is going on with her child?    No.

4.  We know if she forces him to stay with her, he will not want to go back down to her house.  What do we do then? 

You have to follow the order. Children do not get to decide.  I know that is harsh, but it is the adult that will face contempt, not the child.  Children are the subject of an order, not a party to it.

[MomofTwo]

Quick addendum to your new post...I am not sure where you are and what is customary there, but mediators typically have no control over a situation like that.  They are there to facilitate an amicable resolution (at least where I am) but they have no binding power in court.  They can make recommendations to the parties and hope they come to an agreement, but typically mediators wouldn't get involved in something like that.   Again, that is where I am, so I am not sure about where you are.

[Mom0f3]

Quick addendum to your new post...I am not sure where you are and what is customary there, but mediators typically have no control over a situation like that.  They are there to facilitate an amicable resolution (at least where I am) but they have no binding power in court.  They can make recommendations to the parties and hope they come to an agreement, but typically mediators wouldn't get involved in something like that.   Again, that is where I am, so I am not sure about where you are.

I understand why mediators are there.  It states all that in the contract you have to sign when going into mediation.  But they do ask lots of questions and then they do suggest opinions that seem to be best for the child as this mediator has done.  Nobody said they have control over the DFS issue if that is what you are talking about.  I do think it would be good to mention it as this is the main reason that we are going through this whole mediation anyway.

[ocean]

Well at this point I would tell the mediator that you agreed to XYZ but their is a very recent CPS case open and you dont feel comfortable to have unsupervised visits at this time until this gets straightened out. Is it possible to call your local CPS and say that your child is supposed to go there and you need to know what is going on? Not sure what they will tell you but at the very least they will know there is another child involved in that house part-time. They may be able to help your case if it is a drug issue ...

[CuriousMom]

My area is the same as MomofTwo - mediators are only there to help resolve the custody schedule and report to the judge whether an agreement was met.  Also in my area, they are not allowed to disclose any of the details or discussions during the mediation either.  All the additional details and legalities are left to the courts if no custody arrangement is solidified.

[Mom0f3]

My area is the same as MomofTwo - mediators are only there to help resolve the custody schedule and report to the judge whether an agreement was met.  Also in my area, they are not allowed to disclose any of the details or discussions during the mediation either.  All the additional details and legalities are left to the courts if no custody arrangement is solidified.

During their mediation everything like you said is to be kept private and can not be used later in court as evidence.  I don't want for my husband to bring out any evidence in mediation that could help him if he needed to go to court.  My DH said that the mediator was there to kind of scare you into an agreement but it didn't bother him.  He also said that the mediator was not leaning in any way. 

So far they haven't talked about plans, only that my SS would go have visits from 4-8 p.m. Monday to Friday during her week as a trial.  The DFS issue is over drugs, however the Mother went and took a drug test later that day.  Now we know from talk and the internet there are ways to clean your system so to my husband it really doesn't mean anything.  Not to mention it is only for her and not the husband who also has the same issue.  She said that they made her take the test, we know this is not true from the last time they were called by us.  The social worker said that unless there was physical proof they can't do anything.

[CuriousMom]

Momof3 - does the CO say what you're to do if you can't resolve thru mediation?  It sounds like with the drug issue that to really resolve the current arrangement, you would almost have to return to court.  Since the mediator is required to remain more a of neutral stance in the situation.