9 year old playing us like a fiddle

[MomofTwo]

Regarding PAS...you said "current court order is from when SS was an infant.  States EOSunday 2 hours supervised" .... you do realize if Mom was engaging in PAS, she could be sticking to the court ordered time which is extremely limited if she was trying to keep the child from Dad.

[teacher98]

Momoftwo-  I have thought about that.  For the first 2 years of SS life, she only let DH "visit" at her house and he was more of an observer.  She refused to allow him alone with their son because she didn't think he could do anything the way she did it.  When SS was 2, she met someone (whom she is now married to) and conveniently never had time to allow DH to see their son.  THey began fighting a lot about DH taking son on his own to his family's house (not even overnight mind you) and she eventually would not answer the phone or return his calls. So my DH gave up. He was 20 with little family support and bad advice about court. Also, not enough income for a lawyer. When SS was 4 she called and said that she couldn't lie to their son anymore and eventually allowed parenting time. Every weekend for one overnight, then it switched to EOWeekend.  SS obviously had an adjustment period, but when he was finally comfortable and starting to ask for more time with his dad is when she seemed to start interfering.  She was happy when SS would be sad to leave her, but when he started to enjoy his dad and look forward to dad, she seemed to start fighting about every little thing.  She agreed to EOWeek in summer because of our distance and SS wishes. He asked for EOWeek year round and she told him no because dad lives too far away. She told DH if we moved closer he could have more time during the school year. Well we moved 10 minutes away from her. That is when all of hte problems kicked up a notch.  She DID start taking time away.  It started with DH couldn't pick SS up from school. She would drop off at 7 or 8 on Friday because "she hadn't seen him much this week and they miss each other" and then switching weekends and then taking summer visits from 7 to 5 nights.  After this last incident, she kept SS this weekend and is "considering" whether she goes back to the original court order.  So maybe it isn't PAS, I was just going on snowrose's suggestion, but if it isn't PAS, it sure is something that is totally confusing to all of us and in my opinion, plain wrong. That aside, legally she can take it to EOSunday. My DH would be devastated. The county the case is in hasn't been very father friendly, so we will probably just get the typical EOWeekend/holidays/4 summer weeks. We got more than this when we lived 40 minutes away. Now we live close enough for an equal parenting situation and we get less. Go figure.

[ocean]

The mother wants the control and doesnt like that son likes time with his father. You need to go to court and at least get back what you had. In the meantime, tell her you will go by the order. If she doesnt allow that, then get a report you can use in court.
You cant live the next few years waiting to hear if she allows him to come. Get it on papers so she cant do it anymore. Ask for the every other week as mother gave verbal that if you moved closer she would continue the every other week from the summer. You may want to ask for a GAL so that person talks to son by himself and sees what he would like too.

[mdegol]

I agree with the posts but I think a lot of what the mom is doing is due to immaturity. She might simply not realize the impact she is having on the child. Sounds like she wants what is best for her child. I mean, equal time would likely be intimidating to a mom who has had physical custody a vast majority of the time for so many years. I would just go for EOW, but in a CO, which will be a big improvement in your case. Sounds like you were able to work things out with her at some level. Surely she will agree that the parenting plan is way outdated. See what she will agree to, it will save a lot of money on court. Maybe you will need to do some kind of a step up parenting plan for the beginning. Maybe EOW starting one overnight, two overnights, three overnights for a set period of time (she'll get nervous at that one). Eventually adding a mid-week visit. Will help child and will help Mom adjust too. If it is friendly enough, maybe you can even file yourself. Then be consistent with it (EOW or whatever). When child is a little older, and since you live so nearby, things will prob work out that he will spend more time with you and you can work up to equal time slowly. Even if it never works out to equal time, having a predictable visitation schedule will be good for him (takes him out of the middle having to "decide"). It is always easier to ask for "more time". I would absolutely NOT discuss it with him anymore, as was suggested, but what is done is done. I do not believe he is playing you. Yes, mom is having control issues, but she has been in "control" for a long time. Better to ease her out of that mindset than try to hammer her out of it through court, if you ask me. Generally, courtrooms make fair weather friends into ardent enemies. There is a cost to court beyond money. This is, of course, assuming that she is a reasonable human being.

[ocean]

She may be worried about losing child support...?

[Kitty C.]

The BM has a very LARGE problem here.............she has set a precedent by allowing the EOWeek and all the time above and beyond the original CO.  Teacher, I am sure that over the years you have documentation, pictures, whatever (that journal that your SS wrote would be a very good example) that proves this.  So she can stick to her guns and go back to the original wording of the CO if she wants, but if this ends up in court and you show the proof of what she has been allowing for so long, it shoots holes in her story big enough to drive a semi through.

I also think that when she told your DH he could have more time if he moved closer, she didn't believe he would actually do is and had no intention of following through in the first place.  Which is why she has limited the time even further.  So if she is adamant about going back to the wording of the original order, your only recourse would probably be court.

Another perspective and JMHO......

[CuriousMom]

I think Kitty hit the nail on the head.  You called her bluff, she thought it would never happen, and now she doesn't want to stand behind what she agreed to before.  And she has allowed more time with dad, no reason to go backwards with his parenting time.

[MrCustodyCoach]

Someone has to step up and be the grown up and do what's right.  That means, you don't leave it up to the child.  You don't leave it up to the BM.

If what is right in your mind for the child is a 50-50 custodial arrangement, file for a modification and prepare to make a case.

You're spending entirely too much time giving over the control of the situation to others when you have the control to put the wheels in motion to make it right.  You're making a mistake by putting the child in the middle and in a position to manipulate one side against the other.  The mixed messages DH and BM are giving are confusing him and, as any child is want to do, he will tell each what he believes they want to hear - FOR HIS OWN PROTECTION.

Stop giving BM all the power on this issue.  You moved as close as you did for a reason, now follow through.

[teacher98]

Thanks everyone.  Well here's a little follow up.  Our scheduled weekend came and went without SS.  DH called on the days he usually calls. Each call was sent to voicemail and not returned.  DH attended sports event to watch child on BM's weekend (which he always does)  SS walked off field directly to car without looking for DH.  He usually always looks for him and comes to say hi.  DH spent next week calling on his days without answer or return call....until Thursday.  This was our weekend and our Halloween with SS.  BM didn't answer originally, but returned the call herself (usually SS does) asked if DH called and then he asked to speak to SS.  They chatted and laughed like normal, however, DH felt his son was overly chatty and nervous.  Almost like he knew he should have been calling DH and shouldn't have said a lot of the things he said to BM.  DH spoke to BM about the weekend and she acted like nothing even happened.  Totally normal.  After she spent an hour on the phone 3 weeks earlier yelling at him and telling him that SS being here was so unhealthy and that he may only be coming to stay for one night from now on or Sunday only.  Without reading her mind, we kind of feel it is because 1. she had another baby that week and is too preoccupied to take SS trick or treating. 2.  big sports function today (outside) that she doesn't want to deal with. So now it is convenient for SS to be with us this weekend.

We had a long family meeting with SS Friday night before dinner.  We told him that we would no longer be speaking to him about his schedule and I personally apologized to him.  DH made it sternly clear that honesty is #1 in our family and that he has to give the same info to both parents even if it hurts dad.  SS said that he isn't lying-when he is with us he wants it to be equal and thinks that is a good idea then when he goes to mom he wants to be with her and thinks EOWeekend is fine. We understand this. We both did it growing up.  He also said he doesn't know who to pick.  We tried to explain that he doesn't have to choose and we know he feels this way because BM makes it like that giving him so many choices and then changing it when he doesn't "choose" her.  We know we definitely need to get to court and as soon as DH finds another job we will start the process. 

Until then we will just not engage in any conversations with SS about his schedule when he initiates them.  We will be our normal family EOWeekend.  Any other tips or advice?  We have documented everything for 5 years.  Should DH request a schedule modification in writing to BM after a few good months go by without meltdowns from SS?  Or should we just leave it alone and begin saving for court?

BTW  we have been having a great weekend with SS.  Halloween was a blast and we are looking foward to a fun day of sports! not looking forward to taking him to BM tonight.