In need of advice for new father

[Faceless]

i know you both are right. i have been trying my hardest not to invest too much emotions into this aside from the ones that I simply cant help. im calling the legal aide intake number later today. any advice as far as working with legal aide? what i should look out for and such? and thank you all again. the clarity that you all have brought is worth its weight in gold.  oh and I already made the mistake of giving her money to help with the pregnancy. i stopped doing this a few months ago but at first she laid a pretty good guilt trip on me about needing to prove I wanted to be involved and when I told her I simply did not have the money to spare she turned that into I did not care or want to be involved and even went as far as to say I was ashamed of her and the child. this woman really knows exactly how to get under my skin lol

*update*
I just got off the phone with my Ex. she flipped out on me for not being willing to sign anything visitation or custody related until paternity was established. She also said that "everyone" has told her she was owed spousal support and I should have given her more money during this pregnancy and that it was my "sole" responsibilite to set up and pay for the paternity test. she says she has a document thats labeled "not valid until positive paternity results are received" or something to that nature that she wanted me to sign that basically spelled out custody and visitation. again she flipped when i told her i would look it over but i would not sign it.

[NYParent]

I am concerned about the fact that she's so adamant about having you sign something about custody and visitation prior to the baby being born.

I am not sure about the math, and the other women can help in this department as they would have more experience than me, but if y'all were together for two weeks and she told you about the pregnancy a week later, it seems like it's a little too early to tell that she was pregnant.  I might be wrong, but her attitude is suspicious.

You don't owe her anything as far as spousal support until a judge says you do.

Like the others have said, DO NOT sign anything.  Establish paternity first.  Even if it turns out that you're the dad....don't feel guilty about not believing her or supporting her as you would have wanted to through the pregnancy.  Her actions lead to this.  If you are the dad, then establish custody and visitation through the courts. 

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Giggles]

i know you both are right. i have been trying my hardest not to invest too much emotions into this aside from the ones that I simply cant help. im calling the legal aide intake number later today. any advice as far as working with legal aide? what i should look out for and such? and thank you all again. the clarity that you all have brought is worth its weight in gold.  oh and I already made the mistake of giving her money to help with the pregnancy. i stopped doing this a few months ago but at first she laid a pretty good guilt trip on me about needing to prove I wanted to be involved and when I told her I simply did not have the money to spare she turned that into I did not care or want to be involved and even went as far as to say I was ashamed of her and the child. this woman really knows exactly how to get under my skin lol

*update*
I just got off the phone with my Ex. she flipped out on me for not being willing to sign anything visitation or custody related until paternity was established. She also said that "everyone" has told her she was owed spousal support and I should have given her more money during this pregnancy and that it was my "sole" responsibilite to set up and pay for the paternity test. she says she has a document thats labeled "not valid until positive paternity results are received" or something to that nature that she wanted me to sign that basically spelled out custody and visitation. again she flipped when i told her i would look it over but i would not sign it.

Ahhh she's starting to show her true colors.  Even though SHE is completely in the Wrong...what a piece of sh.....  anyway.....

She and "everyone" are WRONG...you don't owe her DIDDLY because NOTHING has gone through court.

I am going to give you a VERY sound piece of advice....The relationship is OVER....finished....DONE!  She is going to try every move in the book to get you to feel sorry for her, for the baby and she is going to tug as hard as she can on those emotions.  YOU NEED TO STAND YOUR GROUND!!  This is now a BUSINESS relationship....PERIOD!!  You need to check your emotions at the door or your life could end up very miserable for the next 18 years...with or without the kid being yours!

Tell her that you will front the money for the paternity test, BUT if the child is not yours, you will demand a refund (get it writing)...she wants you to sign stuff...turn the tables on her.   You could tell her that IF the child is indeed yours that you will work with her to get a suitable custody order in place as well as child support if necessary (I say this because you're going to want to go for 50/50) but you will not sign anything before the child is born and POSITIVE paternity established.

As for "Legal Aid", most likely they probably wont help you because this is a "Civil" matter.  You could certainly ask....but be prepared to be told that.  If you are told that, then certainly come back here, there are a ton of resorces and helpful advice.

Good Luck!!!

[Giggles]

Ha....Case in Point...Waylon just posted this on the Divorce Board...

This COULD happen to you....

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/22/magazine/22Paternity-t.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1 (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/22/magazine/22Paternity-t.html?_r=2&pagewanted=1)

[Kitty C.]

I know this is an emotionally charged issue and she will blow her stack if she doesn't get her way, but understand ONE thing:  NOTHING should be done without a court order.  Tell her it's for her protection, as well as yours.  If she still has a problem with it, tell her SHE can file in court to ask for what she wants.

Always remember this:  she can threaten all she wants, but until there is an actual order signed by a judge, everything she's spewing is just hot air.  She can try to make it sound 'official' but unless there is a signed order by the judge, it doesn't mean squat!

She's pregnant, so she's hormonal and she's also angry with you because you aren't capitulating to her...that's a volatile combination, so you will have to concentrate VERY hard not to get swept up in her web.  Think analytical at all times when dealing with her.

[Faceless]

Giggles your last post hit me harder then anything else so far. and your totally right. i think somewhere inside i was still emotionally tieing myself to someone who was my best friend of two years before she became my wife....but your 100% right. the relationship is over and im facing that now. the most important thing right now is that baby and thats what im focusing on.  i mailed her all the pictures i had of us and a few things she had given me that i held on to today. it was a lot easier then i thought it would be. Im still totally overwhelmed by this whole situation but you all have given me a lot of hope in this. id hug you all if i could lol. i'll keep you posted. oh and that article was intense to say the least. thank you

[Giggles]

I'm glad I was able to help some.  The thing to do is Hope for the best...but plan for the worst.

Like many of the folks who've given you some excellent advice...we've been around for a while.  I've been on this board for nearly 12 years...I have learned quite a bit!!

Read the articles, read the other postings and research as much as you can.  The more you know...the better off you'll be...and if that baby does turn out to be yours, then you'll have the necessary information so you can play a major role in her life!!

(((Hugs))) Back at you!!