Same old stuff, another year

[msme]

Hello my old friends & new ones!


Well, the drama continues, just with new fuel & a new state. I am not sure how much detail I can put in right now because I am having a hard time staying awake. I am only up because I am afraid that DGS#1 is going to run again. I pray that he doesn't but he is so unpredictable right now. The oldtimers may remember our tale of woe (most of it revolved around DGD) but I will try to recap for the others.

My son, gr8dad, has full custody & sole conservetorship of his 3 kids. This is due to the fact that their mother uses drugs, severely abused the kids, & is generally a waste of humanity. She plays with their heads & causes lots of problems. He seems to be drawn to the wrong type of woman.


His second wife turned out to be an excellant actress. He brought her & her 5 kids into his home & 3 years later married her. He fully supported her & them,(their father doesn't pay CS) along with his own kids, & tried his best to build a blended family. To make a long story short, as soon as she got the ring on her finger, everything changed & things went downhill from there. After about 2 years, she cleaned him out, packed up her kids & disappeared. This added to the emotional trauma for his kids. That was 2 years ago.


Racing forward to the present: This spring DGD, now 17, seemed to finally see through her mother's bull & told her so. She immediately turned her attention to DGS#1, now 16. She had completely rejected him for the past 9 years because he looks exactly his dad. He had come to accept her treatment & when she started to treat him better, he was thrilled. She kidnapped him & he went willingly. Then she reverted back to her old ways when we found him with her.

She made several malicious charges to CPS & they charged her for it. He had a breakdown & wound up a residential facility. He is medicated & seemed to be doing pretty good, all things considered. He progressed to a day program & was finally discharged on meds.

In the meantime, gr8dad got short notice that he was going to be laid off. He was given the option of a job in MS & so here we are. The PBFH handled the move better than we expected. The CO gives gr8dad the right to relocate for employment.


Anyway, now DGS#1 refused his meds all day & by bed time, he was completely out of control. He exploded & said he was leaving. He ran out the door. gr8dad followed him & caught him The police came & we got him settled down & his night meds in him.
gr8dad is distraught. He doesn't know where to turn. I suggested he come back here & see if anyone has any suggestions. He says no one can help. He is so totally overwhelmed. He is settling into a new job, trying to be supportive of the kids in a new school with a different cultural environment & just completed his associates degree. His stress level is off the charts.

I guess I don't have any real questions except if anyone has any experience dealing with screwed up teenagers & can offer ideas, they will be appreciated. I am just so worried about gr8dad & the kids & I don't know where to turn.

[lucky]

((((msme)))) & ((((gr8dad))))) 

To be honest, I think you need to look into another residential program for your grandson.  From what you've said, it appears that the move and stuff has been a major setback to his emotional situation and he needs the structure and stability of a program.  It's hard to look at that, but you've been through these difficult decisions before and come through.  Doing this will, in part, help you guys take care of yourselves as you won't have to worry about his safety.

I do understand where you both are at, as dh and I have been there as well with three of our five kids (2 of them having had their bio-parents mess with them).  In fact, in April we went to court to get our own son placed as he was out of control and we couldn't deal with it ourselves anymore and couldn't find a place to admit him without the help of the county/courts.  We thought he (being the one that was both ours) wouldn't have the issues, however, the environment created by the issues with his older siblings apparently affected him in spite of all the counseling and stuff we've had in place.

Email me if you want my profile is set up to allow that.  I can't help much but sometimes it's just nice to have someone to talk to who knows what you're going through.  I know that has helped me immensely in the past.

In the meantime, know that I am thinking of you and your family and have you all in my prayers.

[Kitty C.]

((((msme & gr8dad))))

I've SO BT, DT, msme........

I think you know a little of what I've been through with DS.  What with his severe ADHD, losing his dad when he was 13, and going head-to-head with DH, he was out of control, too.  He saw a child psychologist regularly, had him on meds, but that didn't seem to make a difference.  His psychologist recommended residential treatment, but it is HORRIBLY expensive if you are paying for it out of pocket.  I did manage to get him into a wilderness therapy program (2 months at $25,000 and will be paying on that for the next 20 or so years), only to find out I got the cart before the horse.  All it did was pinpoint exactly where the problems truly were. 

Within 2 weeks before he left for the WTP, he got in trouble with the law and we got the court stuff regarding that postponed until he returned from the WTP.  So after he returned, he was put on probation.  He got a juvenile probation officer who was tough as nails....this lady was a former cop and I wouldn't have wanted to cross her on a GOOD day.  He started to act up and she made me promise that if he acted up again, she 'would put him someplace he didn't want to be' (juvenile detention), with him sitting right there listening to all this.  Well, worse came to worse and I had to call the JPO or DS would have put me over the edge and in the hospital with a breakdown.

Once I called her, she put everything into action, got the court order to have him committed and the order to have a deputy pick him up.  He went to JD for 6 months, but while he was there, they did a psych. eval. and determined (surprise, surprise!) he needed to be in a residential treatment facility.  He was there for 6 months and got out on his 18th birthday.

At one of his court appearances, we met with the JPO and DS's court-appointed atty.  It was there that I looked the JPO right in the eye and told her that if I had known how hard it would be to get help for my son, I would have told him to break the law a whole lot sooner.  She didn't even blink, because she KNEW I was telling the truth.  SO within 2 1/2 years, DS went to a WTP, JD, and a RTP.

I will tell you that, at one point while DS was in JD, the 'doctor' on staff tried to reduce DS's meds....giving the lame excuse that he supposedly found kids don't need them as much in JD since it was such a structured facility.  WRONG!  I went round and round with this guy and he practically came right out and told me I was off my rocker.  I went so far as to call DS's psychologist and had him get in contact with this 'doctor'.  DS stayed on the meds he was supposed to be on.  I do NOT trust any medical provider who tries to diagnose ADD/ADHD without the proper credentials and training.........and this guy was only a GP!  Our GP may write the scripts, but only on the recommendation of the psychologist, since psychologists cannot write them.  When DS got to the RTF and I told them what the GP tried to do, they were floored!

Now, I don't recommend that you tell your DGS to go break the law, but it might be helpful to inquire into the juvenile system as to what they could or couldn't do, if anything.  Also, I would strongly recommend going back to the RTF he was at and ask them what you can do, also to the medical provider who is overseeing his meds.  If you don't think that the provider is competant enough, find a child psychologist.  One thing I have found through this entire journey is that there are always more stones to overturn and look under.  Sometimes they are hard to find, but they are out there.  Think of EVERYTHING..........and look into it, even if you don't think it would be worthwhile, because you never know where a specific lead will take you.  Sometimes one door just leads to another where there IS an answer.

And if you ever need anything else, msme, just holler.  You have my e-mail addy, so I'm never far away.  I know that different states and jurisdictions never operate exactly the same, and it can be overwhelming to fumble your way through the system, but it CAN be done.

And I will also have you, gr8dad, and your entire family in my prayers...........

[msme]

Lucky & Kitty, Thanks for your support.
His dr. is back in Texas. The services around here are not terrific & it's hard to get into the system. He seems to be back in control since the blow up the other night. He is getting up & taking his meds on time without being told. I just checked & he took his evening meds without being told. This is a big improvement. His dad had a long talk with him Saturday morning & I think they made some headway. He has agreed to let us use a key phrase to give him a chance to get control, if we see things deteriorating. He is really such a good kid. One of his biggest problems is no self-esteem & feelings of no self worth. He also has some bi-polar tendencies & possibly some ODD.

gr8dad has good insurance but the nearest facility is more than 75 miles away. We are going to try to keep it local if we can. They have an intensive therapy program here that includes 3 group sessions & 2 private sessions every week. as well a visit to their school. We are trying to get him into that.

Kitty, I can't believe your DS is 18. I was just remembering how when I first found this site, you were bragging to the newbies how he was flying back & fourth to CA & how safe it was for kids to fly. Boy, it sure doesn't seem like that long. LOL

Anyway, I am glad I decided to come back. I sure missed you guys.

[Kitty C.]

18??  He's 20 now!!!!!!!!  That whole episode I described happened over 2 years ago!  What's REALLY scary is that I could officially be a grandmother now.....heaven forbid!  He's shot up in height, so has SS and now I'm the shortest in the family, LOL!  They may all look down at me but they still listen to me!    I know it doesn't seem like it was that long ago, but it's been 7 years since DS's dad died.........I can't believe it's been that long.

I'm glad things are calming down for you guys.  I know that DS suffers from low self-esteem and self-worth, too.  And it takes a LONG time to work through that....DS still is and probably will be for a very long time.  It's a daily battle.  And I'm glad to hear that you have some avenues to explore there.  Just always keep your eyes and minds open....you never know where an opportunity might appear and sometimes it can come from the strangest of places.  Ours was the juvenile justice system........that was one cloud that had a silver lining!

[snowrose]

Hi, msme.  Have gr8dad call CPS himself and ask for help.  Part of their mandate is to help parents that are at the end of their rope.  My DH called them when he was having trouble with DSnow23.  They were able to point DH in the right direction, recommend local resources, and give him the support he needed.

Good luck!

[determined]

I'm not convinced that they ever helped before (I believe that I have been reading your posts and gr8dad's for close to 10 years now).  But they can't hurt and much of the legal system is set up specifically to hurt.