PAS? Anyone Else?

[snowrose]

I can't believe that we're actually debating whether or not a father is a bad person for going to his kids soccer game and (gasp) handing his daughter a ball that she forgot at his house - and therefore deserves to have his ex-wife punish his children for his actions.  Un-freaking-believable.

Gemini, do you ever remember as a child being told "It's not what you say, it's how you say it"?  Well, it's the same thing with parents and ball games.  It's not whether you go to the game, it's how/why you do it.

Your assumption - and that's all it is, an assumption - is that the father is doing all of this solely and entirely in goodwill.  Several of us as considering the possibility - just the possibility - that this might not be true and that instead he knows how to push BM's buttons and isn't telling us about that.  Heaven knows I've know quite a few people capable of that.

So, that's why some of us are saying take it to the courts and let the third party decide what has to be done - because we really don't know what's going on.

[mdegol]

If that is the case, then giving advice here is very easy. It will always be "Go to court because we don't know both sides". We are always going to only hear one side, so we are always going to have to question the deep driving forces of the poster. We only know what he said, which he sounded quite reasonable and sincere to me.

[Kitty C.]

'Kitty, the first time he went over to SD, called her and handed her ball to her.  That first time of being obvious is all it takes for someone already paranoid to be looking carefully around the next time.  (I'm guessing that SD had said something to BM about forgetting her ball at Daddy's so BM was checking the crowd for him to see if he'd bring it to her that day.)'

Good point......but my question is:  Why, after SIX YEARS is the BM still that paranoid?  Yes, there may be a whole lot more to this story, but if that's the case, then the only reason for her severe paranoia (other than the BM having a severe mental problem) would be there was actual criminal activity (stalking, harrassment, etc.) that the father had done in the past.  And if that were the case, then he would no doubt be court-ordered NOT to attend or BM would have a no-contact order against him and she would have every right to call the cops if he ever did show up.  That did NOT happen.

BM has some serious mental issues going on here and it is having a direct, significant, negative effect on the children and their relationship with their father.  If he does ever have to take this to court, I would strongly recommend demanding a psych eval. on the BM, so the courts have a better understanding of what is actually going on.  But whatever is done, it better be done soon.....this situation is not getting any better and is certainly progressively getting worse, and it will continue to have severe consequences on the children and their relationship with their father for a long time to come.  What we're seeing here is just the tip of the iceberg....there is no doubt a whole lot more incidious behavior and PAS going on and being perpetrated by the BM.

[CuriousMom]

Kitty - when you speak about evaulations ordered by the court, what has to be said or shown for the judge to order this (other than confirmed criminal activity)?  Or is it "whatever mood the judge is in" type of decision?  I had already waived by first evaluation from the first pre-trial conference but didn't know if another one could be requested.  And I guess when - we already had a 2nd pre-trial conference and are scheduled for trial in 2 weeks.  Before I mention something to my attorney, thought I would query here first.

[jadig52]

Wow! I stopped checking replies a little bit ago because I wasn't getting any for a while. Now that I have checked, goodness, I have sparked quite the debate. And I have loved reading every bit of it. Most I agree with, some, I do not. Of the ones I don't agree with, there have been points made that are valid within my disagreement. Huh? Anyway...

I wish I would have been checking this forum more often so that I could explain and/or defend comments made. I thank ALL of you that have taken the time to respond to this issue. I would also like to discuss more with all of you the situation and update you on what has been happening. But, I will not do that at this time, perhaps later tonight, because my children are with me right now and I need to be with them the rest of this evening before they go back to their mothers house. Whew...long sentence.

[jadig52]

BTW...I am confused as to what all this is:
SD
BM
HD
SD
yadda yadda yadda

[ocean]

Ok...LOL

SD-step daughter
BM-Biological mother
DH- Depends...but mostly darling husband
SS- Step son
PB- Pycho bit_ _ (pertaining to the mother usually..)
CP- custodial parent
NCP - non custodial parent

I think that is most of them....if I see another one I'll update for you...

[MixedBag]

I'm on the side of going....and keeping your distance, moving forward to the bleachers over time.

If mom is going to use this as an excuse, and let's say dad didn't go.....  When there's another event, she'll do the SAME thing and over and over the scenario will repeat.

My son really appreciated it when I went the extra mile (or actually 750 miles) to go see him outside our normal time together -- and yes, dad flipped a few gourds, but not in public.....he reserved that for another wonderful letter to me.

Go.

[Davy]

IMHO, dad is rational and his function is normal especially considering the PBFH (From Hell).   It is clearly appropriate for a parent to attend  any and all of their child's activities 24 x 7 every day of the year and typical court orders are written with that in mind.

I coached youth soccer for years.  As such Soccer was always considered a family sport and parental involvment was encouraged.  Each and every player was an IMPORTANT part of the team.  Everybody gets along with and supports all the players with encouragement.  It was " OUR " team.  The entire focus is on the well-being of the players.   Uhmm ... where have we heard that before.

Notice the coach exclaimed "That's strange" upon learning of the delimna.  I think it is very telling that a 15 yr old player would leave a game.  He was probably hoping to slide out of there before the PBFH caused anymore embarrassment.  The dad/son/daughter are to be commended for not reacting in an adverserial manner and FURTHER DISRRUPTING the team /game. 

Many youth recreational leagues have guidelines for guaranteed playing time unless the player does not participate in practice sessions (without good cause).  I had one PBFH who did not bring the player to practice sessions the week before dad's weekend.  Her way of punishing the child for going with his father. I quietly made sure he played.  The player's frown turn into a smile and all parents supported the action while shunning the PBFH.

Another thing, Competitive/Select/Club Soccer coaches often recruite parents ... not players.
Get it ?

[snowrose]

but my question is:  Why, after SIX YEARS is the BM still that paranoid?  Yes, there may be a whole lot more to this story, but if that's the case, then the only reason for her severe paranoia (other than the BM having a severe mental problem) would be there was actual criminal activity (stalking, harrassment, etc.) that the father had done in the past.  And if that were the case, then he would no doubt be court-ordered NOT to attend or BM would have a no-contact order against him and she would have every right to call the cops if he ever did show up.  That did NOT happen.

Do you really think it's paranoia?  I really don't.  I think that for whatever reason she just doesn't want the OP there when she's there, and she's willing to do whatever is necessary to make his going to the games 'unprofitable'.


*waiting to hear what the OP has to say about our discussions*