Excessive(?) phone calls during visits

[jgaff78]

The biggest problem we have is that none of the court orders are specific at all. There is nothing mentioned in any of our documents about communication (SD was only 2 1/2 when they divorced so communication was not that big of an issue). The only guidelines we are going by is the general state guidelines which say that communication cannot be interfered with between the child and either parent. So we have tried not to block any calls. I have began to stop answering my phone when she calls. I figure I have that right.

We didn't want to tell SD anything different than what her mother had told her about the phone. SD gets a bit upset thinking that she will get in trouble if she doesn't do what BM says. We try our best to avoid conflict for SD's sake.

When SD comes this summer, there will be stricter rules about phone usage. I have had it with BM and I'm tired of her upsetting our routine while SD is with us. In the past, SD has not asked to call BM often when she did not have a phone with her. So that tells me that the phone issue is more with BM than SD. BM will just have to deal with it.

As far as the contact between us and SD, we generally let her call us. It's obvious that she doesn't feel comfortable talking to us when BM is around so we don't force the issue by trying to call BM's cell phone to talk all the time (BM does not have a house phone). We tried sending a firefly cell phone with SD last year, but BM let her roommate take the power cord for it so she couldn't use it anymore. In the spring, we are getting SD a phone on our cell plan so she can call us on that phone whenever she pleases without feeling any pressure from us or BM.

[ocean]

If the orders dont say anything about phone calls then you cant get in trouble with the courts. SHe can try and bring you back to court but the court will tell her it is not up to her in your house and now she must call between xx and xx time.

I would be careful about sending a phone to her. She is still very young and her mother and friends will be using it. Send her things in the mail once a month, set up an email account for her in the summer, show her how to check it, and maybe as she gets older she will use it. If mom has computer, set up IM account, and you can talk live or video chat (get her the camera). Get info from school and send her great report card gift.

[jgaff78]

The phones we send to her are locked down so that the only incoming/outgoing phone calls are to numbers in her address book. That is how the firefly worked and BM was mad because we would not give her the number to that phone so she could call it too. If we get a phone for her on our cell plan, the phone will have parental controls on it so we can limit the usage to only numbers in the address book again. It will also have insurance on the phone so if it is conveniently lost or stolen while she is with BM, then we can get a new phone relatively cheap. The firefly phone worked very well until BM got mad about not being able to have the number and then her roommate suddenly "borrowed" the charger and they couldn't find it again so the phone was useless.

BM has internet access at home, but she does not allow SD to use it. We have set up an e-mail account for her here (she has her own computer in her room) and she will be able to e-mail family and friends this summer while she is with us. We already are in contact with the school and receive copies of report cards and other information in the mail or through e-mail from the teacher. She gets rewards for good report cards in the form of trips while she is with us. If she does well in school then she gets to go to an amusement park or to another place she has asked to go to. We have stopped sending or buying her so many material items since she has too many toys and things as it is. We feel that the experiences she has are much more of a reward than a simple toy and the memories will last a lot longer.

[hatewelfare]

To jgaff78,

Good grief...what are we doing to our kids??...personal phones when they are 8 years old or younger!!?? Calls every day to "check up on them". Is that excessive...no that is disturbing.

There is no reason a parent needs to call their child EVERY day during a visit with the other parent...PERIOD! It is intrusive, unnecessary, rude, disruptive and shows the lack of respect for their own child's development.

When you pick up your child simply leave the phone with the BM and tell her that if you want to talk to her call her on your phone instead. Tell BM you don't feel it is necessary for a child that young to have a phone and that is your rules at your house, period. Leave it at that.

Then let her take you to court and have her try to explain to the judge that she needs to talk to her daughter every day she is with you. Judge will laugh her out of the courthouse.

Cell phones will become a problem later as kids network and text each other without there parents knowing what is going on. 8 years old and BM is already engraving into her child that she NEEDS a cell phone to survive day to day life. Is that were your CS $'s should go? To a cell phone for your child that your ex is using to "spy" into your lives and home??

These are petty little things that get throw up into big deals and court hearing that waste time and make your lawyer richer. LEAVE THAT PHONE AT BM'S HOUSE!!

[jgaff78]

Unfortunately it is necessary for a child in this situation to have a cell phone. While we would allow SD to use our cell phones at any time she wished to call BM, we know BM would not/does not return that favor. BM tends to listen in on phone conversations and otherwise make SD feel uncomfortable while she is speaking to us so it is easier for us to send a locked cell phone to her so that she can have privacy when she wants to speak to us. Having her own cell phone allows her to make calls without having to ask BM to use the phone and she can make the calls in her room or outside when she pleases. When we sent the firefly cell phone down with her, she often went into the backyard away from BM to call us. She was much more open and talkative on the phone when BM was not nearby.

As far as BM sending a phone, I don't want to discourage it because then BM may refuse to allow our phone to be sent home with SD and that would severely limit our communication with her. The cell phone is not the problem, BM is. We will stand our ground during future visits and establish rules about communication times between BM and SD. As long as we let SD and BM know what the rules are there shouldn't be any issues. We can simply turn the phone off if BM does not follow our guidelines.

I do agree that BM calling daily is giving SD the impression that she cannot be safe and secure without BM present. We noticed several behavioral regressions in SD when she was speaking to BM on a daily basis. But once the time ran out on that phone, SD seemed more relaxed and returned to being more responsible and independent when she was not obligated to speak to BM every day. It is a bit ridiculous on BM's part since she is trying to convince us that SD should fly unaccompanied but yet she can't even let her be with us for a day without checking up on her. If SD is old enough/responsible enough to fly by herself, why is she not old enough to choose when she wishes to speak to BM?

[Kitty C.]

'If SD is old enough/responsible enough to fly by herself, why is she not old enough to choose when she wishes to speak to BM?'

Just curious........have you ever posed that question to the BM and what was her response?  If you haven't asked her that, the next time she brings up either issue, go for it.....it would be very interesting what she would have to say and will tell you a lot as to how either issue would play out in court.

[jgaff78]

I haven't spoken to BM at all for about a week now. No text messages, e-mails, phone calls, nothing. She has been extremely rude and confrontational recently so I just stopped responding to her. I didn't even speak to her at the airport when I dropped SD off to her this past weekend. I let SD know in advance that BM and I would probably not be speaking and explained that this was a matter between the adults and had nothing to do with her. I simply told her that BM was upset the last time we spoke and I didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me. SD understands that BM can be unreasonable at times and really didn't seem surprised by the situation. She did mention on the plane that perhaps BM would apologize when she saw me, but that certainly did not happen.

Anyway, I do plan on asking BM that question in the future, Kitty. I hope the opportunity will come up since it may point out an discrepancy in BM's thinking. Maybe I will get lucky and she will change her mind on both issues . . . but I am not holding my breath.