Something almost NO ONE has encounted, I guarantee...

[danisdad]

I lived in a commune type environment for a few year on an island off the eastern coast.  It was experimental in nature.  More like a throwback to the 1960's "free-love" culture. 

The commune slowly dwindled down to myself and two women.  I married one because she became pregnant and I wanted her, and our baby to have my benefits (disabled vet), if anything were to happen to me. 

We were in no way part of a religious movement, nor were we philosophically polygamists, it just came about that way.  I loved them both, they loved me, and each other, and we didn't want to lie or be apart, so we all stayed together.

I am substantially older than both women, who are in their late twenties.  I am in my forties.   

We decided to leave the island and move to NC.

We moved to (we believed at the time) a very tolerant and free-thinking community where it seemed we were welcomed as a family.

There, the woman to whom I am NOT married, and I had two children, a girl and a boy.

My legal wife and I had two more girls.

We lived very happily for several year (9) here, until the community began to work at my partner's pretty regularly.  The wives in the community were always jealous, and the husbands were always fascinated.  This led to some strong animosity, and several "friends" working quietly against the family, and against me.

I have always been very easygoing, and when they began to go out and leave the kids with me to "work the community garden" or to "meet with a friend at the pub."  I paid no attention.  I believed they loved me.

In the spring of 2008, the woman who was not my legal wife fell in love with someone, and left me.  She took my two children (four months and six years old) and absolutely disappeared.

Despite my frantic, desperate pleas that she not leave and at least tell me where the children were.  It all fell on deaf ears.  I gave her space to pack her things when I wasn't there, and move out, sure that she wouldn't keep the children, upon whom I doted, and absolutely adored, from seeing me.

She cut off all communication from me.  As she left, she tried her best to destroy me.  I was then, a masters level counseling student, but when she called my internship facility and told them I had been in a relationship with two women, they pulled back their offer of a permanent position.  Distancing themselves from what seemed to be a controversial decision. 

The friends surrounding my legal wife began to put in their opinions, I noticed that she was being constantly secretive, and I was a wreck.  I was so very afraid that she would also leave and take my other three children.

In July, under the pretext of her yearly visit back to the island to see family, she also disappeared, without a trace, and without communication, despite many emails and calls to both of their families (obviously, given our weird relationship, I was some kind of a monster, not a caring and loving father).

I offered financial support, and any other enticement that I could to at least see a picture or get an update about their educations.  I was against a wall.

Then several months ago, I saw my daughter and son, and the woman who left me first in the local grocery store.  It turned out that she had been living just down the road for the entire year, my child was in school at the elementary one block from my house.

I smiled and was so excited to see my babies.  I cautiously approached smiling and being as polite as possible.  I said "C--------, may I speak to the kids please." she looked away, acted completely panicked and covered my daughter's ears as she hid behind her mother as if I were a danger of some sort.  (this, a child who was always hanging out with me, loved me so very much and with whom I had the greatest of relationships).

Rather than causing a scene (I am a white anglo-saxon male and therefore always the evil one in any situation, at least in the opinion of this town), I retreated.  I was wrecked.  I felt I had lost them all over again.  I wondered what on earth she could have said to my little baby daughter to make her act this way.

I saw them once more, months later, with the same result.  If I acted out, I would be proving their "profile" of me.  If I did nothing, by my inaction, I was proving that I was wrong or had done something wrong.  I was an easy target, and the strategy worked.

I decided to call the school to have a conference with my daughter's teacher, to get some of her work and to check her academic progress.  At first, the school secretary told me that I was not to have any information about my child.  I informed her that if she didn't want to be sued into the next century, that she immediately tell me what I needed to know about my daughter.

The principal called me the next day, apologizing, and giving me the teacher's name and number to set-up a meeting, which I attended and enjoyed.  My daughter was doing very well.

But, I cannot now go to the store in my small community, or walk on the streets without meeting the derisive stares of the community.  I have NO idea why. 

Now, I sometimes see my kids with her boyfriend, who seems to be a very good father-figure, but I have such mixed feelings.  I miss my kids so badly I would give my eye to have them back.  And yet, the actions it would take to get them back, if at all possible, would traumatize them and prove I was the monster that my ex must be painting me to be.

As for my ex-wife.  She fled to Georgia.  I believe she is living somewhere in the outskirts of ATL with a new boyfriend. 
If I try, legally, to persue anything, the strangeness of our ex-family will tilt any decision in their favor.   And, if I try anything else.  I am traumatizing my kids.  And besides, I am truly not a violent or histrionic person.

I have no idea.  And I wait, I wait for them to someday be civil again. 

It would seem to be all I can do.

[MixedBag]

yes, very strange start....but in the end, you're still their dad.

all of those children deserve to have their dad in their life.

Good luck!

[ocean]

File for visitation in family court and start the process. She can not keep the kids from you. It is like when someone has a baby with a mistress...same thing but the women allowed it then. You will probably have to start off with proving paternity.

[danisdad]

yes, very strange start....but in the end, you're still their dad.

all of those children deserve to have their dad in their life.

Good luck!

Thank you so very much for the kind words.  Been a long time.

[danisdad]

File for visitation in family court and start the process. She can not keep the kids from you. It is like when someone has a baby with a mistress...same thing but the women allowed it then. You will probably have to start off with proving paternity.

I shall.  Thank you...
They have my last name and I am on their birth certificates.

[danisdad]

I keep wondering if I go to visit either of them at school or day care, will it cause a ruckas. 
Perhaps I will need to get court ordered visitation before stepping that far out.

[Mom0f3]

Being the reaction you got in the store I would try my best to go through the courts as much as I know you would want to just go see them.  You wouldn't want your ex to use you going to their school/daycare as harrasment or stalking.  At this point like you said, you have no idea what has been put into their minds over the period of time they were away from you.  And if the schools get to see the same kind of reaction as you saw it might lead to more issues.

Good luck

[Momfortwo]

I keep wondering if I go to visit either of them at school or day care, will it cause a ruckas. 
Perhaps I will need to get court ordered visitation before stepping that far out.

Are you talking about the kids of the woman you weren't married to?  If so, then you probably can be legally barred until paternity has been established (doesn't matter that your name is on the birth certificate, what matters is that you were legally married to someone else at the time of birth and not to the mother) and you have a court order. 

[Gestalt]

I'm not sure the family situation you were in would tilt things against you, both moms were willing participants in that family for quite some time.  I don't think you should let fear of bias rob your children of having you in their lives as their father.

[shuckybucky]

I have custody of my daughter after 3 long miserable years. I can tell you that the stuff you think will be used against you....won't. The only thing the court is interested in is the children. How the children came to be or any choices you made prior to the birth of the children is of no importance. My ex did horrible and unexplainable things to her children (all of them had different dads) and in the end she got supervised visits for a few months then standard visitation. You have done nothing to your children so you just need to file with the courts and get the ball rolling. Given the history I would make sure to get geographical restrictions.