Im new, and I really need help

[hopefullystepmom]

So my husband and I are about to go into a custody battle with his ex-wife, they had 3 children together. We know that the kids will have a much better life with us. I know most cases are granted to the mother, but we aren't going to stop fighting. So here is a little back ground. Since the mother has had them the kids have gained a ton of weight, they come here telling us how they are always just sit in their room. They have to make their own dinners, which consist of cereal and sandwiches. Once they locked one of the kids in the room, and he wet himself, and got in trouble for it. She JUST got a job, after a year of not working and her husband hasnt worked in 3 years. The house is a wreak and it smells. Their middle child was held back from 2nd grade because her mom didnt take her to school. The list goes on. Im not claiming we are the worlds most perfect parents, but we pay more attention to the kids, we make more money and can afford them with out any help (Im not knocking anyone how does) We just want whats best for the kids. What can we do to help build our case? And what can we expect? I thank anyone who helps!

[ocean]

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffffff]It is going to be a real battle and lots of money...Do you live in the same school district? Can you ask for more time or at least 50.50 instead?[/HIGHLIGHT]

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffffff]School records are very good in court... attendance records and[/HIGHLIGHT] report cards (get copies)
How old are the children and do they want to live with you? (all of them? courts tend not to split kids up)
You can ask for a law guardian to be assigned to the case and they will talk to the children about what they want and what has been happening.

The rest, is just poor parenting which can not really be used against her. If they are clothed and fed that is good enough for the courts.
Good luck!

[Kitty C.]

Get copies of medical records or have the children seen by your practitioner or pediatrician.  Many kids who are overweight are borderline diabetic or HBP and it is directly linked to lack of proper nutrition, lack of exercise, pointing directly back to the parent who has the most influence over that.  Education and health are two factors that the courts will take seriously.

If, for whatever reason, the court doesn't think it is serious enough medical-wise, ask for periodic exams to keep track of the kids' health.  If their weight goes beyond the parameters scale or they develop symptoms of complications of being overweight, then custody would be reviewed again.  Also, BOTH parents would have to be present at these appts. and MUST be scheduled within a specific timeframe or one parent will be allowed to take the children to the appts.  Don't give the BM any wiggle room to weasle her way out of it.

[MomofTwo]

For a change in custody to take place, you have to prove a change in circumstance and how changing custody is in the best interest of the children.

How old are these children?  Them occasionally having to made themselves a meal is no big deal. 

Nothing you said would be indicative of a change in custody.  Has Dad ever taken them to the doctor for his concerns about weight? If not, why not?

Does Mom lock them in their rooms? If not, or she does't forbid them from going outside, sorry, them choosing to sit  in their rooms is not a basis for a custody change.

Has Dad ever called the school to discuss the children's attendance and lack of promtion? If not, why not?

I am not being harsh, but the judge will definitely evaluate Dad's involvement in their lives.  He won't get to say he doesn't do these things because they are with Mom.  And if he isn't involved now, it will be very difficult to win a custody change.

And while I agree with Kitty...if he has shared legal custody now, there is nothing that precludes him from doing those things himself already.

[snowrose]

If the condition of the home is actually a health hazard, you should call CPS and report it.  You might want to do that anonymously.  A false report if it's not that bad won't help you, but if it really is bad it will be in your favor for them to have a file with CPS.

Here is one children's services definition of neglect:

Neglect is the chronic inattention or omission on the part of the care giver to provide for the basic emotional and/or physical needs of the child, including food, clothing, nutrition, adequate supervision, health, hygiene, safety, medical and psychological care and education. Emotionally neglected children do not receive the necessary psychological nurturance to foster their own growth and development. The consequences of neglect can be very serious, particularly for young children. The child who does not receive adequate emotional, cognitive and physical stimulation, physical care and nutrition may experience lags in development. These lags in development may be irreversible.

Some examples of neglect are:

• A lack of adequate food, clothing or shelter
  
• 
  A child's basic physical needs are not met
  
  
• Emotional neglect or lack of supervision
  
• Lack of medical or dental care
  
• Deliberate locking children out of the house
  
• Deliberate locking children in their rooms
  
• 
  Failure to provide psychological or developmental treatment when required
  

[Mom0f3]

If the condition of the home is actually a health hazard, you should call CPS and report it.  You might want to do that anonymously.  A false report if it's not that bad won't help you, but if it really is bad it will be in your favor for them to have a file with CPS.

Here is one children's services definition of neglect:

Neglect is the chronic inattention or omission on the part of the care giver to provide for the basic emotional and/or physical needs of the child, including food, clothing, nutrition, adequate supervision, health, hygiene, safety, medical and psychological care and education. Emotionally neglected children do not receive the necessary psychological nurturance to foster their own growth and development. The consequences of neglect can be very serious, particularly for young children. The child who does not receive adequate emotional, cognitive and physical stimulation, physical care and nutrition may experience lags in development. These lags in development may be irreversible.

Some examples of neglect are:

• A lack of adequate food, clothing or shelter
  
• 
  A child's basic physical needs are not met
  
• Emotional neglect or lack of supervision
  
• Lack of medical or dental care
  
• Deliberate locking children out of the house
  
• Deliberate locking children in their rooms
  
• 
  Failure to provide psychological or developmental treatment when required
  

[/list]
However without physical proof of such things as the lock outs and other things, you pretty much get told you'll have to take them to court.  This is exactly what happen to us.

[snowrose]

However without physical proof of such things as the lock outs and other things, you pretty much get told you'll have to take them to court.  This is exactly what happen to us.

Yes, they would have to be caught in the act to make something like that stick.  You can unlock a door very quickly but you can't clean up a house with a 30 second warning.

All the same, if your main motivation is the safety of the children first, then it should be reported even if you can't prove it.  (I just finished having this discussion with SD's therapist about one of SD's little friends.)

[hopefullystepmom]

Their ages are 10,9 and 4. We have kept in contacted with the school, but we cant take them to the Dr because we need their medicaid cards. And they dont occasionally  make their meals, its an every night thing. Also, they do not choose to sit in their room. The BM can not financially support the children, and has told us the only reason we cant have them is she cant live without the child support we pay her because her husband doesnt work, and she only makes $8 an hour.

[Desperate in NC]

I don't have any advice as I am dealing with many of the same issues w my ex-daughter-in-law.  I do, however, have a question.  Do you have an attorney?  If so, how did you find him/her and on what basis was you choice of that particular attorney made?
Desperate in NC