Please Help!!

[Gibgob]

Hi all,

I divorced in August 2009 and I agreed to have my child (who is 3 years old) for every other weekend.  2 months have passed and I realise that this is not what I want and miss him dearly.  I asked my wife to change it to joint legal/custody, but to be honest she just wants the money from me.

We live in Denver Colorado and I want to file to get joint custody.  Will my chances be good even if I agreed with my wife that she could have my child?  I was in a mess when it came to the divorce and I was not thinking straight.  I deeply regret that decision and my wife has been terrible to me ever since.

I am trying to work it out fairly, but have come to the conclussion that this will not work with how my wife looks at things.

I have had a steady well paid job as does she although I earn 3 times as much.  I have a great apartment and she lives with her mum.  I have no convictions or anything terrible in my history, nor does she.

Please help me in getting my child back.  I feel it is fair and why would a court not understand that it is both the parents right to have the child.  It is right for the child and he will have a healthy upbringing if we can both look after him 50% of the time.

Thanks,
Gibgob

[mdegol]

Since the divorce was so recent, you may have trouble modifying so soon.  Try to get more time by asking for it.  If your wife is being terrible, this might be tough in the beginning, but it is always easier to ask for "more time".  Hopefully she will soften with time.  Just tell her you miss him a lot, and you would like to spend more time with him.  Offer to take him places (doctor's, pickup, dropoff daycare) in the context that you want to spend more time with child and help her out.  And work from there, with your goal being 50% (don't tell her that is your goal, only that you miss son and want to see him more).  Any more time that you have with child is good.  Don't bring up child support (the "since you  have him more often-you should pay less" argument) at least not for a while, especially if money is her motivation in not allowing a joint situation.  Sometimes it is even suggested that you offer to continue to pay full child support when you request more time with child at court hearings.  This way, no one mistakes your motivation to see your child more as anything else.

Later, after you get into a routine with CP you can file modifications to reflect what is actually happening (time and money). You should keep logs of time spent with son. 

Ok, so the bad thing is you are at her mercy, at least for now.  Hopefully over time you can develop a better and more trusting relationship with her (miracles do happen!) and she will start relying on you to help her with child.  Later you can get it all in writing with the court (hopefully she agrees if approached about it) and over the years you can get your time with child much higher than EOW.  If money is the hot button issue, avoid it at all costs (at least for now).

IF she resists all efforts over the next year, then you should take the court route.  Again with court, more time is easier than 50% and you work forward from there.  And I wouldn't bring up money to the court either.

Just remember, you catch more flies with honey.....

[MomofTwo]

For a change in custody, you have to show a change in circumstances and how this change is in the best interst of the child.  The fact your orders are brand new will make it very diffciult for you to have any changes through the courts. 

[Gibgob]

The change is the fact that my child now says her boyfriends name instead of mine.  The change is the fact that he will be much better with his father and mother.  The change will be better for everyone except the mother as all she wants is EVERYTHING.

I have tried, but she is very stubbon and will NEVER budge when it comes to money.  Trust me, I tried with her for 5 years.

She is the same with my son.  Why will the courts think it is too soon?  I just want my son.  I pay through the nose and that is fine, let her take everything, but my son.

[mdegol]

Right, so don't ask her to budge on money. Just ask for more time, in the context of missing your son.  If you do it right, she will have to have a heart of stone to not feel guilty.  It is hard to keep saying no to someone who is asking nicely.  Ask her for her suggestions about how you could see him more.  Explain how you feel, without mentioning boyfriend, only that you miss son, and put the ball in her court.  Are there any extracurricular activities that you can participate in with son?  Sports is always good, he could be enrolled in t-ball or something, and then you could see him there.  You could offer to pay for it if you are able to.  I guess I am just trying to think of creative ways for you to see your son more, since it is so soon to ask for a modification.  Unfortunately the court has its own definition of "change".  Also, don't miss any time with your son (I'm sure you are not, but just in case).  Can't ask for more unless you are using all of it.

[Kitty C.]

The change is the fact that my child now says her boyfriends name instead of mine.  The change is the fact that he will be much better with his father and mother.  The change will be better for everyone except the mother as all she wants is EVERYTHING.

In the wonderful world for Family Court, what you have mentioned is NOT justification for a change in the current custody order.  The rule of thumb in court is a 'significant change of circumstance' that ONLY affects the child.  This usually means something extremely detrimental to the child's every day activities and wellbeing.  Examples:  child abuse and/or neglect, child living with known/registered sex offender, custodial parent under the influence (drug, alcohol, etc.) with child in their current possession.  In other words, something DRASTIC has to happen to the child in order to get it changed, especially so soon.

Why will the courts think it's too soon?  Because your order is only a couple months old, that's why.  You haven't even gone through any major holiday yet.  You have to give the current order a chance, regardless of how you feel about it.  Hindsight is always 20/20 and apparently you had an atty. who failed to advocate for you or give you any decent advice regarding what you were agreeing to.

I hate to sound so negative, but all I can give you is the reality of the situation.  If this is your first rodeo in the world of family court, you are in for large dose of it...more like a dousing of ice water.  The best you can hope for right now is to follow the letter of the order and not allow the BM to take away any court-ordered time you're allowed.  If that happens, document (to prove) every incident and eventually you might be able to take her back to court for contempt for refusing to follow the order.

[MomofTwo]

Kitty explained it perfectly, but here is an article that clarifies it even more.

http://deltabravo.net/custody/circumstances.php (http://deltabravo.net/custody/circumstances.php)

[Davy]

I agree with Kitty's dose of reality.  However, I' am of the mindset that neither a parent or a government (ie court) should be a barrier or define a child's relationship with a parent (and visa versa).

My suggestion is for the OP to quickly rid himself of any emotional feeling he may have for the mother and to entirely FOCUS all thought and conversation on this young child that has no voice in these matters.  Doing so will remove any real or perceived "powers" and "controls" the mother  may have over the the OP and hopfully the courts.

Once the OP or anyone in this station of life can practice this behavior of focusing on the complete well-being of the child then perhaps this behavior can become the "norm" in the child's life instead of a "change of circumstances" being the "norm'.  The substantial change has taken place and will continue to take place in the child's life for years to come. 

Approach the system (with and/or without legal representatin)  in a non-vindictive non-combative way to set the tone and criteria described above and do it as often as possible as long as it takes. 

The intent is to stop the abuse your child is suffering at the hands of the  of the other parent and the system.

[Kitty C.]

Well said, Davy.  It takes the wind out of the mother's sails.  This is the tactic that all separated parents should use, but is SO difficult to maintain because of the emotionally charged issues involved.

But if you can step back and look at it all from an analytical aspect, it's easier to put in perspective. Don't just keep focus on the child......HYPER-focus.  Doing so will stop the other parent from trying to drag you into their emotional turmoil and pushing your buttons.  Recognize those buttons and have a plan on how to counter-act them when she tries.

Our situation was highly volatile at one time....and very confusing to my SS.  He even asked me why Mommy hates Daddy so much....broke my heart.  I told him that when Mommy can love him a whole lot more than she hates Daddy, things will get better.  And it did.

Take that anger against the ex, turn it around to the overpowering love for your child and hyper-focus on that.  The ex has an agenda and once she realizes that she cannot 'get' to you anymore, she will try harder for a while.  Dig your heels in and steel your resolve.  Do your homework and research, come to this site as often as you need to, but gather any and all information you need to work through all this.  YOU are your child's advocate, so it's up to you to fight for him.

You're in for the long haul, bud.....you have a minimum of 15 years to deal with this.  Learning how to do that will not only save your sanity, but can be the best gift you ever give your child.........

[MrCustodyCoach]

This is very bad spot for you to be in and will only appear to the court to be a case of "buyer's remorse."  You signed an agreement for a really bad custodial arrangement and now realize it.  The court is probably not going to give you a second thought.

As for trying to beg and reason with a high-conflict ex, it won't work.  She has the upper-hand.  She has the last thing that she can use as a weapon against you.  She has all of the power and you have none.

Worse, the longer this order stays in place... the longer it will be left in place.  You're not in a good spot right now and that's a terrible, terrible shame for both you and the youngster.