Non custodial dad trying to get custody.

[TJRodolph]

I am the noncustodial dad's wife (the stepmom). Here's the dilema...custodial mother has denied my husband parenting time ever since his son was born 8 years ago...they had a very short relationship, that ended before the child was born. The mother would only allow dad to see his son, when it was convenient for her, and usually only when she was present. A child support order was established when the child was one year old, and it only granted dad reasonable visitation. My husband and I met in 6/02, buy end of 7/02 we'd decided to be in a committed relationship. His son spent a weekend at my house, and met my children from a previous marriage. The mother found out her child was at some woman's house with her son's father, and the very next month she moved out of state. My husband was informed of her move after she moved. She refused to give her address. She refused all visitation. We wanted to have the son in our wedding last year, but she refused. She agreed to let us have him for a couple weeks, but then changed her mind, so we filed a motion for a specific visitation schedule.  It has now been almost 3 years since she moved out of state without consent or court order. She has continually interfered with visitation, with phone contact, she refuses to give up the name of the school, his medical information, etc. She refuses to let the child speak to me or his other step-siblings on the phone, in fact she told him that my kids were not his relatives at all. When in fact, the person the child calls his grandpa is his mother's step-father, and her other daughter is his half sister. She has never even met me or my children. I am just the "other" woman, the evil stepmom with the big red bullseye on my forehead. She had nothing but negatives to say during the mediation/investigation. We ended up getting more time than the investigator recommended. The judge obviously read right thru the mother's manipulations. Anyhow, that order was given 4/05. We've only had one actual visitation because the mother wouldn't pay her 1/2 of the airfare, and then for this past holiday season we bought the whole ticket and she didn't put the child on the plane. She thinks she is justified due to her work schedule. Also, since we finally got some visitation after three years, we have found out that the child has been diagnozed with ADHD, has severe emotional and aqgressive behavior issues, that he is not getting is proper medical care, that he lives most the time at his grandfather's due to his mother working the night shift. The schools in the child's district are ALL rated at Academic Emergency, and she has moved him to 3 diff schools in 3 years, has changed his medical doctor and therapist since the last court order, that child has had at least 15 different residences in his 8 yrs, and he lives in the low income part of town (high crime rate). She also has not followed the court order, by not providing us the grandfather's phone number or providing us the school calendar, and denying the visitation. So we decided to file for change of custody, with no lawyer. We can't afford a lawyer. But I have been doing all kinds of reading and reseach online about filing Pro Se. We have a lot in our favor....1) custodial parent's continual interference with visitation 2) custodial parent not following court order 3) child lives in a very unstable home 4) mother not able to spend appropriate time with child 5) child doing poorly in school (in special ed and a year behind) 6) child not getting proper medical care 7) Father CAN allow the mother to have visitation thus allowing the child to have a relationship with both of his parents.  Oh, and the mother was reported for child abuse a couple years ago by a school district, she claims it was unfounded but we can't find any information on the case. And the child has exhibited signs of abuse, and verbally has told us that both his mother and grandpa whip him with a belt frequently. Our big concern now is.....what happens if the mother does not show up for the motion hearing? I know the judge will set an evidentiary hearing.....but can we win default in addition to all the other areas? Is there any advice anyone can give us to help us with this case? Any insight would be most appreciated! We both firmly believe that the child would have a much better opportunity in life living in our household.

Thanks, Frustrated in Minnesota.

[MixedBag]

there are folks here with MN experience....

there's no "given" answer as to what will happen in court....

Sure the child will have a better opportunity in YOUR home....

BUT I personally believe it will take several, several contempts before custody is changed.

[MixedBag]

sorry!

[TJRodolph]

Oh we definately thought about filing contempt, there are several areas of the court order she is not in compliance with...but I have been told that we would have to get her served personally in Ohio (which we can't afford) and then she would be given a free lawyer because contempt CAN carry jail time...and we can't afford a lawyer for ourselves. The MN Statute 518.17 states willful denial of parenting time can be sufficient grounds for custody reversal. I know custody reversal is not easy, probably not even the norm....but the mother has shown a long pattern of denial of parenting time, that she totally disrespects a court order, and in the meantime, the child is still suffering from all this emotional and behavior issues due to his current environment. Our motion hearing for change of custody is 2/14. How would one go about filing a contempt motion on a person who lives out of state? We were told we would file the motion here in MN, but then it would be up to us to get her served in Ohio. I am assuming we have to wait till after the custody hearing to file any contempt motions correct?

[MYSONSDAD]

You might want to post this to Dear Socrateaser. Follow his mandated guidelines. Post the facts and then number your questions accordingly.
Many here are pro se and Soc will be very forthcoming and tell you like it is. You can find him when you click on message boards, just scroll down.

Make sure you get school and medical records together. 3rd party documentation. Have you documented every occurence? Good documentation is key. Check with his school one on one. Talk to the counselors. Get all the reports and documents.  

Here is a site from another State, but the wording might be of help.

http://www.redressinc.org/ProSeInformation.html

Good luck!

[TJRodolph]

The mother moved the child to yet another school. All the school will tell us is that the child is no longer enrolled in any Dayton Public school. We even emailed the Board of education about it, and they said they were only permitted to give out the info they already gave. We only found out what he school he USED to go to was by the court papers from our first hearing last year. WHen the mother found out we had spoken to the child's teacher, she was furious and wanted to know how we found out. Shortly after that, we started having problems getting any information from the school, so we suspect that she made up some BS story to tell the school to keep them from giving out any info. (she was reported for abuse by a previous school district) She was also mad that we had requested all the therapist records, because obviously we can use it against her. She has since changed the child's doctor and therapist too. We have no clue what school, doctor or therapist he is seeing, if any. Being they live in Ohio, and we live in Minnesota, we can't just show up at the old school. We do however, have all the therapist records that he went to last year, and all his last year report cards.

[MixedBag]

I am NOT an attorney -- Soc is here for that stuff on the professional level.

Three divorces in our family -- all out of state.

I'm guessing here, but original jurisdiction is MN and Dad still lives in MN.  Therefore jurisdiction should stay MN even though Mom and child moved.

How do you file a motion on a person living out of state?

Well, those are actually two different subjects -- you file a motion with the court that has jurisdiction (MN is my guess from trying to understand your situation).

You SERVE the mother even though she lives out of state.  

Was she ever given PERMISSION from the court to move?  Or has it basically been a long time since the move?  (and dad should have fought that subject a while ago???)

You have to find out what MN says is "proof of service" in order to consider her served....

Yep, it might cost more than $1....(being sarcastic), but when there's a will, there's a way.  Can the sheriff's office do it???

Can you do it via certified mail?  or priority confirmed delivery???

When you say the "mother has shown a long pattern of denial of parenting time"  -- do you have several contempt findings from the court to back up that statement???

I know I sound harsh, but BTDT -- too many times in my own personal life and DH's.....  

Just don't get your hopes up too high, but get after her rear end.

As for the other post -- about the schools -- I'd go "up the chain of command" to find out where the son was transferred to.  Like write the board of education for the county....then the STATE....

At the same time, start picking up the phone and calling all the schools in that area.  I know it's a large city, but what's MORE important?  Finding the child is the answer.

[TJRodolph]

Yes, we would file a motion for contempt in MN, but we have to personally serve her in Ohio....and the only reason we havent filed a contempt on her since our recent order is because we just do not have the funds.

Mom moved without consent or court permission in Oct 02. My husband honestly did not know what he could do about it, didnt know where to begin, and we had no address for her. I had just started dating my husband at that time and didn't feel it was my place to give any real suggestions at that time (nor did I know how either).  But anyhow, we started digging, and finally got a motion together and filed in end 2003, and got the new specific parenting time order in April 05.  She is contempt on several issues already. She refuses to give us the grandfather's phone number even though the order states for her to immediately do so (the child stays at grandpa's house more than mom's due to her overnight work schedule). She stil interferes with phone contact, and twice interfered with parenting time since the new order. We've only had the child one time since the new court order.

The mother even filed a motion in 1998 for my husband to have supervised parenting time, stating "we just cannot get along" and "he is complaining that I don't let him see the child".  The newest order even mentions it, saying it was filed under the basis "we just cannot get along" and it even recognizes in the order that she moved out of state without consent or permission causing my husband's parenting time to be limited. So I am pretty sure our judge read right thru what is going on here.

I did email the President of the Board of Education of Dayton (under my husband's name) and we got a reply from the administrator's office saying the only information they are allowed to release is that the child is not now enrolled in ANY Dayton Public school. I had already faxed letters to about 7 of the area schools with no reply back. I replied back to the administrator saying that "I" am the legal father of the child and that it was the school's obligation to provide me that information. Never got a response back. We suspect that the mother has told some BS story to the school to try and keep them from telling us anything.

Here's part of the problem....my husband works a job where he can rarely use the phone during the day. These calls need to be made during business hours. I on the other hand sit at a desk all day with a computer in front of me. It is very easy for me to make the calls, but a lot of the places don't want to hear from me, even when I say I am calling on my husband's behalf, or even to relay a messaqe to the teacher, etc. I don't want to appear to be the busybody-evil stepmom. I am genuinely concerned about this child's welfare. I do a lot of faxing, type up a request and have my husband sign it at home and fax it the next day at work. We first found what school he was attending by the court papers filed during the investigation. I contacted the school and the teacher was very nice to me, told me all about the kid, and was very happy to hear the father wanted to be involved, she told me how the child was having emotional problems at home, bad behavior at school, etc. Shortly after the mother found out we contacted the school....we couldn't get much other information from the school, other than report card. It was like pulling teeth from the the therapist too. She wouldn't elaborate on anything in her files unless we got the mother's permission. Which isn't going to happen. In the therapist files, it states the mother told the therapist that she was reported for child abuse, but that it was unfounded. We STILL can't dig up any documentation on that. Thats a big red flag based on the child's behavior, and his words that his mom and grandpa both whip him with a belt a lot.

Anymore insight? Thank you so much for all your comments!

[MixedBag]

I read your posts on Soc's board too....

You have to go from Apr 05 and forward.  The rest of what happened before that is a bit irrelevant right now.

Relevant in the fact that the other findings or orders were more detailed due to her actions,

But the decision by the court (translation order) has been made based on that stuff.....so you move forward.

You file based on what she has done that is not in compliance with the order since the latest one was signed (since Apr 05).

You mention costs -- well, jurisdiction and court is MN NOT OH....right?

Your real costs are in filing, having her served, and taking off the time from work to represent yourself.  Sorry, but that adds up to much less than many of us have spent on a scale of 1-10.....

DO IT!

Read the pro se articles on this site and every other site you can find.  It will help.

Then spend another $35 or so and to go //www.westlaw.com or //www.lexis.com and buy the book that has the MN Family Code and the MN Family Court Rules.  That will give you a clue as to the current law and procedures.

Even if you procedurally get it wrong here and there.....then again, Soc leans towards hiring an attorney....point is to not let the CP off the hook where their responsiblities to the NCP are concerned.

You have valid complaints as I see it

1.  Missed time.....then again, what does the order say?  Who is supposed to provide transportation and how etc???

2.  Not knowing school information.  then again, what does the order say and what do the states' codes say on this subject?

3.  Phone number.  This one is trivial on a scale of 1-10, but none the less worth mentioning particularly since the other two are happening.
Yes, phone contact is very important and it's been our experience that the judge was mad that it was "not happening" but there was no contempt found.....However, on the flip side, time got defined.  So a baby step forward on that subject and a mark (mentally by the judge) against the CP.

There are many spouses here who post, do the leg work, and highly encourage the NCP/Spouse to keep pushing....Since I'm an NCP and so is my spouse, we've been there for each other.  You're not the first nor will be the last in that role......

Corporal punishment is looked upon differently by different parts of the country and by different folks.

I'm thinking....research FERPA and see if it requires the school to let both parents know which school the child was transferred to.  Not sure that law would cover that....but that's the overall education law many NCPs have to refer to in order to get schools to cooperate.

Therapists are licensed by a state-level agency......file a complaint??

Does dad have joint legal custody??  Makes a huge difference.

Also -- if son is ADHD -- he needs meds, wonder if you can track them down that way....call pharmacies.

What about private schools??  Had mom maybe moved him into one of those???

[MixedBag]

O.K., I lied a bit....I read your first post and Soc's response....but not all those other posts and stuff and the pro se experience that was shared.

Personally -- totally lay person here (but pro se myself and successful)...

File a "Motion to Show Cause"

The court might actually have blank forms for you to use and have it served to her in OH via a process server.

In your Motion to Show Cause you state the basics:

1.  You were denied time.

2.  You were denied a phone number.

3.  You have been denied counseling/medical records.

4.  You have been denied school information.

Maybe, maybe not -- the MN court system might not even use the discovery and interrogatories that you're asking Soc about.  Not totally necessary if you ask me.  Like Soc said, the other side usually doesn't answer with relevant information anyways....BTDT...

You have to be able to prove your case with what you have.  

Returned mail helps tons.

Letters she wrote helps.

The denied phone number -- hmmm...  I'm gonna bet that she really only has to provide her home number and that's good enough.  Now is that a real practical answer?  Nope not in your case, but not 100% convinced the judge will find her in CONTEMPT on this subject.  Search on Soc's page again, and you'll find 3 elements or steps to contempt.  The third requires an element of "did this on purpose" -- read his explanation a few times to get a better idea.  He's great.

And like Soc said -- and I kinda like the fact that I too said that you gotta get a copy of the "Rules of Family Court".  Yep, it will be written in another language, but when the Judge or opposing attorney references something like in an order, you can pull the book out and look it up yourself.

Here's the sequence of events for our experiences:

File a Motion to Show Cause

Have EX served.

Court set a pre-trial hearing (15 minutes long)

Sent us to mediation (paid 50% of that).

Court set a pre-trial status hearing (to find out mediation failed).

Court set a hearing date and sent out an order that outlined the basic deadlines for when evidence needed to be exchanged and when a witness list was to be exchanged.

Hearing happened.

Judge verbally gave results and wrote up the order with details later.

Took about 9 months to complete from beginning to end.

If you can, SIT in a courtroom and watch others go through the process (ours was closed and you can't do that).

There's an article on this site that covers the normal sequence of events in a courtroom too....

You've come to a great site to get help.