Father in VA - Hard Situation - Any Advice??

[japril]

I apologize ahead of time if this is long but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm actually here regarding my husband. He had an affair and it produced a child who was born just this September (2009).

He was ending the short-lived affair when the woman told him she was pregnant. We went through a period in the beginning of shock (esp. me) but I offered to meet with her and she was confused as to why we needed to talk. I explained to her back then that we had to learn to talk if she was having his child - this means we will be in each other's lives for a very long time. She told ME that if he had just stayed with her she would of had an abortion! I thought that was an unbelievable thing to say.

Anyhow, the first 6 months of the pregnancy she was so adament that he "sign away his rights" have nothing to do with the child and that she was getting married and that man was going to be the father. That is something my husband would never do and I told her that. She even said she was moving out of state if we pressed the issue. With that we told her to only contact us if she had info for us but not to ask him any more "to walk away".

Fast forward to the month before the baby was born. We tried meeting with her to discuss how this would work - she just repeats the same thing no matter what is said "nobody is takin my baby". But then calls him from the hospital and wants to know if he wants to sign the birth certificate?!?! She flip flops all over the place.

We said no because we needed a paternity test done - she is SO mad about that. Anyhow, she did say she was filing for child support but hadn't after 4 weeks and my husband couldn't wait anymore so we filed a petition for paternity.

This blew her top. We went to court a couple days ago and she was ordered to take the test. Then today she went and filed for child support and so we are getting the test done that way. We know that as soon as the paternity is established he will be required to pay child support.

We should of already filed a for custody/visitation but haven't. My husband and I feel that the best situation for the baby would be a joint custody/equally shared situation.

So many people (even lawyers) are telling us we shouldn't have a hard time getting close to that because of the situation and various factors. One person even told us we didn't need to hire a lawyer but my husband is really nervous about that.

We have 2 children, both in elementary school. I have been a stay-at-home mom but am looking for a job. But my husband is the sole provider for the children ( I know I don't count). She makes more than my husband - not a lot - but some.

We live in very close proximity to her. I know that the baby is young, but it doesn't seem we will even get to court until January because the courts are so busy. Now his paternity will be established and he will be ordered to pay child support but will have no right to visitation.

I'm wondering about the lawyer situation - should I have one? I am just so worried about my kids. We haven't told them yet and I think that for all the children involved it would be best to have a fair amount of custody so this baby feels a real part of the family and not some "oops".

I guess that's all for now...

Thanks again!
japril

[Giggles]

Wow...congratulations on keeping YOUR family together in such a difficult situation AND accepting the baby into that family.

In this situation, I think I would go with a Lawyer for the custody part at least, just to be sure all the "i's" are dotted and "t's" are crossed.  And I would do that ASAP because if you're able to secure a higher ratio of custody, that would effect the child support.

From what you're saying it sounds like the BM has potential of being a PBFH (psyco bitch from hell) and may make your lives miserable.  It is HIGHLY IMPORTANT to get an extremely DETAILED parenting plan in place. 

Please keep us updated!!!

[mdegol]

Your heart is 100% in the right place.  It shows that you are an extrememly forgiving person who is capable of a lot of sacrifice for the right thing.

Ok, so I know you don't want to hear this but: Ever think about letting her husband adopt child and making some kind of open visitation adoption of some sort?  That way, no child support, Mom is happier and dad still knows baby and has a relationship.  This only works if stepfather is willing to adopt the child.  It is not you walking away. 

I only say this because she is going to make your life hell.  That is obvious from her behavior.  This is going to cost tons and tons of money if you have to get a lawyer and she fights you.  In Mass, it could be a 100,000.  It will be hard on your marriage.  I have been through a very similar situation.  It will be hard on your children. 

You can do this in a way that is not abadoning the baby and is easier for your marriage.  You don't have to be superwoman.  If mom is willing to go this route (she may not at this point because she wants the child support but she also doesn't want to "lose" her baby and that will be a very compelling factor, and is likely to get a good open-adoption visitation agreement) it will make many things about your later life less difficult.  And you are always free to help child with college, school buy presents ect....you could even put that in a adoption agreement.  Certain amount of phone contact.

Anyway, I am not saying that you SHOULD do this, I am just saying that you don't have to be superwoman, and it isn't bad to try to find ways to make your life palatible, especially when you have already accepted so much.  And it is obvious that you have a good heart.

[gemini3]

Ok... I wrote this whole long thing about your husband cleaning up his own mess, etc, etc, etc.  But, you have obviously decided how you want to handle this.  So, on to your question.

You do not need a lawyer.  Your husband does.

As far as the child feeling like an "oops" - no amount of custody is going to change that.  He/she will have a different mother than the other kids.  Even if your husband had sole custody (which is highly unlikely), the child would be visiting with his/her mom while everyone else stayed with you.  The child is going to be spending some holidays with you and some with it's mom.  You will probably teach your children different values than this other child is taught, and that will cause friction when the child is with you.  The child will not be yours - so decisions regarding the child will be between your husband and his mistress.  And trust me, I'm a step-mom - the BM is going to continuously remind you that it is not your child and to butt out.  It's going to be a difficult situation any way you slice it.  For you and for the child.

It's kind of disturbing that this woman is already using the child to manipulate your husband - as a way to keep him around.  Since she said she would have had an abortion if he would have stayed.  That does not bode well for the future.  She has your husband locked up in a relationship with her one way or another for the rest of his life. 

I know how hard it is to deal with my step-kids BM always disrupting our lives.  If I had to deal with that on top of knowing that my husband had been having unprotected sex with her while he was married to me, and that's why we're now having to deal with all of this BS?  Nope.  No way in hell.

But... that's me.  I'm not judging you or your husband.  I just hope that you've thought long and hard about what the next 18 years of your life will be like on this path.

[japril]

Thank you for your responses and info. I should have been clearer about the "other man" in her life. These were just things she said, but they were untrue. She never had anyone that wanted to marry her, take care of her and the baby - nothing. She said some far-fetched things about who this man was but she has just been playing games since the beginning.

gemini3, I completely understand where you are coming from. After 15 years together which is only a little less than half my life I was shocked, devastated and pretty pissed off.  It was 5 days before Christmas when I caught him and we got through the holidays for the kids and then he moved out (which I told him to do). He was only gone a month, and then everything came out - he told me immediately. Cleaning up his own mess would of been so much easier - in a way - and is something I day-dreamed about for a few months this year. Imagining making him deal with her and this on his own, me moving on with my life, etc.

But for my kids and our very large extended family, and finally yes me, working through this together is what was best and works best in this situation because any other way I believe will be messy and just hurt my children more.
Anyhow, I get that he is going to be raised different on both sides and its that side that worries my husband. Especially with a grandmother that cusses and yells at her son (his uncle) who is around 10 yrs old. That is why we were hoping to have him closer to an equal amount so maybe our family can and will have a positive impact on him.

She doesn't want my husband to have any amount of custody, other than a few hours of visitation when she says so. I don't know if that attitude will hurt her or if she has a good case with that.

She of course has already rubbed it in my face a little, saying a few things. Then calling me with a concern about the baby and asking me questions. Also making joking comments that the baby looks like me while I was holding him - so odd.

Yes, we got to see him once for a couple hours with her there and that was it. My husband made an appointment with a lawyer today so we will see what happens.

Thanks again everyone!

Oh - also, in VA depending on your custody - if you have over 90 days a year,  child support is based on that so you can afford to take care of the baby on your time as well.

Does anyone know, because she will be getting the "sole custody" amount until we do get any sort of custody, do they modify child support once the custody/visitation is arranged?

[gemini3]

That she doesn't want your husband to have any sort of custody or visitation will hurt her.  But your involvement in any custody proceedings will hurt your husband.  It could, and probably will, be perceived as you wanting to get her out of your husband's life.

I live in VA.  Don't get too excited about the 90 day thing.  In VA, when they do a "shared custody" CS calculation, they combine the two incomes, get the CS obligation based on the combined income, then increase that by 40% before they split the obligation based on parenting time.  VA does recognize contracts between the parents regarding support, and it takes precedence over DCSE decisions.

They do modify the support once you have a custody determination.  You don't have to go to court.  Your husband should just take the custody paperwork to the DCSE office and they will handle it.

[MomofTwo]

I think Gemini has given you great advice and there is nothing more I could add to that except one thing.  I think you seem to be handling this with remarkable grace and dignity.  If you aren't yet, I would highly suggest counseling for your and your husband as a couple as well as for you yourself.  It sounds like you are going to be in a for a long bumpy ride, with the worst yet to come.  Even if you think you have a strong grip on your feelings, there are going to be times when it sneaks up on you and hits you over the head and you won't like the way it makes you feel, the way it has (and I don't mean the baby) has invaded your life.  Go to counseling to help you learn to cope, it will give you some peace of mind having someone to talk to who is not involved.  I truly hope you find peace and all works out for you.

[japril]

That she doesn't want your husband to have any sort of custody or visitation will hurt her.  But your involvement in any custody proceedings will hurt your husband.  It could, and probably will, be perceived as you wanting to get her out of your husband's life.

I live in VA.  Don't get too excited about the 90 day thing.  In VA, when they do a "shared custody" CS calculation, they combine the two incomes, get the CS obligation based on the combined income, then increase that by 40% before they split the obligation based on parenting time.  VA does recognize contracts between the parents regarding support, and it takes precedence over DCSE decisions.

They do modify the support once you have a custody determination.  You don't have to go to court.  Your husband should just take the custody paperwork to the DCSE office and they will handle it.

So on the DSS website calculator, using all of the correct information is that not close to the amount that they give or do they THEN add the 40%? Or are you saying, only in the shared custody situation they add that? I think I just read that somewhere about the shared support having a percentage increase.

Sorry to keep asking you questions, but you said he should take the custody paperwork to the DCSE office? We don't have any paperwork yet, but he was going down today to file a petition for custody.

[gemini3]

Here is a link to the shared custody CS worksheet for VA.  (See line 16 for the 40% increase.)

http://www.courts.state.va.us/forms/district/dc640.pdf (http://www.courts.state.va.us/forms/district/dc640.pdf)

If he has less than 90 days of parenting time per year, then you would use this worksheet:

http://www.courts.state.va.us/forms/district/dc637.pdf (http://www.courts.state.va.us/forms/district/dc637.pdf)

You asked if they modify the CS once custody/visitation has been arranged.  The answer is yes - and to do that he needs to take his paperwork to DCSE once the case has been heard.  A petition has no bearing on CS determination, only the final outcome.