PAS? Anyone Else?

[Kitty C.]

Oh yeah, it certainly is paranoia.  So there's two ways to look at it:  either the BM is mentally off her rocker and the paranoia has overtaken her life.......OR she's so deep into the PAS that projecting the paranoia is the only way she can cover it up.

JMHO.......

[Davy]

The bottom line.  The mother is demanding of everybody for the FOCUS to be on her.  In the process she is conducting child abuse clinic directly to her own children and impacting the players and parents on both sides of the ball.  Youth sporting events are meant to be a fun learning experience for all involved. 

Casual observers at these events and the posters on this board realize this mother's behavior is strange and DOES NOT represent the status quo while the father's behavior does represent the status quo as a parent and particularly a soccer dad. 

In other words, it simply does not matter what the mother wants.

This parent has no authority to pull the goalie at half-time and as a soccer coach I would have advised a parent that this team (players, parents and coaches) DOES NOT EXIST TO PROMOTE THEIR SELF-SERVING EGO.

This is not being insensitive.  If you have a rat in the garbage disposal you simply turn on the water and then the disposal.  Disposal cleaner is $8 a packet at Home depot.

[MrCustodyCoach]

I couldn't begin to disagree with momoftwo more strongly.  In our zeal to always find a way to place blame on "both" parties, comes the opinion that she expressed regarding the sporting event.

There is simply no other way to look at the situation and blame anyone other than the mother.  This is as clear a demonstration as there is of "using the children as a weapon."  By pulling the children from the game and leaving, she is sending them a clear and too often convincing set of messages:

• Your father is someone to be feared.
  
• It's your father's fault that you're not playing.
  
• Your father doesn't deserve to enjoy your participation the games.

-----

It doesn't matter how often the father has previously attended.  What this mother is doing is unconscionable and to suggest that the father is somehow to "blame" (in whole or in part) for the children being pulled from the game is, quite frankly, wrong.  It's a classic and overt effort to alienate the father from the children.  Suggesting that the father not attending is the "right thing to do for the kids" only perpetuates the impact on the children and supports the twisted efforts of the mother.

It doesn't get any more wrong than that.  The only person to blame for the situation is the mother.

[jadig52]

I just spent an hour and a half preparing and responding to all of this and it got wiped away. I am so pissed!

I have not forgotten you all!
I'll try again in a bit.

Thanks!

[jadig52]

Alright, here we go again. So, here's a little background:

I met BM in '96. She had a two year old son. BM(pregnant with BD) and I married in '98. BD was born in Jan. of '99. Months later, the adoption of BM's son was finalized and I was his father. BF wanted no part and had no interest in BS. Two and a half years later, I walked. Two days later, I returned for the kids sake and tried hard to make marriage work. Two and a half years later(Sept. 2003), I walked again and never returned. I had a home, family, community, and comfort. I had no place to go, but could not live with that woman any more. I ended up in a house with four, twenty-something, male strangers. Wasn't exactly child friendly. I was in a world of massive confusion. Reconcile, for the kids sake? File for divorce? Fight for custody? Move to a different state? Suicide?

The next couple of months, I saw my children very little. Then, I wouldn't see them for months at a time. All the while, I was still working and sending, minimum, 75% of my weekly pay back to BM. In June of 2004, I moved to a one bedroom apartment. Soon after, a rough parenting plan and child support schedule was set up. I started seeing my kids every other weekend. I even invited BM into my apartment so that she could see how I was living. She thought that was nice. BM expressed to me her difficulty with me being around her. So therefore, I stayed away. Afterall, I was the one who left and would do just about anything to make the transition from happily married couple to happily divorced parents as easy as possible. That day still has yet to arrive. I took them to soccer games on my weekends and stayed away on hers.

In July of 2006, I moved, with my new girlfriend(I can hear it now, but that's a different topic, my kids love DH(daddy's hottie).) 16 miles closer and within 8 miles of BM. Here is an excerpt from an email from me to BM:

My main concern was getting a house closer to them. Have their own rooms, a yard to play in, potential friends to hang out with, and maybe a desire out of them to call me and visit when they need me. I got this house for them. No one else. I have agreed that I have been a horrible father in the past. All I can do now is try and make it better. I believe that I am exhibiting that.

Since then, the email communication has been, well, difficult. I have tried to be as civil as possible with BM. She can really push my buttons, but, I will NOT stoop to her level, for the kids sake, and for the sake of how the courts might respond to any action being taken soon. Here are some examples of the abuse I have taken:

(July 24, 2006) The every other weekend dad, I'm sorry but that's not a parent, that's a babysitter.

(My daughter missed a day of summer school and I asked BM as to the reason why. July 29, 2006)
BD missed Thur. cause she was sick (throwing up). That's the only day. Most of the school days she missed were after coming home from your house due to emotional stress so FUCK YOU!

(Sept. 13, 2006) Please don't call me, I don't want to hear your voice, it's like nails on a chalk board.

(Jan. 2, 2007 BM had a guy friend stay at her house during the holidays while the kids were with me. I stated that I would like to meet him if he were to be a fixture in the kids lives) FUCK OFF, seriously just die already. (Within the same email, I asked if she had worked with son on his homework the first 5 days of their winter break with her.) Again, fuck off!

(Jan. 3, 2007) My life would be so much easier without you in it and believe me, I don't need you!


(Jan. 9, 2007) About 'sons' phone, I pay for it, I bought it for specific reasons and one of them is not for your use. Do not call him or text him on it any more.



(Jan. 10, 2007) Please do not contact me in any way unless it is an emergancy with the kids. As far as the letter just so you know it went straight to the fire.

(Feb. 1, 2007) Go ahead tell me how great your relationship is with those kids, theirs are the words that I remember. Last you have told me to respect you and I will not because you still have given me nothing to respect. (I told her, hate the ex-husband, but respect the father of your kids.)

(Feb, 10, 2007) Your email has been blocked from this account.

(May 7, 2007 My daughter was to have surgery on her ear and I wanted to be there for her.) This surgery is not supposed to be as big a deal as the last one and I hope that you can work with me on this. I am not trying to be a jerk and I'm glad you want to be there more for the kids but as I said before I just can't handle being in such a small space with you at this time. I hope you can understand my position.

(Sept. 18, 2007 This one references soccer games.)Putting aside the fact that I have spent A LOT of money for soccer, they are on a team and that means they have a responsibility to their teammates and coach. Not taking them to the games was very irresponsible on your part. (Some of my responce) BM, I don't like the way you do some things with the kids when they are in your care. But, I don't have the right to judge your parenting. You do a fine job. I realize it's not all fun and games. On the flip side, I know you don't like the way I do some things when they are in me and DH's care. What we do here is for them. The extra curricular activities, the meals, the discipline, everything...I appreciate your eagerness to put me in my place. But, please, don't tell me I am irresponsible. I want nothing more than a better life for me, you, DH, and our kids.

(Nov. 19, 2007) After this message I am going to give myself a holiday present and stop contact with you by not opening your emails or answering your phone calls.


(Jan. 11, 2008) From a text message: I can't get email from you
(April 30, 2008) From a text message: BS was tardy...it IS his fault. Getting tired of getting emails regarding 'son'....just letting you know.

(Jan. 7, 2009 ) Text from my son: My mom wants to know if its your weekend. (To which I emailed BM) You should keep track on a calendar at home or check the one I set up online. Please don't ask 'son' to find out information that you want to know. Call me or email me. (And her reply) Do you always have to be such a dick? A simple no would have worked, I don't need lectures from you. I ask the kids from time to time because I don't want to deal with this kind of crap, they have to but I don't.

(March 27, 2009 When my son wanted a 'myspace' page, I told him that would be fine as long as me and his mother knew his username AND password. My EX agreed. I kept her informed. My sons behavior at school forced me to delete his myspace page. I then find out on my own that my son has a 'facebook' page. I asked on several occations why I was not told. Here is her responce.) As far as Facebook why don't you think really hard, here's a clue...YOUR AN ASSHOLE!



(April 19, 2009 The beginning of this whole PAS investigation) BM, I don't hate you, I hate the lack of communication we have. I hate the fact that we can't share the joy of our children's accomplishments together. I hate that we fight. I hate the way that you hate me. I hate the way our relationship hurts our children.
I asked BD when her play was after I picked her up today. She said that it already happened. I asked why she didn't tell me when it was, she said she forgot. I called her out and told her to be honest with me. She KNEW I was excited to see her perform. She told me that if I went, then you said that you would not go. I'm not trying to pick a fight here, but, that just doesn't seem fair for her to have to pick who gets to go. You, me, and her should all be excited that we can share these moments. If that is not the story, and I misunderstood exactly what happened, then I am sorry. (Her responce) You have made it impossible for me to be anywhere near you. I told her I would go to the rehearsal and you could go to the main play, I told her we could switch every other performance she is in. Again YOU have made the situation the way it is and you can go when it is your weekend. You do not help pay for these activities you do not go to EVERY practice, you want to get the benefits without the work. Not fair, not happening. If you push this you will be hurting the kids because out of the two of us they would rather me be there and if you go I wont.

I know this is super long. I realize all you have to go on is my side. What I am trying to demonstate here is the fact that I have kept my distance while trying to build a civil relationship with my ex-wife. I am done excluding myself and submitting to her condition. It's just bulls@*t that my EX gets to behave this way.

[HIGHLIGHT=#ffffff]MomofTwo[/HIGHLIGHT], while I agree to an extent that sending her options on how the kids can play in every game was wrong, I was not wrong in going to that game. I called her bluff and she happened to have a Royal Flush. Mom wins AGAIN and Dad is broke while his kids continue to be brainwashed by a BM with PAS!

My boy has since voiced his displeasure with soccer and has 'mysteriously' lost interest. He has not been to a game since Sept 26th, my weekend. He also didn't play Oct. 10th because he was 'sick'. My daughter has played in every game on my weekends. Their mother has not brought them to any practices or games on her weekends. And I did offer to take the kids to practices.

I'm sure their are people out there who realize and understand how hard it is to 'not give up'. If I didn't care about my children, I would not have spent so much time on this forum.

My computer had a nasty virus and was out of commition for a bit. I will be online more often now, so please ask any questions and/or send me a personal message.
Thanks!

[MrCustodyCoach]

Well, the first thing I see is that you communicate with her way too much about issues that can come back and bite you in the rear-end.  Emails that contain language like, "I admit I've been a horrible father..." don't go over well in court.

Your first order of business should be to learn about appropriate communication techniques and sticking by them.  Less is more and anything not important directly pertaining to the children - shouldn't even warrant a moment's attention from you.

[CuriousMom]

I also think you have every right to be attending the children's activities.  I'd stop any communication with her other than the kids schedules/visitation.  Be the bigger person, ignore her hatred and stick to the CO - no small talk.  I know, easier said than done....I've been there . 

What happened in the past is water under the bridge and you've bounced back from that rough period, but she hasn't gotten over what happened years ago....just my opinion.  But she should not be using the kids in any fashion in her revenge for you.  And she is.

[MrCustodyCoach]

10 Top Ways to Fight Parental Alienation (http://www.mrcustodycoach.com/blog/10-top-ways-fight-parental-alienation)

10 Top Rules of Low-Contact with High Conflict Personalities (http://www.mrcustodycoach.com/blog/top-10-rules-of-low-contact)

The second article has a track-back link to another post-divorce communications article as well.

[MomofTwo]

The bottom line is, legally, if your orders give you the right to be there if the children are in activities, then you have the right to be there.  Unless the court orders mandate either parent HAS to enroll the children in sports/activities, Mom is at liberty not to enroll them.  If you want to enroll them to participate on your time, and you by order are allowed to, then you can do the same.  All of this crosses a line regarding what either parent can do and should do for their children, and that line is very vague here.  Legally, she doesn't have to put them in sports, legally you can attend, but when it comes down to what is occuring (her not enrolling them so there won't be any events for you to attend), seems to be the only ones losing because both parents want to show control, is the kids.

You need to follow your orders regarding visitation and probably stop with any communication with Mom (obviously not for urgent issues/illness) that is not required. Anything outside the orders, you two clearly don't see eye to eye, which is why you have orders to follow.  When I said you had no right to negotitate with her and tell her what to do with the kids on her designated time, I meant legally. Of course as adults and parents, that should occur, but when it cannot, then the orders need to be followed. 

Clearly, these emails are very one sided and do not present the totality of the situation.  I agree with Curius Mom, someone needs to be the bigger person here and I know how hard it can be to bite your tongue and hold back sometimes, but someone has to.  For the sake of the children.

[MrCustodyCoach]

Yes, learning and employing low-contact is absolutely critical in a high-conflict situation.  It took me years to discover, many months to get into it, and it takes a lot of practice, patience, and discipline.

However, I have yet to have a single person come back to me and say, "You know, I tried low-contact and it sucked."  Not once.